The day I trusted human grace.

This has been a difficult season.  One consisting of way more downs than it has ups. Some of them far beyond my control, and yet some I formed with my own hands, words, or actions. The ones that are my own doing- well they bring a special sort of angst. If only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had said this instead of that. If only I had used my brain before I acted. If only I had thought about them before me.

If only… If only… If only.

I’m in an interesting place in my spiritual journey because I feel like I’m finally getting better at believing God forgives- the biggest and the “smallest” of sins... And realizing there is no such ranking in His eyes. I’m finally starting to quote Scripture to fight the enemy’s attack that I’ve messed up far too greatly and frequently for God to forgive. I’m finally starting to overcome that fear and live in the daily grace God gives.

Yet one day, not so long ago, the grace that God gives wasn’t quite enough. Not actually of course- we know God’s grace covers all.  But mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually, I needed human grace.  You see, I had sinned against a human. Not just God. My sinful words hadn’t only hurt God, they had hurt a dear friend. As God commands us to, I had asked forgiveness of Him and them, and had mercifully received it from both God and man. But…. 
I couldn’t believe in the human form of grace.  I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t trust that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I couldn’t show them the real depth of my sorrow. I couldn’t tell them enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t stop dwelling on it until they verbalized what I “just knew” they were actually thinking “You messed up big time. I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.”  Because that’s what I deserved.

When I had was exhausted from the mental sumo wrestling war with my self-condemnation, God’s grace showed up by letting me read Romans 8:6 in my quiet time. It says “For to set the mind on the flesh is death. But to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” In that moment, God whispered to me, “Holly, you are trusting their flesh. Instead, start trusting My Spirit inside of them.”

In that moment, I caught a glimpse of the freedom found in this truth.  A Christian brother or sister has the same Holy Spirit working in them as I have working in me. So then, just as I am commanded to forgive, even the vilest of offenses, so are they. When I am trusting in their flesh, their “natural” state, of course it brings death! Death of a friendship at the least!  Instead, I’m called to trust in something far greater. I am called to trust the Holy Spirit’s work in their life, and when I do that, then I am setting my mind on the Spirit…. And setting my mind on the Spirit brings life and peace.

So, I started being obedient. I started trusting the Spirit every time I wanted to trust the flesh.  You know what I discovered? It works.

I started believing in the human form of grace.  I started letting my past go. I started trusting that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I started to walk in the freedom of forgiveness. I started dwelling on my friend’s wonderful qualities instead of my inadequacies. I started forgiving others more freely. All because grace transforms.

As I was contemplating the peace that grace brings, I suddenly understood…. There are not two forms of grace- human and Divine: 

It’s all divine grace just like it’s all God’s forgiveness.  

He simply invites us partake.

Life in 288 square feet.

 Life in 288 square feet.

My husband, puppy Oreo, and I are in “transition” which is code for the fact that 3 of us, 2 people and a puppy, are sharing a bedroom and a bathroom with a grand total of less than 300 square feet. Not surprisingly, the puppy seems to be thrilled! She’s never had this much constant access to us before. Well, we’ve actually never had this much constant access to each other before either!

Earlier this summer, we watched one of those HGTV shows that highlighted a couple deciding to move into a “tiny house.” We thought they were crazy.  And yet here we are. Not quite a house but just as tiny. I’ve learned some valuable lessons in this tiny space, some that will probably stay with me a while.

1. No matter how much you “puppy proof” a room, you’ll always miss something. And they will always locate it. And then devour it. And then spit it out. And then look at you with that cute but guilty and devilish look as you clean it up.
2. Packing while in a large house for a tiny space isn’t effective. You really aren’t in the zone. Like at all. Although it made sense at the time to have a different bag for every type of item or clothing, now you’re living with stacks of suitcases surrounding falling onto you.  Why did I think it was a good idea to have a bag just for t-shirts?  Why do I even have enough t-shirts to fill a bag??
3. Zig Ziglar was right when he said “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”  But he failed to mention that it will not determine the size of your living area. 

In this temporary place, I’m constantly noticing that our life is transitioning. To new places, new normals, new routines. But before we get to experience all those exciting outcomes, however, I’m learning that I must first be reminded of the reality of life. The reality of relationships. The reality of faith. Only then do I really appreciate the new life.

So, today I thanked God for the chance to be here. Yes, here, in this 288 square feet room with questions swirling, a puppy panting, and a husband studying. 

Because here tells me that God cares.  He cares so much more….

• More about my character than my happiness.
• More about teaching me what’s actually important in my life than providing me with all of life’s walk-in closets and double vanities.
• More about appreciating that my husband is leading us to walk in faith and not comfort. 
• More about understanding that God is faithful to provide. Always.
• More about learning that God’s provision are best for me even if they don’t align to exactly what I ask and when I ask for it.

So, with that in mind, I’m trying to appreciate the here. One day, when we’re there, I’ll be reminded of how grateful I was for the lessons in the here.

In the meantime, I have to go find out what my puppy just did. She has that “look” again.  Excuse my chanting…. They do say repetition leads to retention after all….

Be grateful for the here... Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here…  

Just wait

Eyes widened. Little hands covered her eyes. “Daddy, I’m scared.”

Watching her reaction pierced my core. Because in all honesty, her reaction was the appropriate one to the scene that was unfolding before us.

And yet for me, I didn't react.  Perhaps because I’d seen it before.  But as I watched the little girl retreat into her dad’s arms, my heart started turning.  I became increasingly more thankful that I knew the end to this story because if not, then fear and despair would be overwhelming. And right.

What was the scene that caused such a response? The crucifixion of my Savior.

For my fellow believers, put yourself for just a moment in the mind of someone who is watching the story of Jesus for the first time.  Go back to the time of your childhood as you watch the Man who was also fully God, live a humble and beautiful life. He healed the sick, restored the broken, provided for the hungry. He proclaimed with humble certainty "I am the way, the truth, and the life*… I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.”**

The One who lived a perfect, sin-less life only to be betrayed by a friend, denied by a best friend, and tried as a criminal. Although the human judge believed His innocence, he was too cowardly to stand up to the mob of bullies, and so he turned over this precious Man’s life to the Cross.

When the little girl muttered her fear and horror, we were watching the Man carry his own Cross to the crucifixion spot.  The scene only grew darker as the soldiers stretched out His severely beaten body in order to pound nails into His hands and feet. The Father forsook His only beloved Son. 

The girl recoiled. The soldiers did not.

We watched Him die. And His mother weep. And despair settle.

“Why Daddy? Why did He have to die?”

“Just wait honey… just wait!”

We watched 3 horrific days pass... BUT THEN... 

The girl’s eyes opened wide. Confusion and excitement covered her face. Joy replaced the fear. Smiles replaced the frowns.

I watched her discover the Son of God’s tomb was empty as He triumphantly proclaimed victory over evil in this world and beyond!Jesus IS alive! We HAVE reason to hope! We HAVE salvation! Her excitement stirred my heart and birthed a prayer:

Father, let me always be as a little girl hearing the story for the first time.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. ***

Death has died and love has won! This video of  the song Mercy Tree so beautifully depicts the Easter story- take a minute to watch!

… And for those who might not know…

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

For the punishment of sin is death, but the gift of God (salvation) is eternal life in Jesus our Lord! Romans 6:23

But God shows His love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Jesus died for us. Romans 5:8

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved! For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved! Romans 10:9-10

Receiving salvation is as simple as praying these truths back to God and accepting His love and offer of salvation.You can pray something as simple as:

God, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I deserve the consequences of my sin. However, I am trusting in Jesus Christ as my Savior. I believe that His death and resurrection gives me forgiveness and covers my sin. I trust in Jesus and Jesus alone as my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you Lord, for saving me and forgiving me! Amen!"

Let me know if you do- I’d love to rejoice with you!

*Jn 14:6;**Jn 11:25-26;*** 1 Cor 15:55-57

Mascara Running. Hands Clapping

Earth Shattering.

