Perspectives.

Perspectives.

That word has been hounding my thoughts. I’ve heard it sung about on the radio. I’ve heard it dialogued about by friends. I’ve seen it pushed by commercials.  Perspectives define life as we know it. My perspective filters every single word, thought, action, and movement.

Several months back at a high school basketball game, all these dots began to connect. You see, I was, along with everyone else, cheering on the players and my team. And as all fans do, when the ref made a ridiculously absurd call, there I was yelling “Oh come on!!!” at the man in the striped shirt.

And then the flashback occurred.

You see, I had been in that man’s exact shoes a lifetime ago… I had the lived the horrifying tragedy of being a soccer referee for 4 miserably long years. I heard those exact words “Oh come on!!!” hurled at me more times than I can count. And each time made me cringe. Yet, here I was years later, doing the same thing to another poor soul. Immediate remorse ensued. In my head I started pouring compliments and apologies on the striped-shirt man. I was trying to penance my way out of the guilt.

In those moments, the irony of perspectives started to swirl in my head. For not only had I been a soccer ref, but I had also been a soccer player and a soccer spectator. I well remember the differences between the three perspectives. As the player, you see the action the closest, which at times is helpful but it’s always biased. You know when the ball was technically out of bounds, but rarely do you ever feel the need to be honest enough to tell the ref. 

Meanwhile, the spectator has an overall view of the whole field that the player never sees- the spectator feels the rise and fall of the game. They too suffer from bias however… their loyalty to their own side must come first.

The referee seemingly has the best view- he runs the whole field yet isn’t directly engaged in the play, so he has a much clearer understanding than the players. Yet, we expect the referee to see things perfectly on the field when there are 22 players swirling around him with voices shouting and balls flying. Perfection is not only improbable, it’s impossible.

In life, it seems as though we constantly rotate from being a player in a situation, to being a spectator of a friend’s life, to being asked to be a referee, whether with children, fighting friends, or giving unbiased advice.  Our reaction to each situation depends on our perspective or role that we hold in each.

When I was 14, I couldn’t understand why my parents would say I couldn’t date until I was 16… not that it mattered. No boys asked anyways, but that’s a different therapy blog post. Now as a spectator to other parents with 14 year old daughters, I totally understand their perspective. What a difference 10+ years makes!

When I’m watching my friends’ life fall apart, my perspective allows me to see more options than hers because it’s not my “game”. When I’m breaking up a fight between my friends’, what I call as out of line will be different than what they agree with.

I’m realizing, perspectives between people will never be identical.

Yet how much I want them to be.

I get frustrated with my coworker for having a different approach to a situation. I get annoyed when my husband doesn't agree 1,000% with my arguments. I think store policies are idiotic when I don’t get to exchange something on my own terms. I can spot 122 ways the mom is exhibiting poor parenting with the screaming child in Walmart. I think my parents are living in the Stone Age when they decide to keep their old phones instead of upgrading to the newest model. I think my friend is crazy for hanging out with that group of kids from school. I think my Sunday school teacher is fanatical when he challenged us to share our faith to our neighbors. I think my teacher is way too hard when she doesn’t let me make-up my make-up homework.

Life is so much easier… simpler… better when we all agree.  when everyone else agrees with me. with my perspective.

Life is so much better when everyone else agrees with my perspective.

That’s what I would never admit but often believe.

But I’m learning to change that.  A little bit every day.

A different perspective has opened my eyes to so much…

Beauty in areas I’ve never noticed before.

Laughter with people I’d never been friends with before.

Confidence in abilities I didn’t trust in before.

Characteristics in family I hadn’t appreciated before.

Ideas I’d never considered before.

Changes I wouldn’t have made before.

A whole way of life that I wouldn’t have experienced before…

Lies

***Today’s blog topic is a sensitive issue and should be read with awareness that this is not suitable for children, but extremely relevant for teenage girls and their mothers.***

I have recently been inundated with accounts of girls hurting themselves or girls sharing inappropriate photos.  And although at initial glance, those two habits are not similar, I tend to think the root cause is.  The need to feel something- whether it is physical pain or physically beautiful- is a powerful force for women. And that force that drives for significance compels young women to take action… they are desperately seeking to be found noteworthy, yet these methods fail to provide it for more than moments at a time.

As I heard yet two more stories today, I started researching statistics of how many of our young girls in this country are actively taking or sharing inappropriate pictures of their bodies, and the girls who are hurting themselves in order to deal with the pain that others have caused... It’s anywhere from 1 in 5 girls, to 1 in 12 girls*.  Tragically, in my experience, it’s closer to the 1 in 5 than the 1 in 12 that those percentages translate into.

