The day I trusted human grace.

This has been a difficult season.  One consisting of way more downs than it has ups. Some of them far beyond my control, and yet some I formed with my own hands, words, or actions. The ones that are my own doing- well they bring a special sort of angst. If only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had said this instead of that. If only I had used my brain before I acted. If only I had thought about them before me.

If only… If only… If only.

I’m in an interesting place in my spiritual journey because I feel like I’m finally getting better at believing God forgives- the biggest and the “smallest” of sins... And realizing there is no such ranking in His eyes. I’m finally starting to quote Scripture to fight the enemy’s attack that I’ve messed up far too greatly and frequently for God to forgive. I’m finally starting to overcome that fear and live in the daily grace God gives.

Yet one day, not so long ago, the grace that God gives wasn’t quite enough. Not actually of course- we know God’s grace covers all.  But mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually, I needed human grace.  You see, I had sinned against a human. Not just God. My sinful words hadn’t only hurt God, they had hurt a dear friend. As God commands us to, I had asked forgiveness of Him and them, and had mercifully received it from both God and man. But…. 
I couldn’t believe in the human form of grace.  I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t trust that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I couldn’t show them the real depth of my sorrow. I couldn’t tell them enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t stop dwelling on it until they verbalized what I “just knew” they were actually thinking “You messed up big time. I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.”  Because that’s what I deserved.

When I had was exhausted from the mental sumo wrestling war with my self-condemnation, God’s grace showed up by letting me read Romans 8:6 in my quiet time. It says “For to set the mind on the flesh is death. But to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” In that moment, God whispered to me, “Holly, you are trusting their flesh. Instead, start trusting My Spirit inside of them.”

In that moment, I caught a glimpse of the freedom found in this truth.  A Christian brother or sister has the same Holy Spirit working in them as I have working in me. So then, just as I am commanded to forgive, even the vilest of offenses, so are they. When I am trusting in their flesh, their “natural” state, of course it brings death! Death of a friendship at the least!  Instead, I’m called to trust in something far greater. I am called to trust the Holy Spirit’s work in their life, and when I do that, then I am setting my mind on the Spirit…. And setting my mind on the Spirit brings life and peace.

So, I started being obedient. I started trusting the Spirit every time I wanted to trust the flesh.  You know what I discovered? It works.

I started believing in the human form of grace.  I started letting my past go. I started trusting that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I started to walk in the freedom of forgiveness. I started dwelling on my friend’s wonderful qualities instead of my inadequacies. I started forgiving others more freely. All because grace transforms.

As I was contemplating the peace that grace brings, I suddenly understood…. There are not two forms of grace- human and Divine: 

It’s all divine grace just like it’s all God’s forgiveness.  

He simply invites us partake.

I am insecure.

I am insecure.

It’s difficult to write those words, but even harder to admit them.

It’s not in every area. Probably not even in the areas you would expect.  It’s in the areas that I myself would not expect because there isn’t any reason for me to be uncertain in them. 

I came to this epiphany late one night rather recently. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with someone very close to me. It was truly a “light bulb” moment for me because in that quiet moment of reflection, I saw the conversation for what it really was:

A manipulative way for me to have my status of importance affirmed by someone else- someone whose approval meant a great deal to me.

It wasn’t an intentional manipulation- for most of us, it never is.  But it was manipulative nonetheless. As I realized the cold reality of my motivation in that conversation, I started to think back to other scenarios’ with other people, and to my chagrin and slight horror, I began to see a repetitive pattern that has thread its way through my relationships.

You see- despite being an introvert, I’m secure on most public fronts. I enjoy speaking in public. I usually have no problems voicing a dissenting opinion to a group.  Often, I roar as I’ve stated on this blog before.  So you can imagine my surprise when I came to terms with the fact that there is an entirely different side of me when it comes to my valuable people- family and friends.

It seems as though there are times where my roar struggles to come out as anything more than a whimper.

Sound familiar? I don’t know that I’m alone in the struggle.

The thread I saw weaving itself through my relationships look something like the following:

• Questions I ask that force someone else to either affirm their love for me or sound like a jerk.
• Conversations where I discuss how they’ve hurt me without allowing for or even caring for an explanation of their actions.  Much less a chance for them to explain how I’ve hurt them.
• Times that I have “tested” those I care about to see if they respond “correctly.”

As I reflected on the awkward position that I put my loved ones in at times, I realized that not only was insecurity running the show, but I also was being anything BUT loving in those moments- totally conflicting to my purpose of trying to feel more loved.

