7 Thoughts of a Woman During a Marital Fight

Sometimes you fight in marriage {or life}.  There are some things that you just never ever think, say, or do in the heat of the battle- despite what romantic comedies, Pinterest, or any other romantic notion you had as a 17-year-old girl tells you. BUT there are also things that you typically always think, say, or do in the midst of the battle.

For women, those two extreme reactions often happen back to back.  In the same fight.

So to close out the Love Month, here’s a chronologically- ordered tribute to fighting with your spouse.

1. Do NOT even THINK about kissing me right now.

All those scenes in movies where a couple decides to forget everything they are intensely arguing about and suddenly start showing copious amounts of affection is FALSE.  I’m pretty sure I’ve literally thought: “I would be so mad if he tried to kiss me right now. Clearly the screen writers of those scenes have NEVER been in a serious relationship.”

3.7 seconds later…

2. All I want is a HUG right now. Why won’t he just hug me?

Forget about the fact that my previous point was do not even think about kissing me- I don’t understand why it’s so confusing that sometimes I just need a hug? Clearly the look on my face is screaming “I need physical touch- but only in this very specific and exact way!”

4.2 seconds later…

3.  How can he joke at a time like this? Does he not know we are in the middle of a FIGHT?

There is absolutely nothing funny enough to deserve a smile right now, much less a laugh. I guess that shows how trivial this is to him.  So now we’re just fighting for laughs…. I see how it is. ….  Actually… what are we fighting about again? Shoot. I can’t let him know that I forgot why I’m mad.

2.6 seconds later…

4. Why won’t he laugh at my joke? Does he not know that I’m trying to lighten the mood?

Goodness, he’s certainly in a very dark place right now. He can’t even smile.  I guess me poking fun wasn’t what he wanted to hear {never mind it was at him}.  Last time we fought, he said he tries to make jokes to lighten the mood. But when I do it, it just worsens the mood.  He needs to make up his mind!

7.9 seconds later….

5. I just want him to understand what I’m really saying.

Let’s be real, if he actually understood me, he would agree with me. How can you hear my arguments and not see the validity in my points? He clearly isn’t listening.  Maybe I should repeat myself again- to the 10^th power.

Literally 1 second later…

6. Is he pacifying me?
I don’t want him to just agree with me! Why won’t he tell me what he’s really thinking? He knows he can disagree with me and that I value his opinion.

And then to finish the fight…

7. Why doesn’t he apologize? I just said nothing was wrong!!!

I really don’t understand why men think women are that complicated… 

The Day I Murdered My Friend

I’ll never forget the night I was talking with my friend about her upcoming deadlines and projects. As she was telling me her plans, I responded with something like, “Well that was dumb planning. You know you never get through things as fast as you think you will.”

As soon as the words finished charging out of my mouth, I could see her expression change into one of surprise, hurt, and then deep disappointment.

I tried to back-pedal as my mind frantically searched for new words that could replace the horrible ones that I had just uttered. But, as we all know, once words are spoken, there are no take-backs. It was as if I had just taken a shot at my friend and now I was trying to put the bullet back in the gun. Useless and absurd.

The conversation died after that. And a little part of our friendship did too. 

All because of my words.

A particular proverb in the Bible is hauntingly accurate on this topic:

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  Proverbs 18:21

The past few weeks I’ve been reminded of the cold brutality- the murder- that words bring.

The murder of hopes and dreams:

No …..   |   You can’t….

The murder of relationships:

You never…. |  You always ….

The murder of our self-confidence:

Did you really think… |   You’re not….  

If I asked you if you could think of a time that you were deeply hurt by words, you could probably think of numerous times within mere seconds. Why? Because Solomon had it right when he said: The words of the reckless pierce like swords… Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally, mentally, or psychologically. We all know that childhood saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” isn’t true. If we were being honest with kids, we would teach them:  “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will end up killing me!”

However deadly as words can be, here is the paradox. Words also bring life.

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  Proverbs 18:21

The words of the reckless pierce like swords but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Why don’t we let that sink in- what exactly our words can bring.

 Healing… Joy… Smiles… Laughter… Forgiveness… Courage…  Life.

My words can inspire in the same areas they used to kill.

The inspiration of hopes and dreams:

 You can …   |   Yes…

The inspiration of relationships:

I care…  |  I love…    |   I appreciate…    |   I forgive…   

The inspiration of confidence:

I’m proud…   |   I trust… 

So, in closing, let me ask you the same question that I had to wrestle with-

Which side of the verse do you land? Are you speaking death or life?

