Depinned: Why #Flawless Creates Flaws

Flawless.

It’s everywhere.  

 Between Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest,
I can’t get away from these phrases:

| Girl- you’re flawless. | I woke up like this. #flawless | 

| You’re so pretty. You’re perf! |

There are over 6 million hashtags on Instagram for flawless. Over 2 million for perf. Over 35 million for perfection.

So, for week two of Pinterest De-pinned, we're looking at Flawless.

I'm not even starting on the whole concept that “God is the only flawless and perfect being in existence,” because that's longer than a blog. So let’s look at the practicality of what this compliment actually does to a woman.

So let’s say someone comments on an Insta pic of mine: Flawless!

Here’s what that does to me:

          1) makes me smile. 

AND then helps me think a literally impossible standard of beauty is actually achievable. #doomedforfailure

          2) makes me look at my picture again.

AND then causes me to scrutinize it for the 37^th time. Which leads to either an arrogant view of myself, or, the more probable version, leads me to raise my standards for myself and the future pics that I will post. If people think I’m that pretty… that means future pictures must measure up.

#mustkeepup

          3) makes me remember what the picture looked like without the filter. 

AND then Am I as pretty without the filter? Maybe… Who am I kidding? No. Look at my skin tones. My zits. My big nose. I wonder if I’ll ever like a natural (no filter) picture of myself again. #notflawlessbutdon’ttell

Here’s what it does to the friend:

          1) she’s so beautiful! #idon’tlooklikethat

          2) I’ll never look like that! #whyherandnotme? 

          3) If only I my _________ was smaller. #flawed

          4) Girl- you’re so #perf. #jealous

And the random girl reading the comments:

         1) She has a ton of likes! #i’veneverhadsomany

2) I don’t know if I’d call her flawless…. Her nose is a little small. Her eyes a little big. (Criticism begins….most likely a defense mechanism to keep herself from feeling horrible about herself and her appearance.) #she’sprettynotbeautiful

OR

2)  Yeah, I mean look at her. She is gorgeous. I’ll never have those eyes or that nose. #somegirlshaveitall

3) I’ll comment too-  “tbh we don’t know each other but you’re perf!” #jealous

So to summarize #flawless creates:

For the girl: #doomedforfailure #mustkeepup #notflawlessbutdon’ttell

For the friend: #idon’tlooklikethat #whyherandnotme? #flawed #jealous

For the reader:  #i’veneverhadsomany  #she’sprettynotbeautiful  #somegirlshaveitall #jealous

So #flawless creates all sorts of self-doubts and scrutiny into our flaws. Hmmm....

Question: Can we go back to the reality that each of us has flaws?  No one is physically perfect without Photoshop, and even then that’s subjective.  To continually tell each other that we are flawless is only pitting us against a standard that we will always lose to. 

I’m not saying don’t compliment! I’m saying compliment in a way that doesn’t create or add to pre-existing notions of perfectionism or the idol of beauty in so many of our girls’, even our own lives.

True beauty is real. It’s walked through the difficulties of day to day living and rises the next morning to do it again. True beauty involves a character that is loving and an integrity that is spotless. True beauty brings laughter and love to lonely hearts.  True beauty doesn’t have so much to do with the size of the eyes as the size of the heart. True beauty is my Savior’s love flowing through me.

Women and girls: May we learn to compliment sincerely.  Love without jealousy. And look without coveting.

#celebratedifferences #acceptflaws #commendtruebeauty

What do you think? Has #flawless ever created more hurt or more awareness to flaws with you?

Pinterest De-pinned.

Every woman I know has a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. Why? Because you love all the amazing ideas you find…. Like Reese’s Chocolate Pie… or Caramel stuffed Apples with ice cream on top….

But you hate it for the complete and total level of impossibility that lies within it’s scrolling borders.

You think that Ryan Gosling actually counted you twice?

So I present to you: Pinterest De-Pinned. 
 As I stumble upon what I believe to be completely ludicrous pins, I will do my best to de-pin them from your Pinterest boards. And minds everywhere.

Today I want to start with this gem:

This is completely false.  We’re talking 1,000% false.   How do I know? I’m a woman!!!!

(If that’s not good enough for you, we’ve got a whole different issue to work on!)

Now don’t get me wrong, the only man that matters to me is my husband, and in that one sense the board is true. BUT- I haven’t always been married. And even as a married woman, words can still affect me.

If this pinned statement were true:

• Then the number of affairs would be drastically LESS.  How many women have strayed because a man other than her husband started complimenting her?  Her hearing the words led to her believing the words which led to her thinking about the words… and on and on it goes….
• Then the number of bad relationships would be drastically LESS.   How many girls have dated the wrong guy| the bad guy|the abusive guy because it started with compliments like “You are so beautiful…” ?

Words impact. To say that impact is profound is accurate. To say life-long is no exaggeration.  To say it affects us is truth.

So brothers, fathers, cousins, friends, with all that I have in me, 
I beg you: Consider your words carefully. 
Consider the woman receiving your compliments even more so.

To the fathers and brothers:

Do your job.  Love your girl. Praise her. Let her know that she has a beauty that is pronounced and noticeable. Give her the compliments that other men should not be. Or not yet at least.  Let her know that her shape is lovely and her face is gorgeous.  If those words intimidate you, practice on your wife. She’ll love you for it.

To the male friends of girls:

Do YOUR job.  Watch your words.  Your job is to build up your friend as a sister… But that is still a different relationship than a biological sibling. Because you are not related to her, your words carry a different weight. Continual deep compliments will not help your friendship; it will only complicate it for you both.

Although it doesn’t seem like a big deal, it is. Because at some point, your compliments will lead to thoughts which lead to questions…. And then eventually you will like her or she will like you. And it will get awkward or worse… one of you will be hurt.

So please, encourage, and yes, even compliment her- but within appropriate boundaries and using appropriate words. She needs to know she’s valued but she shouldn’t feel pursued when you’re not actually giving chase.

To women:

We must guard our hearts and our minds. Yes, we’ve heard that. But for many of us, we haven’t lived it.

When the wrong guy is saying all the right things, you must learn to forget the compliment and leave the guy. 

Here’s the last point I have to make before I close. And this one is so passionately part of me, that I wish I could have started with it. Men- this also means the reverse is true.

All the times you tell her she isn’t beautiful-
that hurts twice as deep.

You have probably never said those words: “You’re not beautiful.” But you’ve possibly said it in other ways:

“You certainly got a butt on you!”

“Your thighs are like tree trunks!”

 “You’ve put on weight since last time I saw you!”

“No guy would ever want to date you….. I’m just playin, just playin!”

Or maybe you know better than to joke like that, but maybe you don’t know that it’s equally hard to hear men|boys|friends talk about how beautiful OTHER girls are. Or celebrities that are literally impossible (apart from plastic surgery, Photoshop, and private trainers) to look like.

Husbands|Fathers: Know that for you, this quote is true. When she knows you find her beautiful, she is a woman on top of the world.

Girls: 

You are Beautiful. You don’t need a million men to tell you that. Your heavenly Father already has. And the man you will marry will remind you of that… for the rest of your life.