Some might remember a lesson I learned and shared a while back about how love should be fearless. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fear has not been perfected in love.”

When I put someone to the “test” to see if they genuinely care for me, I am giving them a reason to fear. The Greek root for the word “fear” in that verse has a meaning of “fleeing because feeling inadequate”.

Nobody enjoys having the friend that says every 5.4 seconds “I’m so ugly. You’re so pretty. I’m so fat. You’re so skinny. I’m so boring. You’re so cool.”

Why? It makes you want to flee! Her continual statements of self-doubt show you that no matter what you say, you can’t convince her otherwise…. Or in other words, you feel like fleeing because you are inadequate of changing her mind.

Ding-Ding-Ding. I Get It.

We all have continual doubts we battle and some of us then “test” with our loved ones. Doubts on whether or not:

• my best friend will love me through that mistake,
  
• I’m worth spending time with,
• my parents will forgive me no matter what,
• my siblings will accept my flaws,
• my husband will always love me- quirks and all,
• my friends still value my friendship even when hanging out with other friends,
• my beauty isn’t determined by the scale,
• my impact on others will be long-lasting,
• my mistake doesn’t change God’s love.

By showing our refusal to believe their words the first, second, hundredth, thousandth time(s), we are in essence telling them that they are unable to persuade us otherwise, and their promises are nice but worthless. Which of course would cause most people fearful that they will never change our minds! 

No wonder there is no place for fear in love! It destroys relationships!

So.  The new goal is to fight the urge to ask the manipulative question, while reminding myself that I love them enough to keep them from fearing me! But I would be lying if I didn’t also say that I know there will still be days when I need affirmation.

So on those days instead of testing the person I’m with so that when they answer correctly I feel better about myself, why don’t I own the security?

Hey- I know this is not true, but I’m really struggling with _________________ today. Will you pray for me?

Maybe instead of them judging me, they’ll pray with me. Maybe they’ll appreciate my honesty and feel like they can be honest back. Maybe they’ll remember that the next time they feel insecure, and they’ll have courage to own it too.

If each woman, young or old, starts owning her insecurities,
we just might find that we’re all more alike than we realize.

We just might find that someone else has battled and overcome the same security we are currently fighting.

We just might find that the insecurity doesn’t hold the same power over our mind when we’ve voiced it to someone else.

[After all, there is power in numbers.]

We just might find that we can give and receive love.

WithOUT Fear.

Newlywed Season OVER!

That’s right… our newlywed season is officially in the past! We are 1 day into the “rest of our marriage” which means it’s time for my semi-annual marriage post. Lessons learned from my marriage. #round2 #2ndanniversary

You might remember some previous ones. I’ve heard from quite a few of you that it has forever changed your approach to loading the silverware in the dishwasher.  (Aaron still holds that over my head.) I was also reminded just this weekend how vital it is to never leave hints. Always be blunt. As blunt as possible. Everytime.

As I’ve been reflecting on marriage and the lessons learned now that we’re ending the “newlywed” phase, there are some new lessons that are taking priority right now.

1. Compromise saves marriages... probably even the world #likeforreal

• If you do not want to learn every possible way to roll your eyes at your spouse for breaking into song every 1.5 minutes on a 9 hour road trip, compromise.
• If you want to spend your tax-return money on Coach purses, and he wants to spend it on a 1,000 inch television, compromise.
• If you want to lay in bed and watch hours of movies with his shoulder as your pillow, and his shirt as your Kleenex, compromise.
• If you’re not sure that you want your in-laws to live with you 11.75 months out of the year, compromise.

Are you getting the point?

Compromise is not something I like to do. I like to have my way. All. The. Time. But, I’m learning compromise makes life more enjoyable and less stressful in the long-run.

Here’s some of the areas we’ve learned to compromise in …

Aaron likes to burst into song… loudly (some might even say obnoxiously) So the compromise is that he gets to sing his heart out for one/two/three songs, and then I at some point get to chime in and say “That’s it! Sing it inside!”  Which he then finishes the song in his head, complete with hand motions, choreography, and facial expressions… but no noise.

When I get in the mood to be lazy, he knows I’m going to basically be worthless for a lot of hours. And it’s typically at the same time that he’s in the mood to “be productive”. So, I’m learning to “be productive” for one or two projects…and then go in a different room and be lazy guilt-free, but without him, while he can continue scurrying around accomplishing all sorts of goals and achievements.

Don’t misunderstand me, there are some things to never compromise. Don’t compromise on your values and morals. Compromise on the daily tasks, the quirky habits, the eccentric tendencies that can drive the other person nuts. 

