I am insecure.

I am insecure.

It’s difficult to write those words, but even harder to admit them.

It’s not in every area. Probably not even in the areas you would expect.  It’s in the areas that I myself would not expect because there isn’t any reason for me to be uncertain in them. 

I came to this epiphany late one night rather recently. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with someone very close to me. It was truly a “light bulb” moment for me because in that quiet moment of reflection, I saw the conversation for what it really was:

A manipulative way for me to have my status of importance affirmed by someone else- someone whose approval meant a great deal to me.

It wasn’t an intentional manipulation- for most of us, it never is.  But it was manipulative nonetheless. As I realized the cold reality of my motivation in that conversation, I started to think back to other scenarios’ with other people, and to my chagrin and slight horror, I began to see a repetitive pattern that has thread its way through my relationships.

You see- despite being an introvert, I’m secure on most public fronts. I enjoy speaking in public. I usually have no problems voicing a dissenting opinion to a group.  Often, I roar as I’ve stated on this blog before.  So you can imagine my surprise when I came to terms with the fact that there is an entirely different side of me when it comes to my valuable people- family and friends.

It seems as though there are times where my roar struggles to come out as anything more than a whimper.

Sound familiar? I don’t know that I’m alone in the struggle.

The thread I saw weaving itself through my relationships look something like the following:

• Questions I ask that force someone else to either affirm their love for me or sound like a jerk.
• Conversations where I discuss how they’ve hurt me without allowing for or even caring for an explanation of their actions.  Much less a chance for them to explain how I’ve hurt them.
• Times that I have “tested” those I care about to see if they respond “correctly.”

As I reflected on the awkward position that I put my loved ones in at times, I realized that not only was insecurity running the show, but I also was being anything BUT loving in those moments- totally conflicting to my purpose of trying to feel more loved.

Some might remember a lesson I learned and shared a while back about how love should be fearless. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fear has not been perfected in love.”

When I put someone to the “test” to see if they genuinely care for me, I am giving them a reason to fear. The Greek root for the word “fear” in that verse has a meaning of “fleeing because feeling inadequate”.

Nobody enjoys having the friend that says every 5.4 seconds “I’m so ugly. You’re so pretty. I’m so fat. You’re so skinny. I’m so boring. You’re so cool.”

Why? It makes you want to flee! Her continual statements of self-doubt show you that no matter what you say, you can’t convince her otherwise…. Or in other words, you feel like fleeing because you are inadequate of changing her mind.

Ding-Ding-Ding. I Get It.

We all have continual doubts we battle and some of us then “test” with our loved ones. Doubts on whether or not:

• my best friend will love me through that mistake,
  
• I’m worth spending time with,
• my parents will forgive me no matter what,
• my siblings will accept my flaws,
• my husband will always love me- quirks and all,
• my friends still value my friendship even when hanging out with other friends,
• my beauty isn’t determined by the scale,
• my impact on others will be long-lasting,
• my mistake doesn’t change God’s love.

By showing our refusal to believe their words the first, second, hundredth, thousandth time(s), we are in essence telling them that they are unable to persuade us otherwise, and their promises are nice but worthless. Which of course would cause most people fearful that they will never change our minds! 

No wonder there is no place for fear in love! It destroys relationships!

So.  The new goal is to fight the urge to ask the manipulative question, while reminding myself that I love them enough to keep them from fearing me! But I would be lying if I didn’t also say that I know there will still be days when I need affirmation.

So on those days instead of testing the person I’m with so that when they answer correctly I feel better about myself, why don’t I own the security?

Hey- I know this is not true, but I’m really struggling with _________________ today. Will you pray for me?

Maybe instead of them judging me, they’ll pray with me. Maybe they’ll appreciate my honesty and feel like they can be honest back. Maybe they’ll remember that the next time they feel insecure, and they’ll have courage to own it too.

If each woman, young or old, starts owning her insecurities,
we just might find that we’re all more alike than we realize.

We just might find that someone else has battled and overcome the same security we are currently fighting.

We just might find that the insecurity doesn’t hold the same power over our mind when we’ve voiced it to someone else.

[After all, there is power in numbers.]

We just might find that we can give and receive love.

WithOUT Fear.