Newlywed Season OVER!

That’s right… our newlywed season is officially in the past! We are 1 day into the “rest of our marriage” which means it’s time for my semi-annual marriage post. Lessons learned from my marriage. #round2 #2ndanniversary

You might remember some previous ones. I’ve heard from quite a few of you that it has forever changed your approach to loading the silverware in the dishwasher.  (Aaron still holds that over my head.) I was also reminded just this weekend how vital it is to never leave hints. Always be blunt. As blunt as possible. Everytime.

As I’ve been reflecting on marriage and the lessons learned now that we’re ending the “newlywed” phase, there are some new lessons that are taking priority right now.

1. Compromise saves marriages... probably even the world #likeforreal

• If you do not want to learn every possible way to roll your eyes at your spouse for breaking into song every 1.5 minutes on a 9 hour road trip, compromise.
• If you want to spend your tax-return money on Coach purses, and he wants to spend it on a 1,000 inch television, compromise.
• If you want to lay in bed and watch hours of movies with his shoulder as your pillow, and his shirt as your Kleenex, compromise.
• If you’re not sure that you want your in-laws to live with you 11.75 months out of the year, compromise.

Are you getting the point?

Compromise is not something I like to do. I like to have my way. All. The. Time. But, I’m learning compromise makes life more enjoyable and less stressful in the long-run.

Here’s some of the areas we’ve learned to compromise in …

Aaron likes to burst into song… loudly (some might even say obnoxiously) So the compromise is that he gets to sing his heart out for one/two/three songs, and then I at some point get to chime in and say “That’s it! Sing it inside!”  Which he then finishes the song in his head, complete with hand motions, choreography, and facial expressions… but no noise.

When I get in the mood to be lazy, he knows I’m going to basically be worthless for a lot of hours. And it’s typically at the same time that he’s in the mood to “be productive”. So, I’m learning to “be productive” for one or two projects…and then go in a different room and be lazy guilt-free, but without him, while he can continue scurrying around accomplishing all sorts of goals and achievements.

Don’t misunderstand me, there are some things to never compromise. Don’t compromise on your values and morals. Compromise on the daily tasks, the quirky habits, the eccentric tendencies that can drive the other person nuts. 

But discuss your values. Talk about your morals.

Compromise on preferences not on sin.

2. Accept the reality that your spouse is not the leading role in a chick-flick. #dropmyexpectations #ain’tnobodyflawless

  ·         Aaron does not read my mind.

  ·         Aaron does not wake up with good breath.

  ·         Aaron does not stare into my eyes for hours on end getting lost in their “unfathomable depths.”

         Who has time for that?!

Similarly…

·         I do not read Aaron’s mind.

·         I do not wake up with good breath. Or good hair.

·        I do not have perfect hair, make-up, & accessories every time we go out

        Who has time for that?!

The truth is it’s easy to convince yourself that “he should know __________ !” when in all reality, unless he’s watch 897 chick-flicks and been able to string together which ones you personally identify, he would have absolutely no idea that when you say you don’t like getting flowers, you mean that 99.8% of the time, but that .2% when you do is for the situation that you are going through RIGHT NOW, which obviously calls for flowers!!!!

My life will never look like a romantic comedy. Some days might slightly echo it. But most days it’s far too “real” for that.  So instead, let me learn to celebrate my man’s strengths and see the godliness reflected in his character. Let me embrace the reality of living forever with someone and all the fights, silliness, scars, ups and downs that come with that.

3. Live by these words: Never get a puppy.  Just Kidding! #notreally #justsayno

Actually…

4. Live by these words… Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. {1 Peter 4:8} #onlywaytosurvive #lovecovers

When he’s wronged me. {Love} It covers the sin.

When I’ve wronged him. {Love} It covers the sin.

When we’ve both been wrong. {Love} It covers the sin.

I’m going to be honest. Some days I’m awful at this. I hold onto the sin. I bring up the failure. I carry the grudge.

And all it does is create deeper wounds. Bigger scars. Harsher fights.

But when I allow love to cover the sin- it envelopes the offense so that I can look through a lens of healing instead bitterness.

Yes, there’s still hurt. There’s still a wound. There might even be stitches.

{But it heals.}

 It doesn’t fester. It doesn’t get worse. It doesn’t spread.

{It’s restored.}

To my surprise, I’m realizing that the lessons learned in marriage are actually beneficial to my other relationships. #shocker  This stuff isn’t just for my marriage. It’s for my sister. My brothers. My parents. My friends. My co-workers. My staff.

Am I living and loving well?

1 John 4:19 We love each other because God loved us first.

Life in 288 square feet.

 Life in 288 square feet.

My husband, puppy Oreo, and I are in “transition” which is code for the fact that 3 of us, 2 people and a puppy, are sharing a bedroom and a bathroom with a grand total of less than 300 square feet. Not surprisingly, the puppy seems to be thrilled! She’s never had this much constant access to us before. Well, we’ve actually never had this much constant access to each other before either!

Earlier this summer, we watched one of those HGTV shows that highlighted a couple deciding to move into a “tiny house.” We thought they were crazy.  And yet here we are. Not quite a house but just as tiny. I’ve learned some valuable lessons in this tiny space, some that will probably stay with me a while.

1. No matter how much you “puppy proof” a room, you’ll always miss something. And they will always locate it. And then devour it. And then spit it out. And then look at you with that cute but guilty and devilish look as you clean it up.
2. Packing while in a large house for a tiny space isn’t effective. You really aren’t in the zone. Like at all. Although it made sense at the time to have a different bag for every type of item or clothing, now you’re living with stacks of suitcases surrounding falling onto you.  Why did I think it was a good idea to have a bag just for t-shirts?  Why do I even have enough t-shirts to fill a bag??
3. Zig Ziglar was right when he said “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”  But he failed to mention that it will not determine the size of your living area. 

In this temporary place, I’m constantly noticing that our life is transitioning. To new places, new normals, new routines. But before we get to experience all those exciting outcomes, however, I’m learning that I must first be reminded of the reality of life. The reality of relationships. The reality of faith. Only then do I really appreciate the new life.

So, today I thanked God for the chance to be here. Yes, here, in this 288 square feet room with questions swirling, a puppy panting, and a husband studying. 

Because here tells me that God cares.  He cares so much more….

• More about my character than my happiness.
• More about teaching me what’s actually important in my life than providing me with all of life’s walk-in closets and double vanities.
• More about appreciating that my husband is leading us to walk in faith and not comfort. 
• More about understanding that God is faithful to provide. Always.
• More about learning that God’s provision are best for me even if they don’t align to exactly what I ask and when I ask for it.

So, with that in mind, I’m trying to appreciate the here. One day, when we’re there, I’ll be reminded of how grateful I was for the lessons in the here.

In the meantime, I have to go find out what my puppy just did. She has that “look” again.  Excuse my chanting…. They do say repetition leads to retention after all….

Be grateful for the here... Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here…  

Man Truths

I’ve been married  1 year, 1 month and 1 day.  

  

And in that 1 year, 1 month and 1 day, I have found that there is truth to what older wiser women told me about men. Truth that I didn’t realize would save me some MAJOR confusion in marriage (or friendships) if I would have simply trusted their words. But today, sisters, today I believe them…which is consequently transforming the way I approach relationships.

Here are the 3 Man Truths that have been confirmed in my world. I’d love to hear in the comments below if they’ve been confirmed in yours.

#1 Hints are worthless. All of them.  E.V.E.R.Y. time.

Girls, we have all heard it. And yet, we’ve all devoured enough chick flicks, and read enough Nicholas Sparks novels that we choose to believe the fiction over the facts.  Fiction tells us that the majority of men naturally pick up the ability to read your mind while simultaneously ignoring your words (if needed).

For example, when we say:

“I think it’s so sweet when men buy jewelry for their girls…  Oh my! You know, that necklace would go perfect with my leopard-print dress! It’s soooooooooooo beautiful!!! I wish I had it!”

We feel as those are practically screaming “Buy me the necklace- it will show me you love me!!!! I WANT THE NECKLACE!!!!!!”

What he hears: “She must really like the necklace… “

Some men might also add on to that thought:  If she likes it that much, she should just buy it.

So what happens? He says that to his girl, excited that he’s picked up on something… and is shocked when she bursts into tears exclaiming “Oh, you just don’t get it!” and proceeds to tell him she feels like he doesn’t care about her. He’s left shaking his head wondering:
“If she liked the necklace so much, why would buying it make her so mad? Where did that backfire???”

Final conclusion: Hints are worthless.

#2 You must give them “conversation codes”.

Here’s something else that we’ve all heard: Boys hear a problem and want to fix it, but girls just want boys to listen.

Well we’ve all heard it because guess what- it’s true!!! When I tell Aaron a problem, his mind naturally and instantly processes: “If I solve this problem, my wife will be happy again. Let me solve this problem.”

Which, in all reality, makes sense when we look at it “logically” like a guy does. But why in the world would we do that?!?! We’re girls! In the midst of heartache, very rarely do we want logic!

So, I’ve learned to help us both be “successful” in getting what we want, I now tell Aaron the code to success at the beginning:  “Babe, this is a conversation that I need you to listen. And after you listen, I need you to reaffirm me.”

He now knows- “The solution in this instance to making my wife happy is not solving her problems it’s encouraging her.” 

Now, he probably is thinking – “She’s crazy. If she would just let me solve the problem, we wouldn’t have to have this same conversation 5 times.” But, he’s a sweet man, and keeps that thought to himself. Most of the time. ;)

In the end, the code solves both our problems! He’s happy because he’s not upsetting me further, and I’m happy because he’s not being logical when I need emotional!

#3 Avoid using “fine.” It only destroys conversations.

I will admit- I’m 100% stereotypical female in this particular way. I use “Fine” when I’m not actually fine.

But here’s my perfectly logical reasoning to why I say “fine” when I’m not….

1) I’m actually really annoyed, but I need to calm myself down before I tell you that I’m annoyed because then I’ll overreact.

2) I’m overreacting and I know I’m overreacting, and so I’m saying that I’m fine because it should be true, and it will be true, it’s just not true at this exact moment.

3) It’s fine. It’s not awful; it’s not great… it’s f.i.n.e.

So those make total sense right? Evidently to a man, not at all.  Here’s what a man hears…or so I’ve been told.

1) She’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is “fine”.

2) She’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is “fine”.

3) Why would she say it’s fine if she’s not pleased with it? Shouldn’t saying “fine” actually mean that she finds it acceptable?..... So if she’s not pleased but says she is… she’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is actually an acceptable form of “fine”.

Whoa. Major differences in thought processes. And I must admit, when my eyes were opened to the fact that men feel like they are being lied to and then forced to figure out on their own why we are so unhappy… is it any wonder that they get so frustrated with that answer?

Now, in our defense ladies, our intent behind “fine” most of the time is actually a good thing!! But I’m learning that for some men- they would rather have the emotional, sometimes illogical, sometimes very upset truth, then to be left in the dark as to what is actually going on.

So there’s my recently learned Man Truths! I’m with you sisters- it would be SO MUCH EASIER if men could just get with the program and read the female brain. But in the meantime, it’s all fine right?!?! ;)

 Please- if you have more to add- share below!!!

20 surprise lessons

Some things you expect to learn. Some things you don't.

  

1.    I am learning that learning never ends.

       2.    … that puppies are not logical.

   3.    … that changing me is a whole lot harder than changing him.

       4.    … some people will always know everything... 

and it's not worth bursting their bubble.   

5.    …  that if you’re not careful, you’ll cook the same meal
every night with a different side.

      6.    … that men don’t speak our language.  At all.

   7.    …that self-discipline is NOT as fun as laziness. But IS more rewarding.

       

 9.          … that cleanliness is subjective.

       10.  … that biting my tongue is much more difficult than 

speaking my mind.

11.     … that praying through a difficulty is more
 powerful than talking through it.

12.  … that whoever said “You’ll love eating healthy once you get used to it!” should be put in a padded room and strait-jacket.

13.     … that finding things to be thankful for on those “just curl up and cry” days is necessary but oh-so challenging.

   14.     … that to a puppy- my feet exist to be chew toys or pillows-  depending on her mood.

  15.  … that my reaction to others’ strengths and weaknesses is my responsibility.

  16.     … that friendship is worth chasing.

  17.     … that wearing high heels everyday might look great but is
  insanity defined.

18.     … that admitting weakness is possible. And helpful.

19.     … to change.

20.     … that chocolate chip cookies are the greatest peace offering ever given. For real- try it out.

But the greatest thing that I am learning is that the Great I AM is the one always doing the teaching. 

Oreo's Life Lessons

As I mentioned last week, Aaron and I are now puppy parents.  Awesome.

Let’s just say we have our good days and our not so good days...  

Oreo (our Maltipoo puppy- a Maltese and poodle mix) is proving to be very intelligent and also pretty strong-willed, which happens to be an awesome combination for her… and a difficult combination for her never-before-puppy-owner-parents.  In the game of Oreo’s life, the score stands Oreo: 142 the Browns: 2.

So this week, allow me to remind you why you should never get a puppy. Regardless of how ridiculously cute and cuddly they might appear.  It’s just an act.

T-R-U-S-T me.

Oreo’s life lessons:

1. Cute things aren’t always cute.

When we looked at Oreo and her brother, we were trying to decide which puppy to take home. Her brother was super cute too, but even more rambunctious than our “sweet lil’ Oreo”. {Insert Sarcasm}  Actually the couple who owned them advised us to take Oreo because she was such a chill dog. He told us that she was the calmest easiest dog out of the litter. Winner!!!! It was an easy choice once we found that out. She was the perfect puppy!!!