But discuss your values. Talk about your morals.

Compromise on preferences not on sin.

2. Accept the reality that your spouse is not the leading role in a chick-flick. #dropmyexpectations #ain’tnobodyflawless

  ·         Aaron does not read my mind.

  ·         Aaron does not wake up with good breath.

  ·         Aaron does not stare into my eyes for hours on end getting lost in their “unfathomable depths.”

         Who has time for that?!

Similarly…

·         I do not read Aaron’s mind.

·         I do not wake up with good breath. Or good hair.

·        I do not have perfect hair, make-up, & accessories every time we go out

        Who has time for that?!

The truth is it’s easy to convince yourself that “he should know __________ !” when in all reality, unless he’s watch 897 chick-flicks and been able to string together which ones you personally identify, he would have absolutely no idea that when you say you don’t like getting flowers, you mean that 99.8% of the time, but that .2% when you do is for the situation that you are going through RIGHT NOW, which obviously calls for flowers!!!!

My life will never look like a romantic comedy. Some days might slightly echo it. But most days it’s far too “real” for that.  So instead, let me learn to celebrate my man’s strengths and see the godliness reflected in his character. Let me embrace the reality of living forever with someone and all the fights, silliness, scars, ups and downs that come with that.

3. Live by these words: Never get a puppy.  Just Kidding! #notreally #justsayno

Actually…

4. Live by these words… Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. {1 Peter 4:8} #onlywaytosurvive #lovecovers

When he’s wronged me. {Love} It covers the sin.

When I’ve wronged him. {Love} It covers the sin.

When we’ve both been wrong. {Love} It covers the sin.

I’m going to be honest. Some days I’m awful at this. I hold onto the sin. I bring up the failure. I carry the grudge.

And all it does is create deeper wounds. Bigger scars. Harsher fights.

But when I allow love to cover the sin- it envelopes the offense so that I can look through a lens of healing instead bitterness.

Yes, there’s still hurt. There’s still a wound. There might even be stitches.

{But it heals.}

 It doesn’t fester. It doesn’t get worse. It doesn’t spread.

{It’s restored.}

To my surprise, I’m realizing that the lessons learned in marriage are actually beneficial to my other relationships. #shocker  This stuff isn’t just for my marriage. It’s for my sister. My brothers. My parents. My friends. My co-workers. My staff.

Am I living and loving well?

1 John 4:19 We love each other because God loved us first.

If Jesus is enough...

Please Note: This blog is not suitable for young children due to the topic discussed.

If Jesus is enough, then why ….

Have 6% of all U.S. high school students had sexual intercourse before age 13. *

Are  5% of 12-year-olds, 10% of 13-year-olds and 20% of 14-year-olds sexually active. ** (When you consider that less than half of 12- to 14-year-olds have ever been on a date, these numbers are staggering. **)

Have 10% of girls said they would have sex to satisfy curiosity, and another 10% said they would have sex to satisfy sexual desires.**

Do almost 615,000 U.S. women aged 15–19 become pregnant each year. ***

Do  76% of 18-30 year old women say they view pornography at least once a month.****

Are 65% of girls are sexually active by their senior year.

It would seem that at least in America, our teenage girls do not believe
that Jesus is actually enough.

I’ve been asked many times, “Why do you teach so many lessons on relationships?  Isn’t teaching the girls “Jesus”, enough?  He’s all that we need, so why try to address the relationship topic. Clearly the issue is that girls need to love Jesus more.”

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen way too many great girls date a mistake. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen 10 too many girls cry over a romantic decision that cost far more than they ever wanted to pay. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak.

Maybe it’s because it’s taken me this long to be brave enough to be honest.

But no, in regards to the way you’re asking the question, for most of our teenage girls, “Jesus” isn’t enough.

Here’s what I mean by that:  If a girl doesn’t know how to transform theology into practicality, then the reality is, for her, Jesus is not enough.

Instead, she turns to a boy to fill the lonely void in her heart that has never been filled.

Most of us don’t have the smallest idea of what these teenage girls battle on a regular basis, but we think we do and we think by telling them “Jesus is enough” they will magically no longer want a boyfriend, no longer desire sexual attention, no longer make a decision that they will later regret.

But the brutal and harsh reality is this:

It’s not that simple.

Jesus won’t be enough for these girls until they know who Jesus is and why He is worth the loneliness, heartache, and feelings of rejection. So many times, we’re actually telling girls that a total stranger is “enough”.  

The only way that Jesus becomes enough is when we, the moms, sisters, mentors, girls ministers, introduce them and enable them to get to know Jesus.  The deeper-than-Sunday-school version of Jesus.

The Jesus that has held me while I cried.

The Jesus that has promised me a life worthy of living.

The Jesus that has walked with me through days that no one else has been present for.

The Jesus that has made the Bible come alive.

The Jesus that became my best friend.

Then and only then we will find ourselves hearing girls say to other girls “Jesus is enough. I know that doesn’t make sense now, and may not even be true for you. But let me tell you how it became true for me.”

In the meantime, for the girls who haven’t yet learned that Jesus is enough,  I will keep warning girls about bad relationships. I will keep telling moms the severity of sexual activity in junior high and high school. I will keep fighting the battle that is the foremost reason girls make life-changing mistakes: the battle of relationships.

And I will use that platform to show the girls that the simple yet confusing truth is that Jesus can be enough.

If you are in the Houston area, please click here for information about my upcoming event at Sagemont Church on this topic.

*http://advocatesforyouth.org/storage/advfy/documents/adolescent-sexual-behavior-demographics.pdf

**http://www.citizenlink.com/2010/06/17/teen-sexual-behavior-quick-facts/

*** http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

****2015-porn-stats-covenant-eyes.pdf

Fitting out

We’ve all felt it. 

Walking into a room and thinking “I don’t belong here. | I’m way underdressed. | Definitely don’t know anyone. AwKwArD. | I wish I hadn’t of come.”

Maybe the thoughts come after leaving the room. “Well that was miserable. |
I wish I could get into that group- they seem so fun. | Why did I go? It always turns out to be uncomfortable!”

Recently I heard it put this way in the movie Home (which is amazing!):

I don’t fit in. I fit out.

When I heard that line I thought, “Wow. That describes it perfectly.” How many of us think that as we walk into school every morning? Or into church every Sunday? 

I know I certainly have. The struggle of feeling on the out instead of the in is more common than we like to confess. While we’re being transparent, women would have to admit feeling this as well. We like to play it off as a teenage struggle- constantly feeling the tension to fit in and not fit out. But it’s not something that goes away when you turn 20. It is one that unexpectedly follows us into adulthood leaving us to wonder what is wrong with us that we could never find our niche. It has truly been a journey of surprise to discover that women of all ages, 10-92, fight this expectation of acceptance.

I offer you 3 things I am learning in this battle. 

Hopefully they will bring some degree of relief if you find yourself in the same position as I.

1) Don’t stop trying.

For some, this is easy and obvious. For me, it’s torture and confusing. I’m an introvert. Introverts typically use the “run and hide” technique when faced with trying to find a group to belong to rather than the “face the battle’ technique.

I am learning, however, that there are many women who want to belong somewhere as desperately as I do. If no one ever tries to make those connections, however, we really will be left isolated and lonely.

I’m also learning to initiate “trying”. What I mean by that is this: with the women I felt that connection with, I ask them to lunch; I coordinate a girl’s night; I make the phone call.  Is it awkward? Yes! But is it worth it? Absolutely.

2) Accept your season.

Although I just said don’t stop trying to find friends, also learn to adjust your expectations to your season of life. In college, I had a constant friend group. After college, I had a constant friendship with loneliness.  There are different seasons in life, and different levels of community for each season.  If you are new to a church, job, stage of life, or city, you more than likely will be in a lonelier season than before. Learn to walk the path of your season.

3) Don’t be picky. Do be yourself.

It’s easy for us to spot an established group of friends and decide that’s where we belong. So we then do anything and everything we can to put ourselves into that friend group; often even changing ourselves a little bit.  The times in my life when I have stopped being picky, arrogant, and close-minded, I have found friends in places I would least expect! The groups that I used to want desperately to be a part of are now groups that I realize I don’t click with.  Nothing against them or me, I’m finally honest enough to be myself. And find a group that fits me- not the me I think I want to be.

  

I get that there’s no easy answer to the feeling of fitting out instead of fitting in. But I’m realizing more and more that maybe fitting out is where I’m supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe… the in crowd isn’t fit for me!

In Him,

Holly

Ariel's Awkwardness: Hope for girls everywhere

Some of you might remember Cinderella and Dating post that I wrote a ways back that a lot of you identified with…. Well, I’ve been thinking about Disney Princesses again (since we recently returned from Disney), and I’ve been having conversations with oh-so-many teenage girls…. And *poof* Ariel keeps popping into my head.

The more I think about Ariel, the more I’m convinced that she’s the heroine for the normal American teenage girl. She brings hope to the normal girls, the awkward girls, the quirky girls, and possibly even deranged girls everywhere.

How? 2 reasons.

#1 Silent beauty- rrriiiiiiiggghhhttt!

According to the story, they fell in love while Ariel was QUIET.  In fact, a children’s adaptation of the story, puts it like this:

“Charmed by her silent beauty, Prince Eric showed Ariel his kingdom.”

Anyone else see the GLARING issue with this????

They fell in love while she was silent?!?!

Even on an introvert’s most quiet day, she still TALKS.  She’s n-e-v-e-r silent. And if she is, then any guy who’s been around any girl for any length of time knows that when a girl is silent, something is seriously wrong.  Like MAJORLY wrong.

Any time I fall quiet, this will invariably happen within 10-30 minutes…

“Holly, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You’re really quiet….”

“Yeah….well….. ok, so here’s what happened….”

And I then proceed to tell my husband what’s wrong.

It happens like that every- single- time.  And I KNOW that I’m not alone. Even if you girls deny it, let me ask the brothers/fathers/boyfriends/husbands in your lives, and they’ll agree with me. Even quiet girls aren’t silent! 

But-

Most girls, many normal teenage girls, fall quiet when they are around someone of the opposite sex- regardless of whether they like the boy or not, it’s almost natural to lose our voice. It’s not that we are trying to show off Ariel’s “silent charm”, if anything that’s the last thing we want, but we simply don’t know what to say. It’s like our brain and mouth lose the connection to each other! A guy could say something, and we’ll be struck mute. Our girlfriend can say the same sentence 2 hours later to us, and we will have the best response EVER.

(To which we then fall back in our chair, sigh, and loudly proclaim “What is wrong with me?!!? Why can’t I talk when there’s a guy around?!?!?!”)

So my young friends, if that is you, take heart. You are not alone!  Sometimes I think it’s God’s way of protecting us from dating the wrong guy or just at the wrong time! ;)

It’s totally acceptable that it’s not easy for you to talk to guys or flirt with boys. You are normal- not weird!  I promise you- there will be a guy that comes along one day that makes it easy to talk to him. That’s the guy that you want.

One of my favorite things about Aaron is that early in our dating relationship, he asked me lots of questions. He drew me out of my shell. He wanted to know the real me that not everyone sees. And he still does. He still asks. And I love him for it.

You’ll find your own Prince that does the same for you- a man that helps you find those words that you didn’t even know you had inside you.

#2 Cute hoarder-  rrriiiiiiiggghhhttt!

It’s time someone says it. Ariel is a hoarder. She collects and keeps gadgets, gizmos, whosits, whatsits and thingamabobs. Look at her sea shelves FULL of objects. There are some underlying issues there that no one else seems willing to address.

Here’s the truth though- we all are like Ariel in some fashion.  We have all collected and/or even hoarded stuff.  It may not be a physical as a gizmo or whosits, but it’s just as noticeable. This relationship “baggage” comes in all shapes and sizes… it can be as simple as refusing to go to bed with the television on, to something as monotonous as loading the dishwasher a certain way.

Or it can be as complicated as unresolved pain from a past relationship; struggles with parents that carryover into marriage; past abuse that influences future trust…. The list of options goes on. Eternally.

This unseen baggage is much more “consuming” than any amount of gadgets, thingamabobs, and gizmos could ever occupy. Well… unless you are a legit hoarder; if so, that’s you need to read a whole different blog book….

Bottom line, Ariel couldn’t take her grotto of forks, beads, and random objects into the castle and into her new life. It would just clutter up her new home, and she discovered that there was already much of those objects there.

Our relationship baggage is the same. When we carry it into our serious relationships or marriage, it clutters up our new normal: our relationship.  I’m not saying that we can just throw it away and pretend we never owned it…. If only it were that simple, but it’s not. Relational baggage has to be dealt with- it must be unpacked, sorted, and put in its rightful place: the past.

Like Ariel, we’ll also find that our new home has its own set of “baggage” to deal with. It’s not a bad thing- it’s a normal thing. As you build a life with someone, you will work through unforeseen “stuff” with each other and you’ll need to figure out the proper place for it. That’s part of relationships. Part of marriage. Part of life.

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Where are you at?  Are you in the awkard stage? Maybe you're in the getting rid of the baggage stage? If you're married- any advice to give our younger sisters?  Share your ideas below!

To my younger sisters- take heart: