Fearless?

 

It’s the last week of February, and since each week this month, I focused on some relational aspects, I thought I should end the month strong…. And so last night I told Aaron that this blog would be about him. He promptly told me that I really did not need to do that.

Several moments of awkward silence later, we came to a compromise. So, for those of you who love gushy blogs, you may not love this one. For those of you who hate gushy blogs, keep reading.  Hopefully the compromise will bring us enough gush for the romantics to smile and not enough gush to keep the practical readers from gagging.

*******Disclaimer on all my blogs about marriage: Neither Aaron nor I are perfect.

I know the shock of that statement, so pull yourself back together and keep reading.

 My friend asked me the other day, “How did you know you loved Aaron? I haven’t been in love so I’m just wondering how that process works.”

No one had asked me that before. I have been asked how I knew he was “the one” but although similar, it is different than knowing I loved him.

I thought for a second and then the words spilled out-

“I never had any fear with Aaron. 1 John 4:18-19 put it this way… “ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19 We love, because He first loved us.”

Aaron has been a tangible expression of God’s love to me.  Looking back, he showed me Christ’s love before we ever even knew we “loved” each other.

I remember one time specifically where I had told some people something that Aaron had told me. But what occurred to me after I opened my rather large mouth, was he actually wanted that kept private. I texted him what I had done, and my fear grew. Yep, definitely should have been a totally private conversation between us. Aaron was surprised and disappointed I had told, and I was mortified that I was about ready to be single. I was supposed to meeting him at his parents’ house for a late lunch that day, and my whole drive there, I was freaking out. Like armpits sweating- freak out.

I ring the doorbell and his mom answers.  I make small talk with her WAY longer than normal so I can avoid Aaron. I just knew he was fuming and I deserved it. Finally, I can’t take it anymore, so I take a deep breath and make my way upstairs. Aaron greets me with a hug and smile, and asks me to help him with his current project. I’m SO confused. I thought- maybe he thinks his mom is around and so he doesn’t want to say anything. 

I wait a few more minutes, and finally, I can’t take the guilt anymore, so I blurt out,

‘Aaron, I am so sorry. I won’t ever do that again, I’m so so sorry.’

He was like “Oh, I know. It’s okay, just please be more careful next time.” 

Then he goes back to his project. Like it was just another ordinary conversation.

In that moment, my soul smiled. Because I knew that with this man I was safe. Secure.

I was FearLESS.

Yes I hated hurting him with my mistake, and still do, but I don’t have to fear his reactions. So that's one reason how I knew I was on the “road to love”.

And the conversation moved on.

 .................But my thoughts didn't.

I’ve been reading the book of 1 John in the Bible, and for those of you who don’t normally read a Bible, the cliff notes version is that 1 John is a “Love Book”.  It has all these great verses like the one I mentioned above that truly define love. Or Like 1 John 3:18- “… let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.”

The night after I answered my friend’s question, God brought a question to my mind- “Holly, have you given Aaron reason to throw away his fears with you?”

Whoa God. This isn’t about me. I was just trying to write a nice blog about my husband- even if he would rather I not!

But again, but a little louder in my heart-

 “Holly, have you given Aaron reason to throw away his fears with you?”

At that point even I had to admit, it’s a question worth asking. When Aaron asks me to do something extra, or to change my “perfect” plans, or to not ask him the ending of the movie 14 times, or to simply be patient, do my reactions lead him to cringe? Does he fear asking me something for what I might say in response?

When he tells me something that I don’t agree with or hurts my feelings, does he fear the repercussion? Do I “punish” him by being rude or sarcastic (well, let’s say bitingly sarcastic) back?

Because if so, then I’m not loving him like I should. Like I want. Like I need.

I believe 1 Jn. 4:19 with my whole heart because I’ve seen it. Experienced it. Received it. And there is nothing so sweet as truly unconditional love.

 But am I returning the gift?

 Not just with Aaron, but with every friend and every family member.  

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

We love because Christ first loved us.

1 Jn. 4:18-19

That friend

Since this is still the “love” month, today I thought it fitting to celebrate friendship.

Since my job is with students, I see that unfortunately so much of the hurt and pain is caused by friends… and so this came pouring out today. I can only that my unborn children are able to find the types of friends that Aaron and I have been blessed with throughout our entire lives.

*** Disclaimer! For my friends and family reading this, no, I’m not pregnant.  I promise you won’t find out by my blog!***

 Dear friends of our unborn daughter,

First, know that we love her. More than you or she could imagine. And we love you too, because you are friends with our daughter.

When she hurts you, please forgive her… don’t just drop her.

And while we’re on that subject...Please talk to her, not about her.