How I wish I could sit down with each young woman, yet the need is bigger than I am.  So, I pray that these words will reach some of the hurting girls who can then reach their friends.

Young sisters…..

Hollywood has lied to you.

Nude or semi-nude photos of yourself do not prove your desirability; your femininity; your attractiveness; nor your worth as a girlfriend or a girl.

I get it- the contradiction of hearing that beauty is from your inner self but seeing almost every major star willing to show much of what she has with her “outer self.”  It’s confusing, overwhelming, and difficult. Who doesn’t want to be considered beautiful and desirable? We all do, and that desire isn’t wrong.  It’s the actions we take to fulfill that desire by our own hand that is the problem.

Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and every other social media site have lied to you.

“Privacy” is a foreign word to the internet. “Deleted” is not possible. Once something has been posted, sent, or shared, it will forever be in the archives of the internet. Maybe not accessible to you, but accessible to someone. And most likely someone with very little to no respect who “you” are.

Peers. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Instagram Followers have lied to you.

You do not have to share with the world what God intended for you to share with your spouse. Your body does not need the “like” of a boyfriend/girlfriend or random follower to be considered beautiful. Your husband will be enthralled with you and you will be with him. The mystery going into marriage is worth the privacy before marriage.

To quote an awesome movie, Cool Runnings “A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you’re not enough without it, then you’ll never be enough with it.”

Girls- the same is true of you. 

You and your body are a wonderful thing, but if you’re not enough without a boy’s affirmation, then you’ll never be enough with it. You will keep searching for that significance without reward.  That need for ultimate significance and sense of beauty comes from God. The One who made you, designed you, dreamed of you, listens to you, and holds you is the only One who will forever and always tell you that you are beautiful; you are enough.  In fact...you are worth taking pictures with clothes on.

 

Your heart and/or mind have lied to you.

When the doubts flood and the self-loathing consumes your heart and your mind, know that you are not listening to the truth. Reality often whispers- so listen closely.... but the truth is that “You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade. “ (Tenth Avenue North)

The truth is…

• Your nude body is beautiful but not for public viewing.
• Your husband will appreciate your perseverance in standards.
• Cutting yourself does not bring emotional healing. It actually deepens it.
• Your jeans’ size is not the determining factor of your worth.
• You wouldn’t let your friend burn themselves, so why do you?
• Your boyfriend asking for picture shows who he is- not who you need to be.
• Your pain is real. Your need is authentic.
• Talking to someone will bring healing. 
• Cutting yourself will not... And you know it.

You can start fresh. 

Forgiveness is real. Clean slates are a reality.

And to the mothers, as hard as it is, try 

to understand that your daughter might be struggling with one or both of these. And if not her, one of her friends most certainly is.  As difficult as it is to fathom, the struggles are real. They don’t mean that she is un-loveable or beyond help. Your daughters’ world is far different than your own. Better in some ways, worse in others. Just as you didn’t choose the temptations that were prevalent when you were a teenager, she hasn’t chosen the temptations that are prevalent for her.  She may have made mistakes, but she needs you more than ever.

Love her. Hurt with her. Help her. Discipline her.
But please don’t forsake, abandon, or condemn her.

Girls- we all need grace, and we all need help. You're not alone in the struggle.

*http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/01/10/sexting-statistics-what-do-the-surveys-say/

**http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/12-teens-cut-harm-themsleves/story?id=14969232

Emergencies

Fast. Speedy. Quick. Swift. Rapid. Blistering.

Break-neck. Hurried. Supersonic.

All of those could you be used to describe parts of me.  I walk quickly. I drive fast. I talk hurriedly. I rush speedily. I even think swiftly.

I love movement. Long lines cause me to question my sanity. Slow retail service causes me to hyperventilate. Monotonous and pointless discussions confuse and frustrate me. I like figuring out the fastest way home. The quickest solution to a problem. The best grocery line to stand in.

 I’m always looking to save a second which leads to saving a minute, to an hour…etc, etc, etc…

And then the author of the book I’m reading wrote something that stopped me cold.

“Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting but it is not an emergency. Emergencies are sudden, unexpected events —

but is anything under the sun unexpected to God?”*

What? Life is not an emergency? Life does not have to be pursued at break-neck speed for fear that slowing down means losing life? What an entirely different approach. In fact, that changes the mindset of each of my every day’s.

I asked my husband last night, “What would you do if you knew you had 6 months to live?” He answered as most, if not all of us would. He talked about making the most of life and the moments left. He would take a dream-vacation with me and have significant conversations with friends and family. He would soak in the little bit of time left…. When he asked me what I would do- I had nothing else to add. He had summed it up. With knowledge of a fleeting life-span, I would savor the time with those I love and cherish rather than rush it.

As we kept talking I began to tear up- thoughts of 6 months left to live easily cause sadness... But also regret. Although the original question was hypothetical, the follow-up question my brain cornered me with was real….

“Why am I putting off those savored conversations and special memories??
Why don’t I live those moments now?”

James 4:14 tells us:

^“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life?

You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

How is that different than being told by a doctor- “Your time is short”? Yet, just how differently would I live my life if a doctor uttered the exact same phrase to me that James does?  Vastly. 

Life would no longer be lived as an emergency- blasting from one event to the next, but it would be lived with steadfast determination. A choice of purpose and intentionality. Decisions to remember the moments and take advantage of them rather than moments taking advantage of me.

This same author points out:

“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.” *

Ouch. It feels like I was tangibly pricked. How many times have I rushed around in order to fit more “things”, more “memories,” more “to-do’s” in only to find myself exhausted and burned-out…leaving negative impressions instead of joyful memories.

I find myself doing that in more areas than I even realize. In desperate attempts to “enjoy life” and to “live life to the fullest” I began to fall into the trap of an emergency-filled life instead of a fleeting life. My fear of losing out on life will not magically add to my life. Quite the opposite actually.   I’m not losing anything by slowing down. I’m not missing out by taking a breath. I’m not forgoing memories by being at peace with the day-to-day activities, conversations, and work. Those are part of my life. God’s placement of me in this time, at this job, with these friends, and born into my family is intentional.

My every day’s are here to give me the fullest life God intended.  By rushing through them to get to the tomorrow’s, I’m rushing through my life, my memories, my joys.  

I’m learning to live today. And when tomorrow comes, to live then.

 As a Christ-follower...“This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there's this deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the brink of eternity.” *

*Author: Ann Voskamp

Detours.

Detours. How I hate them.  They take WAY longer than a normal route. They cause confusion and frustration because I am no longer in a familiar place. They create traffic which I H.A.T.E. with a passion.

Plus, there never seems to be anyone actually working on the road that they are shutting down- so why make us detour???

Pause there- if anyone out there works on the roadways; I have two thoughts for you.

1st- I’m extremely thankful for you. Anytime I drive one of the bridges by Sagemont that seem to be taller than a skyscraper, I always have a moment of awe that the bridge could be built while simultaneously experiencing a moment of terror that the bridge was built.  I’ve seen what happens to Lego towers when they’re not attached quite right….

2nd- Could you please explain why it seems permissible to put out "Road Closed" signs 6 ½ months before any human ever starts to work on that road? Please tell me there’s a reason- if nothing else, that it’s a plot to put the entire city of Houston into a traffic gridlock… oh wait…Houston already is. I answered my own question.

Anyways... 

Suffice it to say, I dislike detours.
And all that comes with them.

I’ve recently talked with friends who are job searching. I hear from friends who have surprising new obstacles at work. I listen to friends who have encountered unforeseen trials. I know friends who are in the middle of major life decisions. And the list goes on and on…. Life’s detours.  How we hate them just like, (or most likely), more than road detours.

I don’t know about you, but I have my life plan and goals. So when something happens that detours me off that plan, I’m NOT happy. Why should I be? The plans are good. They aren't dishonoring to God…. And just like road detours, life detours cause HUGE delays and are frustrating and confusing. So answer me this, if my end goal is to work for a church and help further God’s kingdom, why did I have to wait for 2 years after grad school until I arrived here? If I wanted to be married, why did I have to wait until I’m 28 to find the right man?

Or maybe your questions sound like this…if I want to be a nurse overseas, why do I have to go to nursing school and then work three years in America first? If I want to teach 2^nd grade, why do I have to spend my first year teaching Kindergarten? If I simply want to find a job so I can pay my bills, why have I been searching and applying for months without any offers? If I want to have children, why am I infertile? If I love volleyball, why can’t I make the school team?

We all have our questions. We all have experienced our road blocks… our detours to life’s goals.  And most of us have been confused. Maybe a little frustrated. Hurt. Annoyed. Angry.  And weary…always weary of the detours…

Why do we have to get caught in “life’s traffic” before arriving to our dream destination? Why do we have to be pointed onto a new road, one of unfamiliar surroundings and surprising twists & turns?

If we strip away the other questions, we are left with this one simply query:

Why doesn’t God follow our plans... our “map”?

Reading it that way makes me cringe a little. 

Do I really want God to follow my plans when He has so clearly told me:

 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written,
every one of them, the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was one of them..*

For MY thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways MY ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are MY ways higher than your ways and MY thoughts than your thoughts...**

YOU number my wanderings,
put my tears into Your bottle, are they not in Your book?...
This I know, because God is for me.***

Hearing that God has planned out my days before I was even born, with plans that are immeasurably higher than mine, I never have to doubt that He has led me down a closed road. I never have to wonder if he sees how many tears I cry on my detour…He has collected each teardrop. My “wanderings” are numbered by Him…they are ordained by Him.

At the end of the day, I am learning to trust that

My detour is actually the path.

How?

Because this I know…God is for me.

* Ps. 139:16

** Is. 55:8-9

**Ps. 56:8-11

Worst advice ever.

Since it’s May and that means all types of graduations and life changes, I thought I would share with you some advice that is extremely popular that I have found very UN-helpful. 3 little words that cause more heartache than possibly any other sentence out there …

No it’s not a mistake. Follow your heart is quite possibly the worst advice I’ve ever received (except for being told that the Freshman 15 doesn’t actually happen)!

But what?! How could following your heart be so awful? That just means that you’re following what you love and not letting anyone get in your way! How can that possibly end badly, right?!

Wrong.

That’s what we wished happened.

Let’s break this down.

My heart….

I don’t know about you, but some days, my heart leads me to eating 4.6 slices of pizza. Some days my heart leads me eating cookie dough for breakfast. Some days my heart leads me to watch 14 chick flicks in a row. Some days my heart leads me to believe my friends instead of my loving parents. Some days my heart leads me to believe the voices in the hallway that tell me I’m not worth anything. Some days my heart leads me to believe I’m ugly. Weird. Rejected. Unwanted. Or maybe my heart leads me to believe that I’m perfect. Gorgeous. Popular. Always right. Better.

Our heart is fickle and unreliable. It will draw us to cookies instead of spinach… (so does my taste buds- that one’s not all on the heart). It will draw us to good AND bad influences- whichever feels better in the moment. It will blind our eyes and numb our minds to the truth. All in the name of “following your heart”.

Jeremiah, a prophet of God in the Old Testament, nailed it when he said*:

“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?”

It’s true. My heart is wicked. And I can definitely see why he asks the question- “who can understand it?”

Disagree? How about this- ever been prideful? Jealous? Judgmental? Arrogant? That’s not exactly the emotions that I want my heart to follow- yet I do…frequently.

Ever questioned your worth? Your value? Your point in life? That’s actually not the “heart” that most people are advising you to follow when they tell you that advice.

Or what about his question- “who can understand it?”  Girls, are you really going to try to convince yourself and then me that we understand our emotions? HA! We all know that there has been at least one commercial that we have cried at for no reason. Or at least one lash of anger to someone who didn’t deserve it. Or at least one time in our life when the guy asks us “What’s wrong?” and we have to honestly say “I don’t know...”

So if “follow your heart” is ridiculously awful advice, what can we follow??

Glad you asked- here are some options for you to consider:

1. Your brain.

God gave you a brain- surprisingly enough, it’s more dependable than your emotions. If the guy you want to date because he’s cute has dated 4 other girls in the past 5 days…. THINK about the consequences- don’t imagine how it will FEEL to hold his hand.

2. Godly counsel- parents, pastors, good friends

God put the people in your life for a reason, and if you have a godly family, a student minister, or good friends their counsel counts. If the people who love you most, see major red flags with your “heart’s decision” see number 1.

3. God.

This seems obvious, since it’s the most important, but often we completely forget His Word. Or ignore it. And yet in reality, it is the trump card.

James 1:5 fills us in on this promise:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

Granted, every once in a while God asks us to step out in faith and make a decision that our brain doesn’t always compute, or a decision that our circle of influence doesn’t understand, but when He asks that of us, He makes it very certain to you. Don’t turn that into an excuse to “follow your heart,” however, because those are very different things. The longer you spend in prayer and the Word, the better the outcome will be. And most of the time, when God is the leading factor, numbers one and two fall into place behind Him.

So, to wrap up - am I saying that you never make a decision
 because it makes you happy? No!

Am I saying that anytime you are drawn to something,
you should immediately run away? No!

I am saying this- when you want to follow your heart, check it by ALSO following the three things above.

The bottom line is this:

 Follow God’s heart. For his heart is love and his will is beautiful….

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him… Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.**

*Jeremiah 17:9

**1 John 4:16 and Romans 12:2