This has been a difficult season. One consisting of way more downs than it has ups. Some of them far beyond my control, and yet some I formed with my own hands, words, or actions. The ones that are my own doing- well they bring a special sort of angst. If only I had kept my mouth shut. If only I had said this instead of that. If only I had used my brain before I acted. If only I had thought about them before me.
If
only… If only… If only.
I’m in an interesting place in my spiritual journey because I feel like I’m finally getting better at believing God forgives- the biggest and the “smallest” of sins... And realizing there is no such ranking in His eyes. I’m finally starting to quote Scripture to fight the enemy’s attack that I’ve messed up far too greatly and frequently for God to forgive. I’m finally starting to overcome that fear and live in the daily grace God gives.
Yet one day, not so long ago, the grace that God gives wasn’t quite enough.
Not actually of course- we know God’s grace covers all. But mentally, emotionally, and even
spiritually, I needed human grace. You
see, I had sinned against a human. Not just God. My sinful words hadn’t only
hurt God, they had hurt a dear friend. As
God commands us to, I had asked forgiveness of Him and them, and had mercifully
received it from both God and man. But….
I couldn’t believe in the human form of grace. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t trust that a person meant the words “I forgive you.” I couldn’t show them the real depth of my sorrow. I couldn’t tell them enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t stop dwelling on it until they verbalized what I “just knew” they were actually thinking “You messed up big time. I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.” Because that’s what I deserved.
I couldn’t believe in the human form of grace. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t trust that a person meant the words “I forgive you.” I couldn’t show them the real depth of my sorrow. I couldn’t tell them enough how sorry I was. I couldn’t stop dwelling on it until they verbalized what I “just knew” they were actually thinking “You messed up big time. I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.” Because that’s what I deserved.
When
I had was exhausted from the mental sumo wrestling war with my
self-condemnation, God’s grace showed up by letting me read Romans 8:6 in my
quiet time. It says “For to set the mind
on the flesh is death. But to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” In
that moment, God whispered to me, “Holly,
you are trusting their flesh. Instead, start trusting My Spirit inside of them.”
In
that moment, I caught a glimpse of the freedom found in this truth. A Christian brother or sister has the same
Holy Spirit working in them as I have working in me. So then, just as I am
commanded to forgive, even the vilest of offenses, so are they. When I am
trusting in their flesh, their “natural” state, of course it brings death!
Death of a friendship at the least! Instead,
I’m called to trust in something far greater. I am
called to trust the Holy Spirit’s work in their life, and when I do that, then
I am setting my mind on the Spirit…. And setting my mind on the Spirit brings life and peace.
So,
I started being obedient. I started trusting the Spirit every time I wanted to
trust the flesh. You know what I discovered?
It works.
I
started believing in the human
form of grace. I started
letting my past go. I started trusting that a person meant the words “I forgive you.” I
started to walk in the freedom of
forgiveness. I started dwelling on my friend’s wonderful qualities instead of
my inadequacies. I started forgiving others more freely. All because grace transforms.
As
I was contemplating the peace that grace brings, I suddenly understood…. There
are not two forms of grace- human and Divine:
It’s
all
divine grace just like it’s all God’s forgiveness.
He
simply invites us partake.