Know that your life choices will most definitely influence hers.

Don’t tell her to date that guy just because he’s cute.  

Help her find a young man that lives up to her standards- don’t encourage her to drop down to his.

When she tells you a secret, please keep it a secret. Rumors never helped anyone.

If she makes a mistake, please tell her she can talk to us. We will always listen.

Hold each other accountable. You will know more than we do regarding her struggles.

When she falls down in gym, don’t laugh with everyone else. Help her up… then laugh with her!

When we tell her no to that party, that event, that date, that skirt, that shirt, it’s because we know in 10 years, she will be thankful we protected her, not gave into her.  So please don’t tear us apart- just accept there are reasons that she, nor you, will understand.

Have fun together. Laughter is good for the soul.

Don’t make fun of her dreams and don’t let her make fun of yours.

Love each other. Pray for each other. Point her to Jesus.

 And know that we will be doing the same for both of you,

The Browns

 

Rather than just brush this off as good advice for the students in our life, take a moment to look inside. I pray that I am that friend to those I know, and I hope that you will be that friend to others.

To my friends that have walked through life with, forgiven me, loved me, talked to me, influenced me for the better, and wept with me. Thank you.

Holly

Tuesday Catch-up! Phases

Since this is Valentine’s week, I feel like succumbing to the obligatory blog post about Valentine’s Day.  As I began thinking about Friday, I began reminiscing about the Valentines’ of old… and the many many many years I lived Valentine’s Day as a single woman.

So today, I bring you the “Single’s Phases of V-day”.  For those of you who have always had a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, this will probably be incomprehensible. But for the single girls who are survivors of the Love Month- this might sound familiar.

 

Phases of Valentine’s Day

1. Girlfriend night!!!

This is the common phase for girls who are recently single or who are still young in their singleness.

Conversations like these ensue: Let’s dress up and go celebrate! We don’t need guys! Boys are so overrated! Boys will come and go but girlfriends will last forever!... that is until one of us gets a boyfriend! Etc…etc…Blah…blah…blah…blah…

 

Then comes the next phase: This usually happens once you’ve celebrated Girlfriend Night a couple of times…

2. Girlfriend night: With the hope of a meeting a boyfriend night!!!

Not one girl in the group will admit to it, but every girl thinks the same thing.

“Maybe if we go to a Sports Grill, we’ll meet a group of godly Christian guys who are out looking for godly girls!... It is Valentine’s after all… surely single guys are looking for love too! Besides that would be the cutest love story ever- we meet and fall-in-love at first sight on Valentine’s!!!” And so all the girls agree to go to a Sports Grill because it’s “different and fun”, all the while each trying to figure out she would be able to break away from the group if that boy Will (God’s Will of course…) at table 7 smiles her way.

 

Then comes the phases that smaller groups of the girlfriends get too. (Because let’s be real, many of them are dating or married off by now…)

3.  Girlfriend binge-eating and chick-flick night!

I’m sick of going out on the town and broadcasting that I’m single and pretending that I don’t care that I’m single. So this year, I’m inviting Mary Jane over and we are going to watch romantic comedies, eat cookie dough, and talk about every single guy in our lives (yes, every single guy… from the guy that we pass in the hallways and have never spoken with, to the guy that we have worked with for 2 years and have yet to figure out if he showers…) and whether we would date them!

 

But then sometimes, even chick flicks and best friends just seem impossible to handle and you find yourself admitting that you’re going to give in to the 4^th stage…

4. Night of mourning

This happens when you realize that you are the last one of your friends to be in a relationship while simultaneously realizing that there is absolutely no guy in your life that is single so that you can even pretend to wonder if he likes you.

Valentine’s Day is a reminder that the rest of the world is happy while you are sitting alone. In your pj’s. Watching Full House re-runs. Folding your clothes so that you weren’t lying when you told your best friend that “I just have a lot of things to do tonight.” All the while wondering why you used to think cats were such a bad idea.

 

 

And last but not least….

5.  I’m single….

At this point, you have accepted your status on Facebook has been single and will probably remain single for a while. You have come to terms with the fact that Valentine’s Day will come every year and you will survive. You’re not being anti-social, nor are you being Scrooge, but you are completely content to spend February 14^th like you would February 13^th or February 15^th. You don’t have to dress up and go out with girlfriends and be in denial over what day it is.  You remind yourself that you will wake up tomorrow and keep doing what you do…. all the knowing in the back of your head that one day, your February 14^th will be spent with a person and not a chick-flick.

 

Maybe I’m the only girl out there who went through those, and if so… well… pretend you didn’t read any of the above words.

