Pots, Pans & Meltdowns

Sometimes.  A lot of times, I am overwhelmed.

Sometimes it’s for great reasons…. Like having a project due for work and a really difficult deadline.  Sometimes it’s for not great reasons…. Like the time when Aaron and I were engaged and working on our registry, and in the middle of the cookware section at the store, I had a total meltdown.

Yes… the cookware section. Somehow the thought of choosing pots and pans was a million miles beyond my mental capacity.  I remember words coming out of my mouth that went something like this… “But everyone who ever comes to our home will judge me based on which pan I’m cooking with…”  Aaron also tells me that I was under the belief that picking the right cookware was the foundation for our marriage. Surely he’s mixing me up with another crazy overwhelmed bride walking through the aisles that day…right???

I only wish I was making that story up.

But the fact is regardless of whether the “I feel like I’m drowning” sensations are coming from making earth-shattering decisions like the purchase of the right soup pot, or whether they are coming from juggling 7 AP classes, extra-curricular activities, and church involvement, the fact is no one wants to feel like they’re drowning. Ever.  Not in the ocean and not on dry land.

Here are some things that I learned the hard way… maybe they can save you from the cookware meltdown 3 months before your wedding.

1. Admit you’re drowning.

I thought if I can just push through it, no one will notice that I’m struggling, and I’ll convince myself that all this is pathetic and silly.

Yeah… NO, YOU WON’T. NO, YOU WON’T. NO, YOU WON’T.

People will notice- at least the people close to you- because a) your tears are not invisible OR if you’re not a crier b) you biting their heads off over something simple will be a major hint.

The fact is even if the situation is pathetic and silly… like the belief that cookware is the foundation of my marriage… in that moment, you are “drowning” because of everything else going on in your life.  Drowning people are rarely able to think logically.  It’s better to admit you’re sinking so you can accept help, than to continue flailing around the ocean of your tears without the ability to make it to “shore.”

2. Realize that help might come in a form that you don’t like.

It’s not going to work if you realize you are completely overwhelmed but you reject all plans, ideas, and avenues suggested for helping you get to back to a state of equilibrium.  We must listen to our mentors, parents, spouses, friends’ wisdom in this area.

Chances are, you aren’t going to like the path to normalcy. Why? Because we overloaded ourselves which is why we now feel like we are sinking. So, if we were all right with over-burdening our lives to get to the point of drowning, it’s going to be very difficult to admit that we need to UN-burden our lives by removing some of the very things we added to them to begin with.

Basically, if you put 15 activities on your schedule, the way to stop drowning might be to remove 7 of those 15 off your schedule. But who likes to go back and admit they can’t do everything? Certainly not this red-head!

But we have to. Or we drown. I have to. Or I drown.

Sometimes, however, it’s not that we over-burdened ourselves; we only have 2 things on our plate to begin with…  Maybe it’s that there are other unresolved issues we need to face. Some of us might need to go to counseling to work through it. Some of us might need to talk to a doctor because it’s a medical issue. Some of us should talk to a pastor because it’s a spiritual burden.

Bottom line: Be open to the reality that help won’t always look the same for each person.

3. Accept help.

I remember at our wedding rehearsal, I was struggling.  I was emotional, exhausted, excited, and stressed. So guess what happened? Yes… tears started cascading down. Looking back, maybe I should have reminded myself that we picked really good cookware! J

Aaron stepped in and took over. He directed the rehearsal; he told the group to ask him or my mom questions but to leave me alone. He and my mother salvaged and directed the next couple of hours. 

Now, honestly, part of me was so incredibly thankful. The other part of me was slightly humiliated. Why couldn’t I handle my own wedding rehearsal? How ridiculous must everyone think I am??

But you know what? Aaron wasn’t judging me because I was Niagara Falls. My mom didn’t pull me aside and tell me to pull myself together because I was the bride. Our guests didn’t heckle me as I entered the auditorium. No, instead my fiancé and family helped me in the best possible way- they took the pressure off of me and onto them.  Our friends and extended family either didn’t notice or were kind enough to not tell me they did… the evening continued and was a success.

Sometimes that is exactly what we need: to humble ourselves and accept the help.

There’s no shame in being a human.

We all have our weak moments, so thank the Lord that He gave us friends and loved ones to step in and support us.

I know I’m always grateful when a friend or loved one is honest enough to be transparent and vulnerable with me. Not that I’m glad they’re overwhelmed, but I’m glad they trusted me enough to help them, encourage them, or just listen to them.

Shouldn’t I extend that same trust when I’m the one drowning?

Maybe if I would, that would prevent another break-down… this time in the silverware aisle. 

Mascara Running. Hands Clapping

Earth Shattering.

Heavens Rejoicing.

Galaxies Smiling.

Mascara Running.

Praises Rising.

Hands Clapping.

Glory Shining.

Laughter Ringing.

Music Blaring.

Hugs Tightening.

Hearts Pumping.

Joy Overflowing.