And all that is true. Except it’s not. Yes, there are periods where Oreo minds her own business and plays by herself, but then there’s the other 95% of the time that she is literally fastening herself to our feet as we walk (she gets on the top of our feet and holds on as we walk); refusing to walk on a leash, requiring us to drag her little bottom across concrete until she decides to feel like walking; picking up her water bowl and purposefully tipping it over so she can watch us mop it up…etc…

All true my friends. All true.

So the life lesson that I have concluded is that cute things aren’t cute.  What?  Well, on the outside Oreo is adorable, fluffy, soft, and precious. On the inside she is mischievous, conniving, and manipulative.

In life- if it looks or sounds too good to be true, it is.   Do your background checks. Hire the private investigator. Don’t believe the smooth-talking attractive boy who’s had 14 girlfriends in 2 months but tells you that you are different.

Always remember- cute things aren’t always cute.

2. Causing dissension is way easier than bringing harmony.

Everyone seems to believe the notion that puppy training is a predecessor to infant training. So many people said “Oh you got a puppy?!?! So you’re going to have a baby then?!”

“What?!? Nooo!!!! We just got a puppy. We’re not in the market for a little human.”

 It felt like in our arena of life, friends and family filled the stadium to watch how Aaron and I would handle Oreo. And, now, after having her for almost a month, I must admit I see why they wanted front-row seats.

To a certain level, like an infant, Oreo requires nourishment, constant monitoring, repeated and consistent discipline, and a somewhat stable routine. Aaron and I now  have regular conversations about who will do what, and which one of us will handle which part of her regimen. Along the way we discovered a shocking revelation. We don’t always agree with the best way to handle Oreo. Whoa. I know. That’s a twist you didn’t see coming.

There have been more than one occasion that Oreo has chewed a wall (I only wish I was kidding), nibbled on a vacuum extension tube, decided to taste her “off-limits white rug”, pooped on a kitchen rug, pottied on the hardwood floor, body-slammed her cage door, or sprinted in circles around us when we wanted to catch her… Sometimes, I start to handle the sheer chaos one way and Aaron handles it another. We then begin arguing with each other- all the while, the mischievous, 3 pound black runt who is completely to blame, looks up with her head cocked, and I swear a grin on her face as she watches us fight it out.

She doesn’t wear that same grin when she watches us sitting together without her on the couch, or observing us enjoy our dinner without her.

And I realized, she is blatantly acting out what many of us wish we could do, or go ahead and do in more subtle ways.  It’s easier and sometimes even more fun when we cause conflict in our homes, our friend groups, our classes. Why? What in the world makes me say that?

Well, let’s start with this. Oreo likes to push the boundaries at times for no other reason to see what our response will be.  Which makes me wonder- who do I do that too? Who do I test for no other reason to push their button? In what areas am I behaving just like my puppy??

Or maybe, when we, like Oreo, cause a ruckus, we enjoy knowing we created the stir.  Or maybe there’s a bit of relief knowing that you distracted your teacher from the real issue at hand. Or maybe causing your parents to pick at each other keeps them from picking at you. Or perhaps when you’re getting in trouble, you’re at least getting attention, which is something that you never seem to get any other time.

It’s easier to do something that causes conflict than to work for something that brings harmony. And sometimes when we’re truly honest, we admit that we would rather have the dissension than harmony.

3. Walking away from something you care about is easier than you think.

Case in point, when Oreo gets sick of us (a giant whopping 5% of the time), she leaves us. Without looking back. It still surprises us a little every time she does it. She’s having a great time, playing tug-of-war, fetch, or “jump-all-over-Aaron” until she’s done. Then she’s over it.

For some of us, this doesn’t seem like a magical gift. For others it is. In our minds we are screaming- if only I could walk away???!!!!! How many times have you kept dating the wrong guy, because you just couldn’t break away? How many times have we gotten in trouble because of our poor friend choices because we couldn’t make the separation? How many times have we over-eaten the cookies because saying no is impossible in that moment?

Ladies, let’s take a lesson from the puppy. Walk away. Learn to say no when it’s needed. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. Protect your health. Protect your choices. Protect your future. Protect your kids. 

No isn’t always bad. In fact, sometimes, it’s the best, most loving thing we can say or do.

Here’s the thing- Aaron and I aren’t mad at Oreo when she leaves. We don’t hate her. We think it’s pretty awesome actually. At the young age of 3 months, she knows more than I do in my 29 years. She knows when she needs to be done. 

And for you, the people who truly care about you will support your decision to do the same.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, ok….So, maybe those don’t completely support the argument to save yourself from getting a puppy, and if I’m being completely vulnerable, I’ll admit that I’m pretty attached to Oreo myself. I mean, she is pretty cute, right?!

Give me 5 minutes to when she’s back to eating our wall again- I might change my stance.