Now that I’m married, I am actually finding it helpful to remember the loneliness February 14^th inspired for so many years, because it truly is a wonderful reminder of so many things...

For singles, hang in there. It’s tough but completely worth waiting for the right person. Whatever phase you might be in- it is ok. Don’t give up just yet…. It’s my 29^th Valentine’s Day but my first one married.

For marrieds, think back to the reasons why you got married to that special person.

Celebrate those reasons this week- in your own way and in your own personality, let the people in your life know they are loved.…

Regardless of whether they return the sentiments, regardless of whether you want to, regardless of whether you find V-day cheesy and superficial, your love and appreciation of your spouses or families this week doesn’t have to be.  

Married or single, happy or sad, February 14^th will only come once this year.

Why not make the best of it?

 

Monday's Musings: Marriage "truths"... Ha!

Since it's February, the "love" month,
I thought it fitting to dedicate a post to marriage. As a wife approaching
6 months of marriage,
there’s a lot of learning going on in this girly brain of mine!
Here are some things I viewed as Marriage Truths going into marriage….
Which I quickly found out, aren’t so truthful.

1. You will cuddle as you sleep.

I’m sure there are a few couples out there that can cuddle all night long and never get hot, never get elbowed in the face, and never move out of a perfectly synced cuddle position.

 
 
HA!

For the other 99.9% of us, reality is: you sleep on your side, and I’ll sleep on mine. That motto is much more beneficial for the couple as a whole and the moods individually. This illustration sums it up perfectly.

 

  2. Goodbye sweatpants!

When I was single, after I got home from work, I had a certain pair of sweatpants that I loved. And wore them all the time. These weren’t the cute stylish sweatpants though. These were the sweatpants that you have had for 10 years so they sag in places you didn’t know possible. The kind that is so far removed from the word “fashion” that they can hardly be considered clothing.

But I always "knew" that after I got married, I would never wear those sweatpants in front of my husband. I would have the self-control to only wear them while he was away.

HA!

 Ladies, let’s be honest. Unless you trash it before marriage, you will wear those clothes after marriage. Do yourself a favor. PURGE. Throw those clothes away. Remove ALL temptation.

Because one day, in a weak moment, on a “I just feel like eating cookie dough” day, you’ll slip. And your husband will come home to his wife…cookie dough in one hand, ice cream in the other… and pants on that make you look more like a blowfish than a wife.

 3. Silverware is for dumping.

I always thought that the small things that couples supposedly argue about are an exaggeration.

Thoughts like this went through my head: “We’ll never be that couple.”  “I just don’t care about that type of stuff.”

HA!

Everyone has small things that their spouse will do differently and you will think the other one is beyond psychotic. For example, when my husband loads the dishwasher, he puts all the spoons in one compartment, forks in another, knives in a third, etc…

When I saw what he was doing, I laughed, and probably even poked fun a little. In all my life, I had never even thought to put the same type of silverware together in a compartment. I just assumed the compartments were so that when you dumped silverware into the dishwasher, it would force the pieces to stand up straight instead of all fall on top of each other.

Then one day, I thought to myself… Holly, what’s the big deal. It will take you five extra seconds to load the dishwasher the way Aaron likes. Plus...Sorting silverware had been the most tedious, most annoying part of unloading the dishwasher for the previous 25 years of my life, so why not try something different??

So I did it one day. All the forks went together, the spoons together, and the knives.

A couple hours later, I went to unload. As I began unloading the silverware, a magical feeling began to creep over my soul! At last, I process that I had previously despise and loathed, was now, so easy, so fast, so simple!!

… In one simple re-structure, it began a task that was the most enjoyable because all the silverware was already sorted! I simply had to put the handful of spoons in their section of the drawer!!

That night I had to humbly apologize to my husband for poking fun at him. He was much nicer about it than I would have been… and to this day, I am reminded: Small things can change. It might even be better if they do.

4.   Ghosts? Zombies? Serial killers? Bring on the scary movies! I’m married now!

I’ve never been able to handle any type of scary movie. I’m simply unable to not jump, scream, or claw whoever happens to be sitting by me.

After we got married, I thought- hey I can handle scary movies! I’ve got a husband! I know he’ll protect me from any crazy serial killer that might be hiding under my bed one night. So I watched scary movies.

HA!

Let’s just say, Aaron has nail prints in his arm that will probably leave scars.

 

Married ladies- I hope you can relate. What are marriage truths that you say HA! to?

Single ladies- do yourself a favor…. Talk to women who have been married a while. Learn what are realistic expectations for the daily life of marriage. You’ll make things a lot easier on yourself and your husband.

 

And start purging that closet now.  You won’t regret it.