Or to put it more realistically:

Are you a word-murderer?

Regardless of whatever you think the answer is, listen to yourself speak the next few days to your husband, your child, your friend.  If you will honestly weigh the words against the Biblical standard, you will see where your words fall.  But fear not if you’re a word-murderer like me, God can change us.  Read His life-giving words to us:

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.* {Furthermore} Nothing can separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life {or the words we speak}… neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow… indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.** And I {Jesus} will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you.  He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. …  But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.

*1 John 1:9 **Romans 8:38-39 *** John 14:16-17

God can resurrect your deadly mouth into a life-giving one. After all, resurrection is His specialty.

Depinned: Why #Flawless Creates Flaws

Flawless.

It’s everywhere.  

 Between Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest,
I can’t get away from these phrases:

| Girl- you’re flawless. | I woke up like this. #flawless | 

| You’re so pretty. You’re perf! |

There are over 6 million hashtags on Instagram for flawless. Over 2 million for perf. Over 35 million for perfection.

So, for week two of Pinterest De-pinned, we're looking at Flawless.

I'm not even starting on the whole concept that “God is the only flawless and perfect being in existence,” because that's longer than a blog. So let’s look at the practicality of what this compliment actually does to a woman.

So let’s say someone comments on an Insta pic of mine: Flawless!

Here’s what that does to me:

          1) makes me smile. 

AND then helps me think a literally impossible standard of beauty is actually achievable. #doomedforfailure

          2) makes me look at my picture again.

AND then causes me to scrutinize it for the 37^th time. Which leads to either an arrogant view of myself, or, the more probable version, leads me to raise my standards for myself and the future pics that I will post. If people think I’m that pretty… that means future pictures must measure up.

#mustkeepup

          3) makes me remember what the picture looked like without the filter. 

AND then Am I as pretty without the filter? Maybe… Who am I kidding? No. Look at my skin tones. My zits. My big nose. I wonder if I’ll ever like a natural (no filter) picture of myself again. #notflawlessbutdon’ttell

Here’s what it does to the friend:

          1) she’s so beautiful! #idon’tlooklikethat

          2) I’ll never look like that! #whyherandnotme? 

          3) If only I my _________ was smaller. #flawed

          4) Girl- you’re so #perf. #jealous

And the random girl reading the comments:

         1) She has a ton of likes! #i’veneverhadsomany

2) I don’t know if I’d call her flawless…. Her nose is a little small. Her eyes a little big. (Criticism begins….most likely a defense mechanism to keep herself from feeling horrible about herself and her appearance.) #she’sprettynotbeautiful

OR

2)  Yeah, I mean look at her. She is gorgeous. I’ll never have those eyes or that nose. #somegirlshaveitall

3) I’ll comment too-  “tbh we don’t know each other but you’re perf!” #jealous

So to summarize #flawless creates:

For the girl: #doomedforfailure #mustkeepup #notflawlessbutdon’ttell

For the friend: #idon’tlooklikethat #whyherandnotme? #flawed #jealous

For the reader:  #i’veneverhadsomany  #she’sprettynotbeautiful  #somegirlshaveitall #jealous

So #flawless creates all sorts of self-doubts and scrutiny into our flaws. Hmmm....

Question: Can we go back to the reality that each of us has flaws?  No one is physically perfect without Photoshop, and even then that’s subjective.  To continually tell each other that we are flawless is only pitting us against a standard that we will always lose to. 

I’m not saying don’t compliment! I’m saying compliment in a way that doesn’t create or add to pre-existing notions of perfectionism or the idol of beauty in so many of our girls’, even our own lives.

True beauty is real. It’s walked through the difficulties of day to day living and rises the next morning to do it again. True beauty involves a character that is loving and an integrity that is spotless. True beauty brings laughter and love to lonely hearts.  True beauty doesn’t have so much to do with the size of the eyes as the size of the heart. True beauty is my Savior’s love flowing through me.

Women and girls: May we learn to compliment sincerely.  Love without jealousy. And look without coveting.

#celebratedifferences #acceptflaws #commendtruebeauty

What do you think? Has #flawless ever created more hurt or more awareness to flaws with you?

Pinterest De-pinned.

Every woman I know has a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. Why? Because you love all the amazing ideas you find…. Like Reese’s Chocolate Pie… or Caramel stuffed Apples with ice cream on top….

But you hate it for the complete and total level of impossibility that lies within it’s scrolling borders.

You think that Ryan Gosling actually counted you twice?

So I present to you: Pinterest De-Pinned. 
 As I stumble upon what I believe to be completely ludicrous pins, I will do my best to de-pin them from your Pinterest boards. And minds everywhere.

