Fitting out

We’ve all felt it. 

Walking into a room and thinking “I don’t belong here. | I’m way underdressed. | Definitely don’t know anyone. AwKwArD. | I wish I hadn’t of come.”

Maybe the thoughts come after leaving the room. “Well that was miserable. |
I wish I could get into that group- they seem so fun. | Why did I go? It always turns out to be uncomfortable!”

Recently I heard it put this way in the movie Home (which is amazing!):

I don’t fit in. I fit out.

When I heard that line I thought, “Wow. That describes it perfectly.” How many of us think that as we walk into school every morning? Or into church every Sunday? 

I know I certainly have. The struggle of feeling on the out instead of the in is more common than we like to confess. While we’re being transparent, women would have to admit feeling this as well. We like to play it off as a teenage struggle- constantly feeling the tension to fit in and not fit out. But it’s not something that goes away when you turn 20. It is one that unexpectedly follows us into adulthood leaving us to wonder what is wrong with us that we could never find our niche. It has truly been a journey of surprise to discover that women of all ages, 10-92, fight this expectation of acceptance.

I offer you 3 things I am learning in this battle. 

Hopefully they will bring some degree of relief if you find yourself in the same position as I.

1) Don’t stop trying.

For some, this is easy and obvious. For me, it’s torture and confusing. I’m an introvert. Introverts typically use the “run and hide” technique when faced with trying to find a group to belong to rather than the “face the battle’ technique.

I am learning, however, that there are many women who want to belong somewhere as desperately as I do. If no one ever tries to make those connections, however, we really will be left isolated and lonely.

I’m also learning to initiate “trying”. What I mean by that is this: with the women I felt that connection with, I ask them to lunch; I coordinate a girl’s night; I make the phone call.  Is it awkward? Yes! But is it worth it? Absolutely.

2) Accept your season.

Although I just said don’t stop trying to find friends, also learn to adjust your expectations to your season of life. In college, I had a constant friend group. After college, I had a constant friendship with loneliness.  There are different seasons in life, and different levels of community for each season.  If you are new to a church, job, stage of life, or city, you more than likely will be in a lonelier season than before. Learn to walk the path of your season.

3) Don’t be picky. Do be yourself.

It’s easy for us to spot an established group of friends and decide that’s where we belong. So we then do anything and everything we can to put ourselves into that friend group; often even changing ourselves a little bit.  The times in my life when I have stopped being picky, arrogant, and close-minded, I have found friends in places I would least expect! The groups that I used to want desperately to be a part of are now groups that I realize I don’t click with.  Nothing against them or me, I’m finally honest enough to be myself. And find a group that fits me- not the me I think I want to be.

  

I get that there’s no easy answer to the feeling of fitting out instead of fitting in. But I’m realizing more and more that maybe fitting out is where I’m supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe… the in crowd isn’t fit for me!

In Him,

Holly