Fearless?

 

It’s the last week of February, and since each week this month, I focused on some relational aspects, I thought I should end the month strong…. And so last night I told Aaron that this blog would be about him. He promptly told me that I really did not need to do that.

Several moments of awkward silence later, we came to a compromise. So, for those of you who love gushy blogs, you may not love this one. For those of you who hate gushy blogs, keep reading.  Hopefully the compromise will bring us enough gush for the romantics to smile and not enough gush to keep the practical readers from gagging.

*******Disclaimer on all my blogs about marriage: Neither Aaron nor I are perfect.

I know the shock of that statement, so pull yourself back together and keep reading.

 My friend asked me the other day, “How did you know you loved Aaron? I haven’t been in love so I’m just wondering how that process works.”

No one had asked me that before. I have been asked how I knew he was “the one” but although similar, it is different than knowing I loved him.

I thought for a second and then the words spilled out-

“I never had any fear with Aaron. 1 John 4:18-19 put it this way… “ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19 We love, because He first loved us.”

Aaron has been a tangible expression of God’s love to me.  Looking back, he showed me Christ’s love before we ever even knew we “loved” each other.

I remember one time specifically where I had told some people something that Aaron had told me. But what occurred to me after I opened my rather large mouth, was he actually wanted that kept private. I texted him what I had done, and my fear grew. Yep, definitely should have been a totally private conversation between us. Aaron was surprised and disappointed I had told, and I was mortified that I was about ready to be single. I was supposed to meeting him at his parents’ house for a late lunch that day, and my whole drive there, I was freaking out. Like armpits sweating- freak out.

I ring the doorbell and his mom answers.  I make small talk with her WAY longer than normal so I can avoid Aaron. I just knew he was fuming and I deserved it. Finally, I can’t take it anymore, so I take a deep breath and make my way upstairs. Aaron greets me with a hug and smile, and asks me to help him with his current project. I’m SO confused. I thought- maybe he thinks his mom is around and so he doesn’t want to say anything. 

I wait a few more minutes, and finally, I can’t take the guilt anymore, so I blurt out,

‘Aaron, I am so sorry. I won’t ever do that again, I’m so so sorry.’

He was like “Oh, I know. It’s okay, just please be more careful next time.” 

Then he goes back to his project. Like it was just another ordinary conversation.

In that moment, my soul smiled. Because I knew that with this man I was safe. Secure.

I was FearLESS.

Yes I hated hurting him with my mistake, and still do, but I don’t have to fear his reactions. So that's one reason how I knew I was on the “road to love”.

And the conversation moved on.

 .................But my thoughts didn't.

I’ve been reading the book of 1 John in the Bible, and for those of you who don’t normally read a Bible, the cliff notes version is that 1 John is a “Love Book”.  It has all these great verses like the one I mentioned above that truly define love. Or Like 1 John 3:18- “… let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.”

The night after I answered my friend’s question, God brought a question to my mind- “Holly, have you given Aaron reason to throw away his fears with you?”

Whoa God. This isn’t about me. I was just trying to write a nice blog about my husband- even if he would rather I not!

But again, but a little louder in my heart-

 “Holly, have you given Aaron reason to throw away his fears with you?”

At that point even I had to admit, it’s a question worth asking. When Aaron asks me to do something extra, or to change my “perfect” plans, or to not ask him the ending of the movie 14 times, or to simply be patient, do my reactions lead him to cringe? Does he fear asking me something for what I might say in response?

When he tells me something that I don’t agree with or hurts my feelings, does he fear the repercussion? Do I “punish” him by being rude or sarcastic (well, let’s say bitingly sarcastic) back?

Because if so, then I’m not loving him like I should. Like I want. Like I need.

I believe 1 Jn. 4:19 with my whole heart because I’ve seen it. Experienced it. Received it. And there is nothing so sweet as truly unconditional love.

 But am I returning the gift?

 Not just with Aaron, but with every friend and every family member.  

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

We love because Christ first loved us.

1 Jn. 4:18-19