The day I trusted human grace.

This has been a difficult season.  One consisting of way more downs than it has ups. Some of them far beyond my control, and yet some I formed with my own hands, words, or actions. The ones that are my own doing- well they bring a special sort of angst. If only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had said this instead of that. If only I had used my brain before I acted. If only I had thought about them before me.

If only… If only… If only.

I’m in an interesting place in my spiritual journey because I feel like I’m finally getting better at believing God forgives- the biggest and the “smallest” of sins... And realizing there is no such ranking in His eyes. I’m finally starting to quote Scripture to fight the enemy’s attack that I’ve messed up far too greatly and frequently for God to forgive. I’m finally starting to overcome that fear and live in the daily grace God gives.

Yet one day, not so long ago, the grace that God gives wasn’t quite enough. Not actually of course- we know God’s grace covers all.  But mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually, I needed human grace.  You see, I had sinned against a human. Not just God. My sinful words hadn’t only hurt God, they had hurt a dear friend. As God commands us to, I had asked forgiveness of Him and them, and had mercifully received it from both God and man. But…. 
I couldn’t believe in the human form of grace.  I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t trust that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I couldn’t show them the real depth of my sorrow. I couldn’t tell them enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t stop dwelling on it until they verbalized what I “just knew” they were actually thinking “You messed up big time. I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.”  Because that’s what I deserved.

When I had was exhausted from the mental sumo wrestling war with my self-condemnation, God’s grace showed up by letting me read Romans 8:6 in my quiet time. It says “For to set the mind on the flesh is death. But to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” In that moment, God whispered to me, “Holly, you are trusting their flesh. Instead, start trusting My Spirit inside of them.”

In that moment, I caught a glimpse of the freedom found in this truth.  A Christian brother or sister has the same Holy Spirit working in them as I have working in me. So then, just as I am commanded to forgive, even the vilest of offenses, so are they. When I am trusting in their flesh, their “natural” state, of course it brings death! Death of a friendship at the least!  Instead, I’m called to trust in something far greater. I am called to trust the Holy Spirit’s work in their life, and when I do that, then I am setting my mind on the Spirit…. And setting my mind on the Spirit brings life and peace.

So, I started being obedient. I started trusting the Spirit every time I wanted to trust the flesh.  You know what I discovered? It works.

I started believing in the human form of grace.  I started letting my past go. I started trusting that a person meant the words “I forgive you.”  I started to walk in the freedom of forgiveness. I started dwelling on my friend’s wonderful qualities instead of my inadequacies. I started forgiving others more freely. All because grace transforms.

As I was contemplating the peace that grace brings, I suddenly understood…. There are not two forms of grace- human and Divine: 

It’s all divine grace just like it’s all God’s forgiveness.  

He simply invites us partake.

Pinterest De-pinned.

Every woman I know has a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. Why? Because you love all the amazing ideas you find…. Like Reese’s Chocolate Pie… or Caramel stuffed Apples with ice cream on top….

But you hate it for the complete and total level of impossibility that lies within it’s scrolling borders.

You think that Ryan Gosling actually counted you twice?

So I present to you: Pinterest De-Pinned. 
 As I stumble upon what I believe to be completely ludicrous pins, I will do my best to de-pin them from your Pinterest boards. And minds everywhere.

Today I want to start with this gem:

This is completely false.  We’re talking 1,000% false.   How do I know? I’m a woman!!!!

(If that’s not good enough for you, we’ve got a whole different issue to work on!)

Now don’t get me wrong, the only man that matters to me is my husband, and in that one sense the board is true. BUT- I haven’t always been married. And even as a married woman, words can still affect me.

If this pinned statement were true:

• Then the number of affairs would be drastically LESS.  How many women have strayed because a man other than her husband started complimenting her?  Her hearing the words led to her believing the words which led to her thinking about the words… and on and on it goes….
• Then the number of bad relationships would be drastically LESS.   How many girls have dated the wrong guy| the bad guy|the abusive guy because it started with compliments like “You are so beautiful…” ?