Heavens Rejoicing.

Galaxies Smiling.

Mascara Running.

Praises Rising.

Hands Clapping.

Glory Shining.

Laughter Ringing.

Music Blaring.

Hugs Tightening.

Hearts Pumping.

Joy Overflowing.

Children Dancing.

Adults Shouting.

Orchestra Performing.

Angels Twirling.

Smiles Beaming.

Light Shining.

This happens when one, just one lost soul is redeemed by the saving grace of Jesus. Tonight we have celebrated 21 lost souls finding salvation through the blood of the Lamb!

O Glorious Day.

O Glorious Week.

O Glorious Savior.

*If you ever have questions, please comment or message me. I would love to share with you this life-changing, forever gaining, glorious beautiful Love that has saved my soul.  It's so simple. It's so loving. It's so grace.

Emergencies

Fast. Speedy. Quick. Swift. Rapid. Blistering.

Break-neck. Hurried. Supersonic.

All of those could you be used to describe parts of me.  I walk quickly. I drive fast. I talk hurriedly. I rush speedily. I even think swiftly.

I love movement. Long lines cause me to question my sanity. Slow retail service causes me to hyperventilate. Monotonous and pointless discussions confuse and frustrate me. I like figuring out the fastest way home. The quickest solution to a problem. The best grocery line to stand in.

 I’m always looking to save a second which leads to saving a minute, to an hour…etc, etc, etc…

And then the author of the book I’m reading wrote something that stopped me cold.

“Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting but it is not an emergency. Emergencies are sudden, unexpected events —

but is anything under the sun unexpected to God?”*

What? Life is not an emergency? Life does not have to be pursued at break-neck speed for fear that slowing down means losing life? What an entirely different approach. In fact, that changes the mindset of each of my every day’s.

I asked my husband last night, “What would you do if you knew you had 6 months to live?” He answered as most, if not all of us would. He talked about making the most of life and the moments left. He would take a dream-vacation with me and have significant conversations with friends and family. He would soak in the little bit of time left…. When he asked me what I would do- I had nothing else to add. He had summed it up. With knowledge of a fleeting life-span, I would savor the time with those I love and cherish rather than rush it.

As we kept talking I began to tear up- thoughts of 6 months left to live easily cause sadness... But also regret. Although the original question was hypothetical, the follow-up question my brain cornered me with was real….

“Why am I putting off those savored conversations and special memories??
Why don’t I live those moments now?”

James 4:14 tells us:

^“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?

You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

How is that different than being told by a doctor- “Your time is short”? Yet, just how differently would I live my life if a doctor uttered the exact same phrase to me that James does?  Vastly. 

Life would no longer be lived as an emergency- blasting from one event to the next, but it would be lived with steadfast determination. A choice of purpose and intentionality. Decisions to remember the moments and take advantage of them rather than moments taking advantage of me.

This same author points out:

“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.” *

Ouch. It feels like I was tangibly pricked. How many times have I rushed around in order to fit more “things”, more “memories,” more “to-do’s” in only to find myself exhausted and burned-out…leaving negative impressions instead of joyful memories.

I find myself doing that in more areas than I even realize. In desperate attempts to “enjoy life” and to “live life to the fullest” I began to fall into the trap of an emergency-filled life instead of a fleeting life. My fear of losing out on life will not magically add to my life. Quite the opposite actually.   I’m not losing anything by slowing down. I’m not missing out by taking a breath. I’m not forgoing memories by being at peace with the day-to-day activities, conversations, and work. Those are part of my life. God’s placement of me in this time, at this job, with these friends, and born into my family is intentional.

My every day’s are here to give me the fullest life God intended.  By rushing through them to get to the tomorrow’s, I’m rushing through my life, my memories, my joys.  

I’m learning to live today. And when tomorrow comes, to live then.

