The day I trusted human grace.

This has been a difficult season.  One consisting of way more downs than it has ups. Some of them far beyond my control, and yet some I formed with my own hands, words, or actions. The ones that are my own doing- well they bring a special sort of angst. If only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had said this instead of that. If only I had used my brain before I acted. If only I had thought about them before me.

If only… If only… If only.

I’m in an interesting place in my spiritual journey because I feel like I’m finally getting better at believing God forgives- the biggest and the “smallest” of sins... And realizing there is no such ranking in His eyes. I’m finally starting to quote Scripture to fight the enemy’s attack that I’ve messed up far too greatly and frequently for God to forgive. I’m finally starting to overcome that fear and live in the daily grace God gives.

Yet one day, not so long ago, the grace that God gives wasn’t quite enough. Not actually of course- we know God’s grace covers all.  But mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually, I needed human grace.  You see, I had sinned against a human. Not just God. My sinful words hadn’t only hurt God, they had hurt a dear friend. As God commands us to, I had asked forgiveness of Him and them, and had mercifully received it from both God and man. But…. 
I couldn’t believe in the human form of grace.  I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t trust that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I couldn’t show them the real depth of my sorrow. I couldn’t tell them enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t stop dwelling on it until they verbalized what I “just knew” they were actually thinking “You messed up big time. I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.”  Because that’s what I deserved.

When I had was exhausted from the mental sumo wrestling war with my self-condemnation, God’s grace showed up by letting me read Romans 8:6 in my quiet time. It says “For to set the mind on the flesh is death. But to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” In that moment, God whispered to me, “Holly, you are trusting their flesh. Instead, start trusting My Spirit inside of them.”

In that moment, I caught a glimpse of the freedom found in this truth.  A Christian brother or sister has the same Holy Spirit working in them as I have working in me. So then, just as I am commanded to forgive, even the vilest of offenses, so are they. When I am trusting in their flesh, their “natural” state, of course it brings death! Death of a friendship at the least!  Instead, I’m called to trust in something far greater. I am called to trust the Holy Spirit’s work in their life, and when I do that, then I am setting my mind on the Spirit…. And setting my mind on the Spirit brings life and peace.

So, I started being obedient. I started trusting the Spirit every time I wanted to trust the flesh.  You know what I discovered? It works.

I started believing in the human form of grace.  I started letting my past go. I started trusting that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I started to walk in the freedom of forgiveness. I started dwelling on my friend’s wonderful qualities instead of my inadequacies. I started forgiving others more freely. All because grace transforms.

As I was contemplating the peace that grace brings, I suddenly understood…. There are not two forms of grace- human and Divine: 

It’s all divine grace just like it’s all God’s forgiveness.  

He simply invites us partake.

I am insecure.

I am insecure.

It’s difficult to write those words, but even harder to admit them.

It’s not in every area. Probably not even in the areas you would expect.  It’s in the areas that I myself would not expect because there isn’t any reason for me to be uncertain in them. 

I came to this epiphany late one night rather recently. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with someone very close to me. It was truly a “light bulb” moment for me because in that quiet moment of reflection, I saw the conversation for what it really was:

A manipulative way for me to have my status of importance affirmed by someone else- someone whose approval meant a great deal to me.

It wasn’t an intentional manipulation- for most of us, it never is.  But it was manipulative nonetheless. As I realized the cold reality of my motivation in that conversation, I started to think back to other scenarios’ with other people, and to my chagrin and slight horror, I began to see a repetitive pattern that has thread its way through my relationships.

You see- despite being an introvert, I’m secure on most public fronts. I enjoy speaking in public. I usually have no problems voicing a dissenting opinion to a group.  Often, I roar as I’ve stated on this blog before.  So you can imagine my surprise when I came to terms with the fact that there is an entirely different side of me when it comes to my valuable people- family and friends.

It seems as though there are times where my roar struggles to come out as anything more than a whimper.

Sound familiar? I don’t know that I’m alone in the struggle.

The thread I saw weaving itself through my relationships look something like the following:

• Questions I ask that force someone else to either affirm their love for me or sound like a jerk.
• Conversations where I discuss how they’ve hurt me without allowing for or even caring for an explanation of their actions.  Much less a chance for them to explain how I’ve hurt them.
• Times that I have “tested” those I care about to see if they respond “correctly.”

As I reflected on the awkward position that I put my loved ones in at times, I realized that not only was insecurity running the show, but I also was being anything BUT loving in those moments- totally conflicting to my purpose of trying to feel more loved.

Some might remember a lesson I learned and shared a while back about how love should be fearless. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fear has not been perfected in love.”

When I put someone to the “test” to see if they genuinely care for me, I am giving them a reason to fear. The Greek root for the word “fear” in that verse has a meaning of “fleeing because feeling inadequate”.

Nobody enjoys having the friend that says every 5.4 seconds “I’m so ugly. You’re so pretty. I’m so fat. You’re so skinny. I’m so boring. You’re so cool.”