Words impact. To say that impact is profound is accurate. To say life-long is no exaggeration.  To say it affects us is truth.

So brothers, fathers, cousins, friends, with all that I have in me, 
I beg you: Consider your words carefully. 
Consider the woman receiving your compliments even more so.

To the fathers and brothers:

Do your job.  Love your girl. Praise her. Let her know that she has a beauty that is pronounced and noticeable. Give her the compliments that other men should not be. Or not yet at least.  Let her know that her shape is lovely and her face is gorgeous.  If those words intimidate you, practice on your wife. She’ll love you for it.

To the male friends of girls:

Do YOUR job.  Watch your words.  Your job is to build up your friend as a sister… But that is still a different relationship than a biological sibling. Because you are not related to her, your words carry a different weight. Continual deep compliments will not help your friendship; it will only complicate it for you both.

Although it doesn’t seem like a big deal, it is. Because at some point, your compliments will lead to thoughts which lead to questions…. And then eventually you will like her or she will like you. And it will get awkward or worse… one of you will be hurt.

So please, encourage, and yes, even compliment her- but within appropriate boundaries and using appropriate words. She needs to know she’s valued but she shouldn’t feel pursued when you’re not actually giving chase.

To women:

We must guard our hearts and our minds. Yes, we’ve heard that. But for many of us, we haven’t lived it.

When the wrong guy is saying all the right things, you must learn to forget the compliment and leave the guy. 

Here’s the last point I have to make before I close. And this one is so passionately part of me, that I wish I could have started with it. Men- this also means the reverse is true.

All the times you tell her she isn’t beautiful-
that hurts twice as deep.

You have probably never said those words: “You’re not beautiful.” But you’ve possibly said it in other ways:

“You certainly got a butt on you!”

“Your thighs are like tree trunks!”

 “You’ve put on weight since last time I saw you!”

“No guy would ever want to date you….. I’m just playin, just playin!”

Or maybe you know better than to joke like that, but maybe you don’t know that it’s equally hard to hear men|boys|friends talk about how beautiful OTHER girls are. Or celebrities that are literally impossible (apart from plastic surgery, Photoshop, and private trainers) to look like.

Husbands|Fathers: Know that for you, this quote is true. When she knows you find her beautiful, she is a woman on top of the world.

Girls: 

You are Beautiful. You don’t need a million men to tell you that. Your heavenly Father already has. And the man you will marry will remind you of that… for the rest of your life.

Pots, Pans & Meltdowns

Sometimes.  A lot of times, I am overwhelmed.

Sometimes it’s for great reasons…. Like having a project due for work and a really difficult deadline.  Sometimes it’s for not great reasons…. Like the time when Aaron and I were engaged and working on our registry, and in the middle of the cookware section at the store, I had a total meltdown.

Yes… the cookware section. Somehow the thought of choosing pots and pans was a million miles beyond my mental capacity.  I remember words coming out of my mouth that went something like this… “But everyone who ever comes to our home will judge me based on which pan I’m cooking with…”  Aaron also tells me that I was under the belief that picking the right cookware was the foundation for our marriage. Surely he’s mixing me up with another crazy overwhelmed bride walking through the aisles that day…right???

I only wish I was making that story up.

But the fact is regardless of whether the “I feel like I’m drowning” sensations are coming from making earth-shattering decisions like the purchase of the right soup pot, or whether they are coming from juggling 7 AP classes, extra-curricular activities, and church involvement, the fact is no one wants to feel like they’re drowning. Ever.  Not in the ocean and not on dry land.

Here are some things that I learned the hard way… maybe they can save you from the cookware meltdown 3 months before your wedding.

1. Admit you’re drowning.

I thought if I can just push through it, no one will notice that I’m struggling, and I’ll convince myself that all this is pathetic and silly.

Yeah… NO, YOU WON’T. NO, YOU WON’T. NO, YOU WON’T.

People will notice- at least the people close to you- because a) your tears are not invisible OR if you’re not a crier b) you biting their heads off over something simple will be a major hint.

The fact is even if the situation is pathetic and silly… like the belief that cookware is the foundation of my marriage… in that moment, you are “drowning” because of everything else going on in your life.  Drowning people are rarely able to think logically.  It’s better to admit you’re sinking so you can accept help, than to continue flailing around the ocean of your tears without the ability to make it to “shore.”

2. Realize that help might come in a form that you don’t like.

It’s not going to work if you realize you are completely overwhelmed but you reject all plans, ideas, and avenues suggested for helping you get to back to a state of equilibrium.  We must listen to our mentors, parents, spouses, friends’ wisdom in this area.

Chances are, you aren’t going to like the path to normalcy. Why? Because we overloaded ourselves which is why we now feel like we are sinking. So, if we were all right with over-burdening our lives to get to the point of drowning, it’s going to be very difficult to admit that we need to UN-burden our lives by removing some of the very things we added to them to begin with.

Basically, if you put 15 activities on your schedule, the way to stop drowning might be to remove 7 of those 15 off your schedule. But who likes to go back and admit they can’t do everything? Certainly not this red-head!

But we have to. Or we drown. I have to. Or I drown.

Sometimes, however, it’s not that we over-burdened ourselves; we only have 2 things on our plate to begin with…  Maybe it’s that there are other unresolved issues we need to face. Some of us might need to go to counseling to work through it. Some of us might need to talk to a doctor because it’s a medical issue. Some of us should talk to a pastor because it’s a spiritual burden.

Bottom line: Be open to the reality that help won’t always look the same for each person.

3. Accept help.

I remember at our wedding rehearsal, I was struggling.  I was emotional, exhausted, excited, and stressed. So guess what happened? Yes… tears started cascading down. Looking back, maybe I should have reminded myself that we picked really good cookware! J

Aaron stepped in and took over. He directed the rehearsal; he told the group to ask him or my mom questions but to leave me alone. He and my mother salvaged and directed the next couple of hours. 

Now, honestly, part of me was so incredibly thankful. The other part of me was slightly humiliated. Why couldn’t I handle my own wedding rehearsal? How ridiculous must everyone think I am??

But you know what? Aaron wasn’t judging me because I was Niagara Falls. My mom didn’t pull me aside and tell me to pull myself together because I was the bride. Our guests didn’t heckle me as I entered the auditorium. No, instead my fiancé and family helped me in the best possible way- they took the pressure off of me and onto them.  Our friends and extended family either didn’t notice or were kind enough to not tell me they did… the evening continued and was a success.

Sometimes that is exactly what we need: to humble ourselves and accept the help.

There’s no shame in being a human.

We all have our weak moments, so thank the Lord that He gave us friends and loved ones to step in and support us.

I know I’m always grateful when a friend or loved one is honest enough to be transparent and vulnerable with me. Not that I’m glad they’re overwhelmed, but I’m glad they trusted me enough to help them, encourage them, or just listen to them.

Shouldn’t I extend that same trust when I’m the one drowning?

Maybe if I would, that would prevent another break-down… this time in the silverware aisle. 

20 surprise lessons

Some things you expect to learn. Some things you don't.

  

1.    I am learning that learning never ends.

       2.    … that puppies are not logical.

   3.    … that changing me is a whole lot harder than changing him.

       4.    … some people will always know everything... 

and it's not worth bursting their bubble.   

5.    …  that if you’re not careful, you’ll cook the same meal
every night with a different side.

      6.    … that men don’t speak our language.  At all.

   7.    …that self-discipline is NOT as fun as laziness. But IS more rewarding.

       

 9.          … that cleanliness is subjective.

       10.  … that biting my tongue is much more difficult than 

speaking my mind.

11.     … that praying through a difficulty is more
 powerful than talking through it.

12.  … that whoever said “You’ll love eating healthy once you get used to it!” should be put in a padded room and strait-jacket.

13.     … that finding things to be thankful for on those “just curl up and cry” days is necessary but oh-so challenging.

   14.     … that to a puppy- my feet exist to be chew toys or pillows-  depending on her mood.

  15.  … that my reaction to others’ strengths and weaknesses is my responsibility.

  16.     … that friendship is worth chasing.

  17.     … that wearing high heels everyday might look great but is
  insanity defined.

18.     … that admitting weakness is possible. And helpful.

19.     … to change.

20.     … that chocolate chip cookies are the greatest peace offering ever given. For real- try it out.

But the greatest thing that I am learning is that the Great I AM is the one always doing the teaching. 

Selfie Much?

ˈselfē/

noun

informal

noun: selfie; plural noun: selfies; noun: selfy

A photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website.

The selfie craze can hardly be considered new, and yet, this weekend, it hit an all-time low for me. And by “low” I actually mean, “I almost pulled the “mom card” and went up to random students at a concert and told them to put their phone away because every person around them was contemplating how to best punch each of them in the face while simultaneously breaking their phones.”

(I thought “low” sounded better for the blog.)

Here’s the context:

My husband bought tickets to the Needtobreathe concert (SO incredible!) and so we, like the rest of normal technology-savvy adults, arrived at the venue and took our selfie of the night (to the right) and then put our phones away. I tell you that so you can understand, I take selfies. I enjoy selfies. I am a somewhat-normal selfie-er.

BUT then along came the students. About ¾ of the way through the concert, the group of 10 high school students standing near us, evidently decided that the money that they paid for attending and listening to an incredible band was better served by taking selfies. Then deleting the selfies because they didn’t look perfect. And re-taking them. Then deleting the re-takes because a boy in their group photo-bombed the re-takes, and taking another one. And so forth, and so forth and so forth. 

I get it; they want to document the night. But do they need to document the night in the same pose or one rotated left by 3 degrees 14 times over?!? AND do they need to document the night in the middle of the concert when the lead singer is being surprisingly transparent about a difficult family situation that caused heartache, and going on to perform the song as an acoustic set with no house lights on and 2 simple spotlights on him on stage.

So put yourself in my shoes, here I am trying to soak in the moment of that song when

FLASH. The blinding light from the iPhone camera cracked through the air. Followed by another one. And another one.  Then repeated another 9 times.

Beautiful moment OVER.

Gone. 

Disappeared.

So to the selfie loving takers... Please, please consider these three simple questions when holding up your phone to capture your brilliant smile for the 145,978^th time on Instagram.

1. Where am I? 

 If you are in a public setting that might involve other people paying attention to an event, a speaker, or a singer, selfies could possibly be considered distracting or disrespectful.

I know. Who would have thought you holding a phone above your head so it blocks the view of the person behind you could be considered distracting?!?! Some people are so high maintenance.

2. Is it dark in here?

If the room that you are blessing with your presence is dark (possibly even for a reason), then you might need to wait on selfie-ing with a flash. Again, selfies could possibly be considered distracting or disrespectful.

I know. Why can’t the people just ignore the flash and keep looking toward the stage? It’s not like you’re asking them to take the picture. Why do they people have to be so demanding?!

3. What number is this?

If you have an all-clear after the first two questions, still keep count of how many selfies have been stored in that phone of yours.  Because after taking 14 selfie shots and 5 practice shots in one setting, once again, selfies could possibly be considered distracting or disrespectful.

I know. Why don’t people understand that perfection takes patience and repeated poses? It’s not like they’re the ones having to pick the best one and THEN figure out the best filter to apply.  Why can’t people understand the process to perfection?!?!

As my husband and I left the concert, he mentioned something that stuck with me. He said, “It’s not even that those kids were taking the pictures. It’s that they didn’t even realize there were other people in the room; much less that the musician was trying to provide a beautiful moment for the audience. They were completely self-absorbed with themselves in the moment.”

And honestly, that’s the reality behind the post.  As I grow older, I see students missing out on so many of the beautiful moments floating past them because they are so busy attempting to freeze the pose in front of them. Sometimes it’s better to look into people’s eyes then into a camera’s flash.  You might be surprised at what you’re missing. Memories can exist without a camera roll. 

Frozen's struggles. Theater's truths.

Since dating and marrying a Theater Director/Teacher extraordinaire, my world has expanded quite significantly. For example, I now listen to show critiques. What’s that you say? My husband should shower me with gifts and appreciation for being the best wife ever? That’s so sweet! I’ll be sure to pass that along to him.

In this particular case, the suggestion was given for the show to adjust the lighting in two particular scenes so that we (the audience) could better “see the struggle” in the heroin’s facial expressions as she debated between life-changing choices.

That suggestion struck me as intriguing but I couldn’t quite figure out why until the next day.  I finally realized it was odd because in “real life” we adopt the opposite motto. In Frozen for example, Elsa’s father says the phrase that we all seem to adopt in hard times “Conceal, don’t feel.” Isn’t that our natural instinct girls? When we are in difficult situations, when we are overwhelmed, or when we are making life-changing decisions, how many times have we told ourselves “conceal, don’t feel”… maybe in different words, but the same message. In Frozen, it’s easy for us to see how that motto devastates Elsa, but in “real” life, in our own lives, we are so easily trapped by the same thinking. Elsa reacts as most teenage girls… and many times young women…or married women…or older women do. Elsa withdraws. She learns to hide the pain.  When she reappears, she’s guarded. And finally, after one last hurt, she runs. 

Can we really blame her? How many times have I been hurt or scared and I pull back from someone, afraid that they will reject me? Afraid that they’ll find me weird, strange, or beyond “repair”? So I bury the thoughts. I bury the pain. And when I finally am able to “show my face” again, it’s a new side. One that’s guarded and cautious, afraid to be vulnerable and free. We think the more we hold ourselves together and present a “good face”; the better it will be for everyone involved. Why else do we answer “Nothing.” when our husbands/fathers/boyfriends/guy friends ask us “What’s wrong?”  (Is that really the best for everyone involved???) And if I start to crack, if my “good face” starts to show real fear, I flee. I run from the person. I avoid the situation. I keep up appearances by whatever means necessary.

 Ever been told “It just seems like you have it all together”?  

The more I live, the more I believe that when people think you "have it all together", that's one of the hardest places to be. Because instead of actually having it all together, sometimes, you are just one step away from running. But you can't tell anyone that.... because you "have it all together."

Concealing, not feeling, creates its own prison. One of expectations and pride.

So when we are in that place, what is the answer? Is it to Let it go and storm down ice and snow, covering the neighborhood in a winter snow storm?

No. Sorry girls. Don’t let it go… at least not in that way…

I go back to that piece of advice given by the theater judge. Let people “see the struggle.”  Now, I’m not saying we need to list all of our issues on Facebook and let people vote on how you should best handle them. Don’t call in to the radio station and let your family and friends know that you’re flunking out of college by sobbing to the dj about your failures at A&M. I’m not even saying to tell your community group that you need “prayer” for ______________ and then 30 minutes later, you’ve convinced yourself and everyone else that you’re cray-cray! (Crazy for those of us older the age of 18).

Let it go by going to that friend, or that small group, the one who has walked with you through life’s ups and downs, that is trustworthy, godly, and wise, and confide in them and let them encourage you and build you up… just as you are doing with them.. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

After all… Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 

 

 

Don’t feel the need to conceal your feelings, but find the freedom to
be honest in a wise and appropriate manner.

Every day of our life will not be filled with singing snowmen and beautiful ice sculptures. Some days will be filled with fear, loneliness, decisions, and hardships. Life is not made to be concealed nor is it to be endured alone. Tears of happiness and tears of joy are better shed with another by our side. Both the ups and downs can bring you closer to Christ and closer to friends, but it’s our decision to let them.

 

Share each other’s troubles and problems, and so obey our Lord’s command. Gal. 6:2

 

 

And smile...just because it's Olaf.