Today I want to start with this gem:

This is completely false.  We’re talking 1,000% false.   How do I know? I’m a woman!!!!

(If that’s not good enough for you, we’ve got a whole different issue to work on!)

Now don’t get me wrong, the only man that matters to me is my husband, and in that one sense the board is true. BUT- I haven’t always been married. And even as a married woman, words can still affect me.

If this pinned statement were true:

• Then the number of affairs would be drastically LESS.  How many women have strayed because a man other than her husband started complimenting her?  Her hearing the words led to her believing the words which led to her thinking about the words… and on and on it goes….
• Then the number of bad relationships would be drastically LESS.   How many girls have dated the wrong guy| the bad guy|the abusive guy because it started with compliments like “You are so beautiful…” ?

Words impact. To say that impact is profound is accurate. To say life-long is no exaggeration.  To say it affects us is truth.

So brothers, fathers, cousins, friends, with all that I have in me, 
I beg you: Consider your words carefully. 
Consider the woman receiving your compliments even more so.

To the fathers and brothers:

Do your job.  Love your girl. Praise her. Let her know that she has a beauty that is pronounced and noticeable. Give her the compliments that other men should not be. Or not yet at least.  Let her know that her shape is lovely and her face is gorgeous.  If those words intimidate you, practice on your wife. She’ll love you for it.

To the male friends of girls:

Do YOUR job.  Watch your words.  Your job is to build up your friend as a sister… But that is still a different relationship than a biological sibling. Because you are not related to her, your words carry a different weight. Continual deep compliments will not help your friendship; it will only complicate it for you both.

Although it doesn’t seem like a big deal, it is. Because at some point, your compliments will lead to thoughts which lead to questions…. And then eventually you will like her or she will like you. And it will get awkward or worse… one of you will be hurt.

So please, encourage, and yes, even compliment her- but within appropriate boundaries and using appropriate words. She needs to know she’s valued but she shouldn’t feel pursued when you’re not actually giving chase.

To women:

We must guard our hearts and our minds. Yes, we’ve heard that. But for many of us, we haven’t lived it.

When the wrong guy is saying all the right things, you must learn to forget the compliment and leave the guy. 

Here’s the last point I have to make before I close. And this one is so passionately part of me, that I wish I could have started with it. Men- this also means the reverse is true.

All the times you tell her she isn’t beautiful-
that hurts twice as deep.

You have probably never said those words: “You’re not beautiful.” But you’ve possibly said it in other ways:

“You certainly got a butt on you!”

“Your thighs are like tree trunks!”

 “You’ve put on weight since last time I saw you!”

“No guy would ever want to date you….. I’m just playin, just playin!”

Or maybe you know better than to joke like that, but maybe you don’t know that it’s equally hard to hear men|boys|friends talk about how beautiful OTHER girls are. Or celebrities that are literally impossible (apart from plastic surgery, Photoshop, and private trainers) to look like.

Husbands|Fathers: Know that for you, this quote is true. When she knows you find her beautiful, she is a woman on top of the world.

Girls: 

You are Beautiful. You don’t need a million men to tell you that. Your heavenly Father already has. And the man you will marry will remind you of that… for the rest of your life.

Man Truths

I’ve been married  1 year, 1 month and 1 day.  

  

And in that 1 year, 1 month and 1 day, I have found that there is truth to what older wiser women told me about men. Truth that I didn’t realize would save me some MAJOR confusion in marriage (or friendships) if I would have simply trusted their words. But today, sisters, today I believe them…which is consequently transforming the way I approach relationships.

Here are the 3 Man Truths that have been confirmed in my world. I’d love to hear in the comments below if they’ve been confirmed in yours.

#1 Hints are worthless. All of them.  E.V.E.R.Y. time.

Girls, we have all heard it. And yet, we’ve all devoured enough chick flicks, and read enough Nicholas Sparks novels that we choose to believe the fiction over the facts.  Fiction tells us that the majority of men naturally pick up the ability to read your mind while simultaneously ignoring your words (if needed).

For example, when we say:

“I think it’s so sweet when men buy jewelry for their girls…  Oh my! You know, that necklace would go perfect with my leopard-print dress! It’s soooooooooooo beautiful!!! I wish I had it!”

We feel as those are practically screaming “Buy me the necklace- it will show me you love me!!!! I WANT THE NECKLACE!!!!!!”

What he hears: “She must really like the necklace… “

Some men might also add on to that thought:  If she likes it that much, she should just buy it.