Why? It makes you want to flee! Her continual statements of self-doubt show you that no matter what you say, you can’t convince her otherwise…. Or in other words, you feel like fleeing because you are inadequate of changing her mind.

Ding-Ding-Ding. I Get It.

We all have continual doubts we battle and some of us then “test” with our loved ones. Doubts on whether or not:

• my best friend will love me through that mistake,
  
• I’m worth spending time with,
• my parents will forgive me no matter what,
• my siblings will accept my flaws,
• my husband will always love me- quirks and all,
• my friends still value my friendship even when hanging out with other friends,
• my beauty isn’t determined by the scale,
• my impact on others will be long-lasting,
• my mistake doesn’t change God’s love.

By showing our refusal to believe their words the first, second, hundredth, thousandth time(s), we are in essence telling them that they are unable to persuade us otherwise, and their promises are nice but worthless. Which of course would cause most people fearful that they will never change our minds! 

No wonder there is no place for fear in love! It destroys relationships!

So.  The new goal is to fight the urge to ask the manipulative question, while reminding myself that I love them enough to keep them from fearing me! But I would be lying if I didn’t also say that I know there will still be days when I need affirmation.

So on those days instead of testing the person I’m with so that when they answer correctly I feel better about myself, why don’t I own the security?

Hey- I know this is not true, but I’m really struggling with _________________ today. Will you pray for me?

Maybe instead of them judging me, they’ll pray with me. Maybe they’ll appreciate my honesty and feel like they can be honest back. Maybe they’ll remember that the next time they feel insecure, and they’ll have courage to own it too.

If each woman, young or old, starts owning her insecurities,
we just might find that we’re all more alike than we realize.

We just might find that someone else has battled and overcome the same security we are currently fighting.

We just might find that the insecurity doesn’t hold the same power over our mind when we’ve voiced it to someone else.

[After all, there is power in numbers.]

We just might find that we can give and receive love.

WithOUT Fear.

20 surprise lessons

Some things you expect to learn. Some things you don't.

  

1.    I am learning that learning never ends.

       2.    … that puppies are not logical.

   3.    … that changing me is a whole lot harder than changing him.

       4.    … some people will always know everything... 

and it's not worth bursting their bubble.   

5.    …  that if you’re not careful, you’ll cook the same meal
every night with a different side.

      6.    … that men don’t speak our language.  At all.

   7.    …that self-discipline is NOT as fun as laziness. But IS more rewarding.

       

 9.          … that cleanliness is subjective.

       10.  … that biting my tongue is much more difficult than 

speaking my mind.

11.     … that praying through a difficulty is more
 powerful than talking through it.

12.  … that whoever said “You’ll love eating healthy once you get used to it!” should be put in a padded room and strait-jacket.

13.     … that finding things to be thankful for on those “just curl up and cry” days is necessary but oh-so challenging.

   14.     … that to a puppy- my feet exist to be chew toys or pillows-  depending on her mood.

  15.  … that my reaction to others’ strengths and weaknesses is my responsibility.

  16.     … that friendship is worth chasing.

  17.     … that wearing high heels everyday might look great but is
  insanity defined.

18.     … that admitting weakness is possible. And helpful.

19.     … to change.

20.     … that chocolate chip cookies are the greatest peace offering ever given. For real- try it out.

But the greatest thing that I am learning is that the Great I AM is the one always doing the teaching. 

Perspectives.

Perspectives.

That word has been hounding my thoughts. I’ve heard it sung about on the radio. I’ve heard it dialogued about by friends. I’ve seen it pushed by commercials.  Perspectives define life as we know it. My perspective filters every single word, thought, action, and movement.

Several months back at a high school basketball game, all these dots began to connect. You see, I was, along with everyone else, cheering on the players and my team. And as all fans do, when the ref made a ridiculously absurd call, there I was yelling “Oh come on!!!” at the man in the striped shirt.

And then the flashback occurred.

You see, I had been in that man’s exact shoes a lifetime ago… I had the lived the horrifying tragedy of being a soccer referee for 4 miserably long years. I heard those exact words “Oh come on!!!” hurled at me more times than I can count. And each time made me cringe. Yet, here I was years later, doing the same thing to another poor soul. Immediate remorse ensued. In my head I started pouring compliments and apologies on the striped-shirt man. I was trying to penance my way out of the guilt.

In those moments, the irony of perspectives started to swirl in my head. For not only had I been a soccer ref, but I had also been a soccer player and a soccer spectator. I well remember the differences between the three perspectives. As the player, you see the action the closest, which at times is helpful but it’s always biased. You know when the ball was technically out of bounds, but rarely do you ever feel the need to be honest enough to tell the ref. 

Meanwhile, the spectator has an overall view of the whole field that the player never sees- the spectator feels the rise and fall of the game. They too suffer from bias however… their loyalty to their own side must come first.

The referee seemingly has the best view- he runs the whole field yet isn’t directly engaged in the play, so he has a much clearer understanding than the players. Yet, we expect the referee to see things perfectly on the field when there are 22 players swirling around him with voices shouting and balls flying. Perfection is not only improbable, it’s impossible.

