The Day I Murdered My Friend

I’ll never forget the night I was talking with my friend about her upcoming deadlines and projects. As she was telling me her plans, I responded with something like, “Well that was dumb planning. You know you never get through things as fast as you think you will.”

As soon as the words finished charging out of my mouth, I could see her expression change into one of surprise, hurt, and then deep disappointment.

I tried to back-pedal as my mind frantically searched for new words that could replace the horrible ones that I had just uttered. But, as we all know, once words are spoken, there are no take-backs. It was as if I had just taken a shot at my friend and now I was trying to put the bullet back in the gun. Useless and absurd.

The conversation died after that. And a little part of our friendship did too. 

All because of my words.

A particular proverb in the Bible is hauntingly accurate on this topic:

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  Proverbs 18:21

The past few weeks I’ve been reminded of the cold brutality- the murder- that words bring.

The murder of hopes and dreams:

No …..   |   You can’t….

The murder of relationships:

You never…. |  You always ….

The murder of our self-confidence:

Did you really think… |   You’re not….  

If I asked you if you could think of a time that you were deeply hurt by words, you could probably think of numerous times within mere seconds. Why? Because Solomon had it right when he said: The words of the reckless pierce like swords… Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally, mentally, or psychologically. We all know that childhood saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” isn’t true. If we were being honest with kids, we would teach them:  “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will end up killing me!”

However deadly as words can be, here is the paradox. Words also bring life.

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  Proverbs 18:21

The words of the reckless pierce like swords but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

Why don’t we let that sink in- what exactly our words can bring.

 Healing… Joy… Smiles… Laughter… Forgiveness… Courage…  Life.

My words can inspire in the same areas they used to kill.

The inspiration of hopes and dreams:

 You can …   |   Yes…

The inspiration of relationships:

I care…  |  I love…    |   I appreciate…    |   I forgive…   

The inspiration of confidence:

I’m proud…   |   I trust… 

So, in closing, let me ask you the same question that I had to wrestle with-

Which side of the verse do you land? Are you speaking death or life?

Or to put it more realistically:

Are you a word-murderer?

Regardless of whatever you think the answer is, listen to yourself speak the next few days to your husband, your child, your friend.  If you will honestly weigh the words against the Biblical standard, you will see where your words fall.  But fear not if you’re a word-murderer like me, God can change us.  Read His life-giving words to us:

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.* {Furthermore} Nothing can separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life {or the words we speak}… neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow… indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.** And I {Jesus} will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you.  He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. …  But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.

*1 John 1:9 **Romans 8:38-39 *** John 14:16-17

God can resurrect your deadly mouth into a life-giving one. After all, resurrection is His specialty.

A Beautiful Weight

Every time the scale goes up, my beauty goes down.

That’s what, if many of us were being honest, we would have to admit that we believe, isn’t it?

I’ve been in a staring contest with that false reality for months now.  To be honest, I’ve blinked and lost. More than once.

 

If only we grow into self-confidence the same way we do our shoe size- automatically and without thought.

If only we believed our family, friends, husbands, and God when they tell us our unique beauty is beautiful. It’s not conditional nor is it based on our current jean size.

I believe that for others- I sincerely do. I just don’t allow myself to believe it for my own body.

I think most of us fight to hold onto the truth that our value isn’t based on our bodies. We know that our worth as women (or men) goes far deeper than our weight. Many of us lose the battle, however, when the fight is whether our actual beauty is defined by our body’s shape or weight.

My struggle keeps taking me back to Proverbs 31:30: 
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

The root of the Hebrew word for “fleeting” in that verse means transitory and unsatisfactory. Solomon spoke truth to the women of his world hundreds of years ago- chasing beauty is chasing something that is ever changing. As I reflected on that, I realized how true it is, even now. Especially now.  The world’s standard of beauty is always changing. Be boyishly skinny. Be slender with a nice butt. Be curvy. Have straight long hair. Have a short angular bob. Have beach waves. Be proud of your body. Change your body.  Size 6 is perfect. Size 4 is the new 6. (Devil Wears Prada anyone?!)

I’ve fallen victim to all of those beauty stages and I’m not even that old! Truly, chasing beauty is chasing a constantly shifting standard. I’m not saying we give up on trying to better ourselves to become healthy, or to never care an iota about our appearance. I am eating better and exercising more than I have in a long time! I wear make-up and love getting new clothes! 

But I am saying that there is a balance to fight for. It’s not worth giving up my “life” to chase an unattainable standard of beauty that limits living. What I mean by that is this:

I don’t want to never eat a cookie with my husband again for fear of the calories. 

I don’t want to ignore my friend’s effort in making a home-cooked dinner by being consumed with calorie consumption. 

I don’t want to pretend I don’t like my mom’s homemade cinnamon rolls at family holidays because I have to fit into my too small pants.

Ladies- I get the struggle. The fight to lose weight while not losing our identity to our jean size is painfully difficult. The fight to believe the truth of God telling us our beauty is not changed by the number on our scale is uphill. The tension to be healthy while still enjoying life is constant. 

There’s no shortcut. There isn’t a formula. There's no 3 step process to success in this area.

It’s a mental battle. An internal fight to change our thought process. A fierce contest to hold onto the truth. But the truth is… I am beautiful in every size of clothing I wear. And so are you.

The truth is as beautifully simple as that.

I roar.

I’ve struggled with accepting my personality for years.  As so many of you know, I’m not the woman who is known for her gentle spirit and sweet tendencies. I’m the woman known for telling it like it is, and being boldly honest when answering questions.

But so many days I’ve wished I was different. Kinder. Less opinionated. Gentler. More soft-spoken. Less argumentative.

I remember someone telling me my senior year in high school that it would take a special man to marry me because of my strong-willed nature. They maybe meant it nicer than it sounds, but it certainly didn’t seem like it in the moment… or the years afterwards. If anything, it furthered cemented the thought that had already surfaced in my mind:

Being a strong-willed woman was not something to be proud of.

In college, I remember cringing every time I heard the word “intimidating” because I knew that was just another reason a guy would have to NOT date me. My personality and sarcasm didn’t exactly scream “alluring bachelorette,” but try as I did, I could never completely hide my true self. It’s as if the part of me that spoke the truth- even when it didn’t want to be heard - refused to buckle to the pressure of being an agreeable single woman. Consequently, as odd as this might sound, I stayed true to myself but not necessarily because I wanted to.  More because I tried to change me and just couldn’t.

  

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Now, more than 10 years later, I can finally say that I’m learning to ignore that voice from the past and
embrace the way God wired my personality to roar instead of purr.

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A huge part of this is watching and learning from other strong-natured women- my primary examples being my mom and sister. You see, I came by my personality honestly- it runs in all the girls in my family… on both sides!

What do I mean?

Let me tell you a little bit about my mom….

Maybe I should start with this: She homeschooled all 4 of us from Kinder to 12^th grade. What else needs to be said to show her strength?! 

But it doesn’t stop there…:

I’ve seen my mom stand up for her beliefs when it was anything but popular. I’ve watched her carry the heavy burdens of friends and loved ones. I’ve been on the receiving end of her bold truth-telling personality and have come to be thankful for it. I have asked her to hold me accountable only to find out that she really does. I’ve heard from countless women on how my mom has impacted not only their lives but indirectly their children’s lives because of her Bible teaching and challenge to live righteously. I’ve been helped by her through my depression, anxiety, and disability.  And the list goes on and on and on….

Then there is my sister who is five years older than I am, and has been a role model for much of my life. Although she is a creative day-dreamer and I am a practical realist, I’ve always been drawn to her strengths.

Growing up, she was always practicing hair and make-up on me so that my forehead was littered with curling iron burns, and my nose was continually covered in her saliva as she licked her thumb and rubbed out her make-up mistakes. I wish I was kidding. She still does it to this day.

 Her heart for the Lord goes as far back as my memories.  For example, one winter night when she was a teenager, she made us sleep with the window OPEN so we could better empathize with the persecuted Christians in China. 

As a woman, however, I’ve seen her tackle single motherhood…a feat that is exhausting and terrifying, but she has done so with wisdom, grace, love, and strength. I’ve seen her walk through a season in life with a shattered arm and broken wrist making her incapable of movement in her arms. I’ve seen her march through periods of dismal news and little resources, yet she stays clinging to Christ more tightly than most can fathom.

As I reflect on these two women, I can’t help but believe that if not for their tenacity, their boldness, or their strong-wills, they wouldn’t have overcome the trials they have. God gave them the tools they needed, one of which being their personality, to serve His purpose on the earth.

… So, many years later in my quest for acceptance, I’m realizing there is both a reason AND a need for the loud and bold women as well as the sweet and quiet women.  God equips us with the personality we need to work through the trials we face. Our temperament is one of the ways He takes care of us.

If I believe that God created me in my mother’s womb and found it delightful to pick out my eye color, hair color, and body type, then I must also believe that he joyfully wired my personality to be as He wanted as well. (Psalm 139).

Stop trying to be bold if you’re gentle; loud if you’re quiet; mild if you’re strong; timid if you’re fearless.

Be the woman God equipped you to be.

There’s a reason for your personality. Fulfill it.

Oh and if anyone is wondering…. Yes, the man I married is special indeed. J

In Him,

Holly

20 surprise lessons

Some things you expect to learn. Some things you don't.

  

1.    I am learning that learning never ends.

       2.    … that puppies are not logical.

   3.    … that changing me is a whole lot harder than changing him.

       4.    … some people will always know everything... 

and it's not worth bursting their bubble.   

5.    …  that if you’re not careful, you’ll cook the same meal
every night with a different side.

      6.    … that men don’t speak our language.  At all.

   7.    …that self-discipline is NOT as fun as laziness. But IS more rewarding.

       

 9.          … that cleanliness is subjective.

       10.  … that biting my tongue is much more difficult than 

speaking my mind.

11.     … that praying through a difficulty is more
 powerful than talking through it.

12.  … that whoever said “You’ll love eating healthy once you get used to it!” should be put in a padded room and strait-jacket.

13.     … that finding things to be thankful for on those “just curl up and cry” days is necessary but oh-so challenging.

   14.     … that to a puppy- my feet exist to be chew toys or pillows-  depending on her mood.

  15.  … that my reaction to others’ strengths and weaknesses is my responsibility.

  16.     … that friendship is worth chasing.

  17.     … that wearing high heels everyday might look great but is
  insanity defined.

18.     … that admitting weakness is possible. And helpful.

19.     … to change.

20.     … that chocolate chip cookies are the greatest peace offering ever given. For real- try it out.

But the greatest thing that I am learning is that the Great I AM is the one always doing the teaching. 

Selfie Much?

ˈselfē/

noun

informal

noun: selfie; plural noun: selfies; noun: selfy

A photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website.

The selfie craze can hardly be considered new, and yet, this weekend, it hit an all-time low for me. And by “low” I actually mean, “I almost pulled the “mom card” and went up to random students at a concert and told them to put their phone away because every person around them was contemplating how to best punch each of them in the face while simultaneously breaking their phones.”

(I thought “low” sounded better for the blog.)

Here’s the context:

My husband bought tickets to the Needtobreathe concert (SO incredible!) and so we, like the rest of normal technology-savvy adults, arrived at the venue and took our selfie of the night (to the right) and then put our phones away. I tell you that so you can understand, I take selfies. I enjoy selfies. I am a somewhat-normal selfie-er.

BUT then along came the students. About ¾ of the way through the concert, the group of 10 high school students standing near us, evidently decided that the money that they paid for attending and listening to an incredible band was better served by taking selfies. Then deleting the selfies because they didn’t look perfect. And re-taking them. Then deleting the re-takes because a boy in their group photo-bombed the re-takes, and taking another one. And so forth, and so forth and so forth. 

I get it; they want to document the night. But do they need to document the night in the same pose or one rotated left by 3 degrees 14 times over?!? AND do they need to document the night in the middle of the concert when the lead singer is being surprisingly transparent about a difficult family situation that caused heartache, and going on to perform the song as an acoustic set with no house lights on and 2 simple spotlights on him on stage.

So put yourself in my shoes, here I am trying to soak in the moment of that song when

FLASH. The blinding light from the iPhone camera cracked through the air. Followed by another one. And another one.  Then repeated another 9 times.

Beautiful moment OVER.

Gone. 

Disappeared.

So to the selfie loving takers... Please, please consider these three simple questions when holding up your phone to capture your brilliant smile for the 145,978^th time on Instagram.

1. Where am I? 

 If you are in a public setting that might involve other people paying attention to an event, a speaker, or a singer, selfies could possibly be considered distracting or disrespectful.

I know. Who would have thought you holding a phone above your head so it blocks the view of the person behind you could be considered distracting?!?! Some people are so high maintenance.

2. Is it dark in here?

If the room that you are blessing with your presence is dark (possibly even for a reason), then you might need to wait on selfie-ing with a flash. Again, selfies could possibly be considered distracting or disrespectful.

I know. Why can’t the people just ignore the flash and keep looking toward the stage? It’s not like you’re asking them to take the picture. Why do they people have to be so demanding?!

3. What number is this?

If you have an all-clear after the first two questions, still keep count of how many selfies have been stored in that phone of yours.  Because after taking 14 selfie shots and 5 practice shots in one setting, once again, selfies could possibly be considered distracting or disrespectful.

I know. Why don’t people understand that perfection takes patience and repeated poses? It’s not like they’re the ones having to pick the best one and THEN figure out the best filter to apply.  Why can’t people understand the process to perfection?!?!

As my husband and I left the concert, he mentioned something that stuck with me. He said, “It’s not even that those kids were taking the pictures. It’s that they didn’t even realize there were other people in the room; much less that the musician was trying to provide a beautiful moment for the audience. They were completely self-absorbed with themselves in the moment.”

And honestly, that’s the reality behind the post.  As I grow older, I see students missing out on so many of the beautiful moments floating past them because they are so busy attempting to freeze the pose in front of them. Sometimes it’s better to look into people’s eyes then into a camera’s flash.  You might be surprised at what you’re missing. Memories can exist without a camera roll. 

Lies

***Today’s blog topic is a sensitive issue and should be read with awareness that this is not suitable for children, but extremely relevant for teenage girls and their mothers.***

I have recently been inundated with accounts of girls hurting themselves or girls sharing inappropriate photos.  And although at initial glance, those two habits are not similar, I tend to think the root cause is.  The need to feel something- whether it is physical pain or physically beautiful- is a powerful force for women. And that force that drives for significance compels young women to take action… they are desperately seeking to be found noteworthy, yet these methods fail to provide it for more than moments at a time.

As I heard yet two more stories today, I started researching statistics of how many of our young girls in this country are actively taking or sharing inappropriate pictures of their bodies, and the girls who are hurting themselves in order to deal with the pain that others have caused... It’s anywhere from 1 in 5 girls, to 1 in 12 girls*.  Tragically, in my experience, it’s closer to the 1 in 5 than the 1 in 12 that those percentages translate into.

How I wish I could sit down with each young woman, yet the need is bigger than I am.  So, I pray that these words will reach some of the hurting girls who can then reach their friends.

Young sisters…..

Hollywood has lied to you.

Nude or semi-nude photos of yourself do not prove your desirability; your femininity; your attractiveness; nor your worth as a girlfriend or a girl.

I get it- the contradiction of hearing that beauty is from your inner self but seeing almost every major star willing to show much of what she has with her “outer self.”  It’s confusing, overwhelming, and difficult. Who doesn’t want to be considered beautiful and desirable? We all do, and that desire isn’t wrong.  It’s the actions we take to fulfill that desire by our own hand that is the problem.

Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and every other social media site have lied to you.

“Privacy” is a foreign word to the internet. “Deleted” is not possible. Once something has been posted, sent, or shared, it will forever be in the archives of the internet. Maybe not accessible to you, but accessible to someone. And most likely someone with very little to no respect who “you” are.

Peers. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Instagram Followers have lied to you.

You do not have to share with the world what God intended for you to share with your spouse. Your body does not need the “like” of a boyfriend/girlfriend or random follower to be considered beautiful. Your husband will be enthralled with you and you will be with him. The mystery going into marriage is worth the privacy before marriage.

To quote an awesome movie, Cool Runnings “A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you’re not enough without it, then you’ll never be enough with it.”

Girls- the same is true of you. 

You and your body are a wonderful thing, but if you’re not enough without a boy’s affirmation, then you’ll never be enough with it. You will keep searching for that significance without reward.  That need for ultimate significance and sense of beauty comes from God. The One who made you, designed you, dreamed of you, listens to you, and holds you is the only One who will forever and always tell you that you are beautiful; you are enough.  In fact...you are worth taking pictures with clothes on.

 

Your heart and/or mind have lied to you.

When the doubts flood and the self-loathing consumes your heart and your mind, know that you are not listening to the truth. Reality often whispers- so listen closely.... but the truth is that “You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade. “ (Tenth Avenue North)

The truth is…

• Your nude body is beautiful but not for public viewing.
• Your husband will appreciate your perseverance in standards.
• Cutting yourself does not bring emotional healing. It actually deepens it.
• Your jeans’ size is not the determining factor of your worth.
• You wouldn’t let your friend burn themselves, so why do you?
• Your boyfriend asking for picture shows who he is- not who you need to be.
• Your pain is real. Your need is authentic.
• Talking to someone will bring healing. 
• Cutting yourself will not... And you know it.

You can start fresh. 

Forgiveness is real. Clean slates are a reality.

And to the mothers, as hard as it is, try 

to understand that your daughter might be struggling with one or both of these. And if not her, one of her friends most certainly is.  As difficult as it is to fathom, the struggles are real. They don’t mean that she is un-loveable or beyond help. Your daughters’ world is far different than your own. Better in some ways, worse in others. Just as you didn’t choose the temptations that were prevalent when you were a teenager, she hasn’t chosen the temptations that are prevalent for her.  She may have made mistakes, but she needs you more than ever.

Love her. Hurt with her. Help her. Discipline her.
But please don’t forsake, abandon, or condemn her.

Girls- we all need grace, and we all need help. You're not alone in the struggle.

*http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/01/10/sexting-statistics-what-do-the-surveys-say/

**http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/12-teens-cut-harm-themsleves/story?id=14969232