So what happens? He says that to his girl, excited that he’s picked up on something… and is shocked when she bursts into tears exclaiming “Oh, you just don’t get it!” and proceeds to tell him she feels like he doesn’t care about her. He’s left shaking his head wondering:
“If she liked the necklace so much, why would buying it make her so mad? Where did that backfire???”

Final conclusion: Hints are worthless.

#2 You must give them “conversation codes”.

Here’s something else that we’ve all heard: Boys hear a problem and want to fix it, but girls just want boys to listen.

Well we’ve all heard it because guess what- it’s true!!! When I tell Aaron a problem, his mind naturally and instantly processes: “If I solve this problem, my wife will be happy again. Let me solve this problem.”

Which, in all reality, makes sense when we look at it “logically” like a guy does. But why in the world would we do that?!?! We’re girls! In the midst of heartache, very rarely do we want logic!

So, I’ve learned to help us both be “successful” in getting what we want, I now tell Aaron the code to success at the beginning:  “Babe, this is a conversation that I need you to listen. And after you listen, I need you to reaffirm me.”

He now knows- “The solution in this instance to making my wife happy is not solving her problems it’s encouraging her.” 

Now, he probably is thinking – “She’s crazy. If she would just let me solve the problem, we wouldn’t have to have this same conversation 5 times.” But, he’s a sweet man, and keeps that thought to himself. Most of the time. ;)

In the end, the code solves both our problems! He’s happy because he’s not upsetting me further, and I’m happy because he’s not being logical when I need emotional!

#3 Avoid using “fine.” It only destroys conversations.

I will admit- I’m 100% stereotypical female in this particular way. I use “Fine” when I’m not actually fine.

But here’s my perfectly logical reasoning to why I say “fine” when I’m not….

1) I’m actually really annoyed, but I need to calm myself down before I tell you that I’m annoyed because then I’ll overreact.

2) I’m overreacting and I know I’m overreacting, and so I’m saying that I’m fine because it should be true, and it will be true, it’s just not true at this exact moment.

3) It’s fine. It’s not awful; it’s not great… it’s f.i.n.e.

So those make total sense right? Evidently to a man, not at all.  Here’s what a man hears…or so I’ve been told.

1) She’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is “fine”.

2) She’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is “fine”.

3) Why would she say it’s fine if she’s not pleased with it? Shouldn’t saying “fine” actually mean that she finds it acceptable?..... So if she’s not pleased but says she is… she’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is actually an acceptable form of “fine”.

Whoa. Major differences in thought processes. And I must admit, when my eyes were opened to the fact that men feel like they are being lied to and then forced to figure out on their own why we are so unhappy… is it any wonder that they get so frustrated with that answer?

Now, in our defense ladies, our intent behind “fine” most of the time is actually a good thing!! But I’m learning that for some men- they would rather have the emotional, sometimes illogical, sometimes very upset truth, then to be left in the dark as to what is actually going on.

So there’s my recently learned Man Truths! I’m with you sisters- it would be SO MUCH EASIER if men could just get with the program and read the female brain. But in the meantime, it’s all fine right?!?! ;)

 Please- if you have more to add- share below!!!

20 surprise lessons

Some things you expect to learn. Some things you don't.

  

1.    I am learning that learning never ends.

       2.    … that puppies are not logical.

   3.    … that changing me is a whole lot harder than changing him.

       4.    … some people will always know everything... 

and it's not worth bursting their bubble.   

5.    …  that if you’re not careful, you’ll cook the same meal
every night with a different side.

      6.    … that men don’t speak our language.  At all.

   7.    …that self-discipline is NOT as fun as laziness. But IS more rewarding.

       

 9.          … that cleanliness is subjective.

       10.  … that biting my tongue is much more difficult than 

speaking my mind.

11.     … that praying through a difficulty is more
 powerful than talking through it.

12.  … that whoever said “You’ll love eating healthy once you get used to it!” should be put in a padded room and strait-jacket.

13.     … that finding things to be thankful for on those “just curl up and cry” days is necessary but oh-so challenging.

   14.     … that to a puppy- my feet exist to be chew toys or pillows-  depending on her mood.

  15.  … that my reaction to others’ strengths and weaknesses is my responsibility.

  16.     … that friendship is worth chasing.

  17.     … that wearing high heels everyday might look great but is
  insanity defined.

18.     … that admitting weakness is possible. And helpful.

19.     … to change.

20.     … that chocolate chip cookies are the greatest peace offering ever given. For real- try it out.

But the greatest thing that I am learning is that the Great I AM is the one always doing the teaching.