In life, it seems as though we constantly rotate from being a player in a situation, to being a spectator of a friend’s life, to being asked to be a referee, whether with children, fighting friends, or giving unbiased advice.  Our reaction to each situation depends on our perspective or role that we hold in each.

When I was 14, I couldn’t understand why my parents would say I couldn’t date until I was 16… not that it mattered. No boys asked anyways, but that’s a different therapy blog post. Now as a spectator to other parents with 14 year old daughters, I totally understand their perspective. What a difference 10+ years makes!

When I’m watching my friends’ life fall apart, my perspective allows me to see more options than hers because it’s not my “game”. When I’m breaking up a fight between my friends’, what I call as out of line will be different than what they agree with.

I’m realizing, perspectives between people will never be identical.

Yet how much I want them to be.

I get frustrated with my coworker for having a different approach to a situation. I get annoyed when my husband doesn't agree 1,000% with my arguments. I think store policies are idiotic when I don’t get to exchange something on my own terms. I can spot 122 ways the mom is exhibiting poor parenting with the screaming child in Walmart. I think my parents are living in the Stone Age when they decide to keep their old phones instead of upgrading to the newest model. I think my friend is crazy for hanging out with that group of kids from school. I think my Sunday school teacher is fanatical when he challenged us to share our faith to our neighbors. I think my teacher is way too hard when she doesn’t let me make-up my make-up homework.

Life is so much easier… simpler… better when we all agree.  when everyone else agrees with me. with my perspective.

Life is so much better when everyone else agrees with my perspective.

That’s what I would never admit but often believe.

But I’m learning to change that.  A little bit every day.

A different perspective has opened my eyes to so much…

Beauty in areas I’ve never noticed before.

Laughter with people I’d never been friends with before.

Confidence in abilities I didn’t trust in before.

Characteristics in family I hadn’t appreciated before.

Ideas I’d never considered before.

Changes I wouldn’t have made before.

A whole way of life that I wouldn’t have experienced before…

Emergencies

Fast. Speedy. Quick. Swift. Rapid. Blistering.

Break-neck. Hurried. Supersonic.

All of those could you be used to describe parts of me.  I walk quickly. I drive fast. I talk hurriedly. I rush speedily. I even think swiftly.

I love movement. Long lines cause me to question my sanity. Slow retail service causes me to hyperventilate. Monotonous and pointless discussions confuse and frustrate me. I like figuring out the fastest way home. The quickest solution to a problem. The best grocery line to stand in.

 I’m always looking to save a second which leads to saving a minute, to an hour…etc, etc, etc…

And then the author of the book I’m reading wrote something that stopped me cold.

“Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting but it is not an emergency. Emergencies are sudden, unexpected events —

but is anything under the sun unexpected to God?”*

What? Life is not an emergency? Life does not have to be pursued at break-neck speed for fear that slowing down means losing life? What an entirely different approach. In fact, that changes the mindset of each of my every day’s.

I asked my husband last night, “What would you do if you knew you had 6 months to live?” He answered as most, if not all of us would. He talked about making the most of life and the moments left. He would take a dream-vacation with me and have significant conversations with friends and family. He would soak in the little bit of time left…. When he asked me what I would do- I had nothing else to add. He had summed it up. With knowledge of a fleeting life-span, I would savor the time with those I love and cherish rather than rush it.

As we kept talking I began to tear up- thoughts of 6 months left to live easily cause sadness... But also regret. Although the original question was hypothetical, the follow-up question my brain cornered me with was real….

“Why am I putting off those savored conversations and special memories??
Why don’t I live those moments now?”

James 4:14 tells us:

^“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?

You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

How is that different than being told by a doctor- “Your time is short”? Yet, just how differently would I live my life if a doctor uttered the exact same phrase to me that James does?  Vastly. 

Life would no longer be lived as an emergency- blasting from one event to the next, but it would be lived with steadfast determination. A choice of purpose and intentionality. Decisions to remember the moments and take advantage of them rather than moments taking advantage of me.

This same author points out:

“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.” *

Ouch. It feels like I was tangibly pricked. How many times have I rushed around in order to fit more “things”, more “memories,” more “to-do’s” in only to find myself exhausted and burned-out…leaving negative impressions instead of joyful memories.

I find myself doing that in more areas than I even realize. In desperate attempts to “enjoy life” and to “live life to the fullest” I began to fall into the trap of an emergency-filled life instead of a fleeting life. My fear of losing out on life will not magically add to my life. Quite the opposite actually.   I’m not losing anything by slowing down. I’m not missing out by taking a breath. I’m not forgoing memories by being at peace with the day-to-day activities, conversations, and work. Those are part of my life. God’s placement of me in this time, at this job, with these friends, and born into my family is intentional.

My every day’s are here to give me the fullest life God intended.  By rushing through them to get to the tomorrow’s, I’m rushing through my life, my memories, my joys.  

I’m learning to live today. And when tomorrow comes, to live then.

 As a Christ-follower...“This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there's this deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity.” *

*Author: Ann Voskamp