Children Dancing.

Adults Shouting.

Orchestra Performing.

Angels Twirling.

Smiles Beaming.

Light Shining.

This happens when one, just one lost soul is redeemed by the saving grace of Jesus. Tonight we have celebrated 21 lost souls finding salvation through the blood of the Lamb!

O Glorious Day.

O Glorious Week.

O Glorious Savior.

*If you ever have questions, please comment or message me. I would love to share with you this life-changing, forever gaining, glorious beautiful Love that has saved my soul.  It's so simple. It's so loving. It's so grace.

Man Truths

I’ve been married  1 year, 1 month and 1 day.  

  

And in that 1 year, 1 month and 1 day, I have found that there is truth to what older wiser women told me about men. Truth that I didn’t realize would save me some MAJOR confusion in marriage (or friendships) if I would have simply trusted their words. But today, sisters, today I believe them…which is consequently transforming the way I approach relationships.

Here are the 3 Man Truths that have been confirmed in my world. I’d love to hear in the comments below if they’ve been confirmed in yours.

#1 Hints are worthless. All of them.  E.V.E.R.Y. time.

Girls, we have all heard it. And yet, we’ve all devoured enough chick flicks, and read enough Nicholas Sparks novels that we choose to believe the fiction over the facts.  Fiction tells us that the majority of men naturally pick up the ability to read your mind while simultaneously ignoring your words (if needed).

For example, when we say:

“I think it’s so sweet when men buy jewelry for their girls…  Oh my! You know, that necklace would go perfect with my leopard-print dress! It’s soooooooooooo beautiful!!! I wish I had it!”

We feel as those are practically screaming “Buy me the necklace- it will show me you love me!!!! I WANT THE NECKLACE!!!!!!”

What he hears: “She must really like the necklace… “

Some men might also add on to that thought:  If she likes it that much, she should just buy it.

So what happens? He says that to his girl, excited that he’s picked up on something… and is shocked when she bursts into tears exclaiming “Oh, you just don’t get it!” and proceeds to tell him she feels like he doesn’t care about her. He’s left shaking his head wondering:
“If she liked the necklace so much, why would buying it make her so mad? Where did that backfire???”

Final conclusion: Hints are worthless.

#2 You must give them “conversation codes”.

Here’s something else that we’ve all heard: Boys hear a problem and want to fix it, but girls just want boys to listen.

Well we’ve all heard it because guess what- it’s true!!! When I tell Aaron a problem, his mind naturally and instantly processes: “If I solve this problem, my wife will be happy again. Let me solve this problem.”

Which, in all reality, makes sense when we look at it “logically” like a guy does. But why in the world would we do that?!?! We’re girls! In the midst of heartache, very rarely do we want logic!

So, I’ve learned to help us both be “successful” in getting what we want, I now tell Aaron the code to success at the beginning:  “Babe, this is a conversation that I need you to listen. And after you listen, I need you to reaffirm me.”

He now knows- “The solution in this instance to making my wife happy is not solving her problems it’s encouraging her.” 

Now, he probably is thinking – “She’s crazy. If she would just let me solve the problem, we wouldn’t have to have this same conversation 5 times.” But, he’s a sweet man, and keeps that thought to himself. Most of the time. ;)

In the end, the code solves both our problems! He’s happy because he’s not upsetting me further, and I’m happy because he’s not being logical when I need emotional!

#3 Avoid using “fine.” It only destroys conversations.

I will admit- I’m 100% stereotypical female in this particular way. I use “Fine” when I’m not actually fine.

But here’s my perfectly logical reasoning to why I say “fine” when I’m not….

1) I’m actually really annoyed, but I need to calm myself down before I tell you that I’m annoyed because then I’ll overreact.

2) I’m overreacting and I know I’m overreacting, and so I’m saying that I’m fine because it should be true, and it will be true, it’s just not true at this exact moment.

3) It’s fine. It’s not awful; it’s not great… it’s f.i.n.e.

So those make total sense right? Evidently to a man, not at all.  Here’s what a man hears…or so I’ve been told.

1) She’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is “fine”.

2) She’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is “fine”.

3) Why would she say it’s fine if she’s not pleased with it? Shouldn’t saying “fine” actually mean that she finds it acceptable?..... So if she’s not pleased but says she is… she’s flat-out lying. It’s obvious nothing about what I just said or asked is actually an acceptable form of “fine”.

Whoa. Major differences in thought processes. And I must admit, when my eyes were opened to the fact that men feel like they are being lied to and then forced to figure out on their own why we are so unhappy… is it any wonder that they get so frustrated with that answer?

Now, in our defense ladies, our intent behind “fine” most of the time is actually a good thing!! But I’m learning that for some men- they would rather have the emotional, sometimes illogical, sometimes very upset truth, then to be left in the dark as to what is actually going on.

So there’s my recently learned Man Truths! I’m with you sisters- it would be SO MUCH EASIER if men could just get with the program and read the female brain. But in the meantime, it’s all fine right?!?! ;)

 Please- if you have more to add- share below!!!