 As a Christ-follower...“This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there's this deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity.” *

*Author: Ann Voskamp

16 Years. 5 Reasons.

As I was thinking about topics to write about in March…

Something came up this weekend that reminded me how old I really am: a conversation with one of my oldest friends. She pointed out that we have been friends for 16 years. 16 years!!! That’s longer than some of you have been alive, and that’s shorter than some of you can even remember!
 I will say this- don’t let the freckles fool you- this body is aging fast. Receding gum lines, diminishing eyesight, selective hearing hearing aids… these are just a few of the things my poor husband has to deal with.

This got me to thinking back when Kristal and I were in junior high and high school, and that led me to a prayer of gratitude. Not only for Kristal’s friendship for so many years, but also for the fact that I am getting old. Why? Why would I be thankful for that absurd reality? Well, glad you asked my friend…glad you asked.

 1. I don’t have to check urban dictionary every day to make sure that I’m not accidentally saying something that will get me killed. Or fired.

Most of the people I communicate with on a daily basis have the same language I do... an “old” one, so we can all understand each other… and my boss.

However, recently, I told my husband that I was going to write something on my post, and an absolutely horrible look crossed his face and then he erupted into laughter. Evidently I didn’t know that  this particular phrase had changed TREMENDOUSLY in meaning since the last time I’d used it. Thankfully, my husband is a high school teacher and is up to speed on that stuff so he keeps me from getting killed by the younger generation.

 2. I don’t feel obligated to post a selfie of myself every Sunday.
#SelfieSunday did not exist 16 years ago. (Neither did smart phones.)

Some Sundays I don’t like the outfit I wore. Some Sundays are “I feel like I’ve gained 5 pounds” days. Some Sundays are “Oh wait, I have gained 5 pounds” days. Some Sundays my hair looks like I live in a city of 98% humidity… Oh wait, I do.

So guess what? I don’t post a selfie. I am free from the Instagram obligations of hashtag picture days. And for that I am eternally grateful. 

3. I experienced 2 of the world’s greatest superpowers:

 The Cosby Show and Whitney Houston.

Either one of those two phenomenon’s stopped people in their tracks.  It was as if they had the ability to freeze time because no one was able to do anything but be mesmerized when they were seen or heard.

I truly pity the younger generation- they only get to see re-runs and will never hear new recordings.

4. I know how to open a book.

Blogs, articles, online magazines and newspapers, and online books have taken over. Now I get that it is way more convenient to read books on a tablet of computer. I even do it myself. And clearly, I blog, so it’s a bit hypocritical for me to hate on blogging.

But at least I have the memories of my adolescent years…. The years where a book was something you held in your hand and it was not electronic. It was paper.

I remember what it meant to read a book. First you had to receive one, either through the library or a store. So, that, in and of itself, was an adventure. And then, with great respect and excitement, you would break that new book’s silence. You would hear the crack of the spine. And the thrill of adventure would hold you captive as you turned each page. Ahhhh. Bliss.

**If you weren’t a reader as a kid, you may not understand this one. But just trust me when I say you missed out. Big time.**
 

And last but not least:

5. Sometimes I can leave my phone at home and not feel like I’ve lost my soul.

I’ll be the first to say, most days, if I were to forget my phone, I would turn back around and go get it. However, there are some days, some activities, some dates with my husband, or conversations with my girlfriends that the phone stays home.

WHAT?!?!

But how will you know when someone re-tweets you? Tags you in a picture? Posts a status about the weather??? I don’t. Let me say that again- I don’t!!!!!!

There is something remarkably freeing in every once in a while only being with the person you are physically with- and not every Facebook friend, Twitter follower, Instagram follower, and LinkedIn professional in that smartphone of yours.

That is something that I hope will never change and something that I hope others learn.

It’s okay to be alone. Or alone with just one person…

Instead of one person physically but 500 electronically.

I can value face time without feeling like I’m missing out on the rest of the world.

So yes, world, as crazy as it is to admit this. I am fine with being “old”. Grateful even.  God put me here “for such a time as this” with a purpose that is His.

So wherever you are- whether 16 or 60 remember your childhood. Why are you grateful for the age that you are? Each of us have reasons, we just need to take the time to remember them.