Ariel's Awkwardness: Hope for girls everywhere

Some of you might remember Cinderella and Dating post that I wrote a ways back that a lot of you identified with…. Well, I’ve been thinking about Disney Princesses again (since we recently returned from Disney), and I’ve been having conversations with oh-so-many teenage girls…. And *poof* Ariel keeps popping into my head.

The more I think about Ariel, the more I’m convinced that she’s the heroine for the normal American teenage girl. She brings hope to the normal girls, the awkward girls, the quirky girls, and possibly even deranged girls everywhere.

How? 2 reasons.

#1 Silent beauty- rrriiiiiiiggghhhttt!

According to the story, they fell in love while Ariel was QUIET.  In fact, a children’s adaptation of the story, puts it like this:

“Charmed by her silent beauty, Prince Eric showed Ariel his kingdom.”

Anyone else see the GLARING issue with this????

They fell in love while she was silent?!?!

Even on an introvert’s most quiet day, she still TALKS.  She’s n-e-v-e-r silent. And if she is, then any guy who’s been around any girl for any length of time knows that when a girl is silent, something is seriously wrong.  Like MAJORLY wrong.

Any time I fall quiet, this will invariably happen within 10-30 minutes…

“Holly, are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You’re really quiet….”

“Yeah….well….. ok, so here’s what happened….”

And I then proceed to tell my husband what’s wrong.

It happens like that every- single- time.  And I KNOW that I’m not alone. Even if you girls deny it, let me ask the brothers/fathers/boyfriends/husbands in your lives, and they’ll agree with me. Even quiet girls aren’t silent! 

But-

Most girls, many normal teenage girls, fall quiet when they are around someone of the opposite sex- regardless of whether they like the boy or not, it’s almost natural to lose our voice. It’s not that we are trying to show off Ariel’s “silent charm”, if anything that’s the last thing we want, but we simply don’t know what to say. It’s like our brain and mouth lose the connection to each other! A guy could say something, and we’ll be struck mute. Our girlfriend can say the same sentence 2 hours later to us, and we will have the best response EVER.

(To which we then fall back in our chair, sigh, and loudly proclaim “What is wrong with me?!!? Why can’t I talk when there’s a guy around?!?!?!”)

So my young friends, if that is you, take heart. You are not alone!  Sometimes I think it’s God’s way of protecting us from dating the wrong guy or just at the wrong time! ;)

It’s totally acceptable that it’s not easy for you to talk to guys or flirt with boys. You are normal- not weird!  I promise you- there will be a guy that comes along one day that makes it easy to talk to him. That’s the guy that you want.

One of my favorite things about Aaron is that early in our dating relationship, he asked me lots of questions. He drew me out of my shell. He wanted to know the real me that not everyone sees. And he still does. He still asks. And I love him for it.

You’ll find your own Prince that does the same for you- a man that helps you find those words that you didn’t even know you had inside you.

#2 Cute hoarder-  rrriiiiiiiggghhhttt!

It’s time someone says it. Ariel is a hoarder. She collects and keeps gadgets, gizmos, whosits, whatsits and thingamabobs. Look at her sea shelves FULL of objects. There are some underlying issues there that no one else seems willing to address.

Here’s the truth though- we all are like Ariel in some fashion.  We have all collected and/or even hoarded stuff.  It may not be a physical as a gizmo or whosits, but it’s just as noticeable. This relationship “baggage” comes in all shapes and sizes… it can be as simple as refusing to go to bed with the television on, to something as monotonous as loading the dishwasher a certain way.

Or it can be as complicated as unresolved pain from a past relationship; struggles with parents that carryover into marriage; past abuse that influences future trust…. The list of options goes on. Eternally.

This unseen baggage is much more “consuming” than any amount of gadgets, thingamabobs, and gizmos could ever occupy. Well… unless you are a legit hoarder; if so, that’s you need to read a whole different blog book….

Bottom line, Ariel couldn’t take her grotto of forks, beads, and random objects into the castle and into her new life. It would just clutter up her new home, and she discovered that there was already much of those objects there.

Our relationship baggage is the same. When we carry it into our serious relationships or marriage, it clutters up our new normal: our relationship.  I’m not saying that we can just throw it away and pretend we never owned it…. If only it were that simple, but it’s not. Relational baggage has to be dealt with- it must be unpacked, sorted, and put in its rightful place: the past.

Like Ariel, we’ll also find that our new home has its own set of “baggage” to deal with. It’s not a bad thing- it’s a normal thing. As you build a life with someone, you will work through unforeseen “stuff” with each other and you’ll need to figure out the proper place for it. That’s part of relationships. Part of marriage. Part of life.

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Where are you at?  Are you in the awkard stage? Maybe you're in the getting rid of the baggage stage? If you're married- any advice to give our younger sisters?  Share your ideas below!

To my younger sisters- take heart: