I am insecure.

I am insecure.

It’s difficult to write those words, but even harder to admit them.

It’s not in every area. Probably not even in the areas you would expect.  It’s in the areas that I myself would not expect because there isn’t any reason for me to be uncertain in them. 

I came to this epiphany late one night rather recently. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with someone very close to me. It was truly a “light bulb” moment for me because in that quiet moment of reflection, I saw the conversation for what it really was:

A manipulative way for me to have my status of importance affirmed by someone else- someone whose approval meant a great deal to me.

It wasn’t an intentional manipulation- for most of us, it never is.  But it was manipulative nonetheless. As I realized the cold reality of my motivation in that conversation, I started to think back to other scenarios’ with other people, and to my chagrin and slight horror, I began to see a repetitive pattern that has thread its way through my relationships.

You see- despite being an introvert, I’m secure on most public fronts. I enjoy speaking in public. I usually have no problems voicing a dissenting opinion to a group.  Often, I roar as I’ve stated on this blog before.  So you can imagine my surprise when I came to terms with the fact that there is an entirely different side of me when it comes to my valuable people- family and friends.

It seems as though there are times where my roar struggles to come out as anything more than a whimper.

Sound familiar? I don’t know that I’m alone in the struggle.

The thread I saw weaving itself through my relationships look something like the following:

• Questions I ask that force someone else to either affirm their love for me or sound like a jerk.
• Conversations where I discuss how they’ve hurt me without allowing for or even caring for an explanation of their actions.  Much less a chance for them to explain how I’ve hurt them.
• Times that I have “tested” those I care about to see if they respond “correctly.”

As I reflected on the awkward position that I put my loved ones in at times, I realized that not only was insecurity running the show, but I also was being anything BUT loving in those moments- totally conflicting to my purpose of trying to feel more loved.

Some might remember a lesson I learned and shared a while back about how love should be fearless. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fear has not been perfected in love.”

When I put someone to the “test” to see if they genuinely care for me, I am giving them a reason to fear. The Greek root for the word “fear” in that verse has a meaning of “fleeing because feeling inadequate”.

Nobody enjoys having the friend that says every 5.4 seconds “I’m so ugly. You’re so pretty. I’m so fat. You’re so skinny. I’m so boring. You’re so cool.”

Why? It makes you want to flee! Her continual statements of self-doubt show you that no matter what you say, you can’t convince her otherwise…. Or in other words, you feel like fleeing because you are inadequate of changing her mind.

Ding-Ding-Ding. I Get It.

We all have continual doubts we battle and some of us then “test” with our loved ones. Doubts on whether or not:

• my best friend will love me through that mistake,
  
• I’m worth spending time with,
• my parents will forgive me no matter what,
• my siblings will accept my flaws,
• my husband will always love me- quirks and all,
• my friends still value my friendship even when hanging out with other friends,
• my beauty isn’t determined by the scale,
• my impact on others will be long-lasting,
• my mistake doesn’t change God’s love.

By showing our refusal to believe their words the first, second, hundredth, thousandth time(s), we are in essence telling them that they are unable to persuade us otherwise, and their promises are nice but worthless. Which of course would cause most people fearful that they will never change our minds! 

No wonder there is no place for fear in love! It destroys relationships!

So.  The new goal is to fight the urge to ask the manipulative question, while reminding myself that I love them enough to keep them from fearing me! But I would be lying if I didn’t also say that I know there will still be days when I need affirmation.

So on those days instead of testing the person I’m with so that when they answer correctly I feel better about myself, why don’t I own the security?

Hey- I know this is not true, but I’m really struggling with _________________ today. Will you pray for me?

Maybe instead of them judging me, they’ll pray with me. Maybe they’ll appreciate my honesty and feel like they can be honest back. Maybe they’ll remember that the next time they feel insecure, and they’ll have courage to own it too.

If each woman, young or old, starts owning her insecurities,
we just might find that we’re all more alike than we realize.

We just might find that someone else has battled and overcome the same security we are currently fighting.

We just might find that the insecurity doesn’t hold the same power over our mind when we’ve voiced it to someone else.

[After all, there is power in numbers.]

We just might find that we can give and receive love.

WithOUT Fear.

Newlywed Season OVER!

That’s right… our newlywed season is officially in the past! We are 1 day into the “rest of our marriage” which means it’s time for my semi-annual marriage post. Lessons learned from my marriage. #round2 #2ndanniversary

You might remember some previous ones. I’ve heard from quite a few of you that it has forever changed your approach to loading the silverware in the dishwasher.  (Aaron still holds that over my head.) I was also reminded just this weekend how vital it is to never leave hints. Always be blunt. As blunt as possible. Everytime.

As I’ve been reflecting on marriage and the lessons learned now that we’re ending the “newlywed” phase, there are some new lessons that are taking priority right now.

1. Compromise saves marriages... probably even the world #likeforreal

• If you do not want to learn every possible way to roll your eyes at your spouse for breaking into song every 1.5 minutes on a 9 hour road trip, compromise.
• If you want to spend your tax-return money on Coach purses, and he wants to spend it on a 1,000 inch television, compromise.
• If you want to lay in bed and watch hours of movies with his shoulder as your pillow, and his shirt as your Kleenex, compromise.
• If you’re not sure that you want your in-laws to live with you 11.75 months out of the year, compromise.

Are you getting the point?

Compromise is not something I like to do. I like to have my way. All. The. Time. But, I’m learning compromise makes life more enjoyable and less stressful in the long-run.

Here’s some of the areas we’ve learned to compromise in …

Aaron likes to burst into song… loudly (some might even say obnoxiously) So the compromise is that he gets to sing his heart out for one/two/three songs, and then I at some point get to chime in and say “That’s it! Sing it inside!”  Which he then finishes the song in his head, complete with hand motions, choreography, and facial expressions… but no noise.

When I get in the mood to be lazy, he knows I’m going to basically be worthless for a lot of hours. And it’s typically at the same time that he’s in the mood to “be productive”. So, I’m learning to “be productive” for one or two projects…and then go in a different room and be lazy guilt-free, but without him, while he can continue scurrying around accomplishing all sorts of goals and achievements.

Don’t misunderstand me, there are some things to never compromise. Don’t compromise on your values and morals. Compromise on the daily tasks, the quirky habits, the eccentric tendencies that can drive the other person nuts. 

But discuss your values. Talk about your morals.

Compromise on preferences not on sin.

2. Accept the reality that your spouse is not the leading role in a chick-flick. #dropmyexpectations #ain’tnobodyflawless

  ·         Aaron does not read my mind.

  ·         Aaron does not wake up with good breath.

  ·         Aaron does not stare into my eyes for hours on end getting lost in their “unfathomable depths.”

         Who has time for that?!

Similarly…

·         I do not read Aaron’s mind.

·         I do not wake up with good breath. Or good hair.

·        I do not have perfect hair, make-up, & accessories every time we go out

        Who has time for that?!

The truth is it’s easy to convince yourself that “he should know __________ !” when in all reality, unless he’s watch 897 chick-flicks and been able to string together which ones you personally identify, he would have absolutely no idea that when you say you don’t like getting flowers, you mean that 99.8% of the time, but that .2% when you do is for the situation that you are going through RIGHT NOW, which obviously calls for flowers!!!!

My life will never look like a romantic comedy. Some days might slightly echo it. But most days it’s far too “real” for that.  So instead, let me learn to celebrate my man’s strengths and see the godliness reflected in his character. Let me embrace the reality of living forever with someone and all the fights, silliness, scars, ups and downs that come with that.

3. Live by these words: Never get a puppy.  Just Kidding! #notreally #justsayno

Actually…

4. Live by these words… Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. {1 Peter 4:8} #onlywaytosurvive #lovecovers

When he’s wronged me. {Love} It covers the sin.

When I’ve wronged him. {Love} It covers the sin.

When we’ve both been wrong. {Love} It covers the sin.

I’m going to be honest. Some days I’m awful at this. I hold onto the sin. I bring up the failure. I carry the grudge.

And all it does is create deeper wounds. Bigger scars. Harsher fights.

But when I allow love to cover the sin- it envelopes the offense so that I can look through a lens of healing instead bitterness.

Yes, there’s still hurt. There’s still a wound. There might even be stitches.

{But it heals.}

 It doesn’t fester. It doesn’t get worse. It doesn’t spread.

{It’s restored.}

To my surprise, I’m realizing that the lessons learned in marriage are actually beneficial to my other relationships. #shocker  This stuff isn’t just for my marriage. It’s for my sister. My brothers. My parents. My friends. My co-workers. My staff.

Am I living and loving well?

1 John 4:19 We love each other because God loved us first.

Life in 288 square feet.

 Life in 288 square feet.

My husband, puppy Oreo, and I are in “transition” which is code for the fact that 3 of us, 2 people and a puppy, are sharing a bedroom and a bathroom with a grand total of less than 300 square feet. Not surprisingly, the puppy seems to be thrilled! She’s never had this much constant access to us before. Well, we’ve actually never had this much constant access to each other before either!

Earlier this summer, we watched one of those HGTV shows that highlighted a couple deciding to move into a “tiny house.” We thought they were crazy.  And yet here we are. Not quite a house but just as tiny. I’ve learned some valuable lessons in this tiny space, some that will probably stay with me a while.

1. No matter how much you “puppy proof” a room, you’ll always miss something. And they will always locate it. And then devour it. And then spit it out. And then look at you with that cute but guilty and devilish look as you clean it up.
2. Packing while in a large house for a tiny space isn’t effective. You really aren’t in the zone. Like at all. Although it made sense at the time to have a different bag for every type of item or clothing, now you’re living with stacks of suitcases surrounding falling onto you.  Why did I think it was a good idea to have a bag just for t-shirts?  Why do I even have enough t-shirts to fill a bag??
3. Zig Ziglar was right when he said “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”  But he failed to mention that it will not determine the size of your living area. 

In this temporary place, I’m constantly noticing that our life is transitioning. To new places, new normals, new routines. But before we get to experience all those exciting outcomes, however, I’m learning that I must first be reminded of the reality of life. The reality of relationships. The reality of faith. Only then do I really appreciate the new life.

So, today I thanked God for the chance to be here. Yes, here, in this 288 square feet room with questions swirling, a puppy panting, and a husband studying. 

Because here tells me that God cares.  He cares so much more….

• More about my character than my happiness.
• More about teaching me what’s actually important in my life than providing me with all of life’s walk-in closets and double vanities.
• More about appreciating that my husband is leading us to walk in faith and not comfort. 
• More about understanding that God is faithful to provide. Always.
• More about learning that God’s provision are best for me even if they don’t align to exactly what I ask and when I ask for it.

So, with that in mind, I’m trying to appreciate the here. One day, when we’re there, I’ll be reminded of how grateful I was for the lessons in the here.

In the meantime, I have to go find out what my puppy just did. She has that “look” again.  Excuse my chanting…. They do say repetition leads to retention after all….

Be grateful for the here... Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here…  

If Jesus is enough...

Please Note: This blog is not suitable for young children due to the topic discussed.

If Jesus is enough, then why ….

Have 6% of all U.S. high school students had sexual intercourse before age 13. *

Are  5% of 12-year-olds, 10% of 13-year-olds and 20% of 14-year-olds sexually active. ** (When you consider that less than half of 12- to 14-year-olds have ever been on a date, these numbers are staggering. **)

Have 10% of girls said they would have sex to satisfy curiosity, and another 10% said they would have sex to satisfy sexual desires.**

Do almost 615,000 U.S. women aged 15–19 become pregnant each year. ***

Do  76% of 18-30 year old women say they view pornography at least once a month.****

Are 65% of girls are sexually active by their senior year.

It would seem that at least in America, our teenage girls do not believe
that Jesus is actually enough.

I’ve been asked many times, “Why do you teach so many lessons on relationships?  Isn’t teaching the girls “Jesus”, enough?  He’s all that we need, so why try to address the relationship topic. Clearly the issue is that girls need to love Jesus more.”

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen way too many great girls date a mistake. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen 10 too many girls cry over a romantic decision that cost far more than they ever wanted to pay. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak.

Maybe it’s because it’s taken me this long to be brave enough to be honest.

But no, in regards to the way you’re asking the question, for most of our teenage girls, “Jesus” isn’t enough.

Here’s what I mean by that:  If a girl doesn’t know how to transform theology into practicality, then the reality is, for her, Jesus is not enough.

Instead, she turns to a boy to fill the lonely void in her heart that has never been filled.

Most of us don’t have the smallest idea of what these teenage girls battle on a regular basis, but we think we do and we think by telling them “Jesus is enough” they will magically no longer want a boyfriend, no longer desire sexual attention, no longer make a decision that they will later regret.

But the brutal and harsh reality is this:

It’s not that simple.

Jesus won’t be enough for these girls until they know who Jesus is and why He is worth the loneliness, heartache, and feelings of rejection. So many times, we’re actually telling girls that a total stranger is “enough”.  

The only way that Jesus becomes enough is when we, the moms, sisters, mentors, girls ministers, introduce them and enable them to get to know Jesus.  The deeper-than-Sunday-school version of Jesus.

The Jesus that has held me while I cried.

The Jesus that has promised me a life worthy of living.

The Jesus that has walked with me through days that no one else has been present for.

The Jesus that has made the Bible come alive.

The Jesus that became my best friend.

Then and only then we will find ourselves hearing girls say to other girls “Jesus is enough. I know that doesn’t make sense now, and may not even be true for you. But let me tell you how it became true for me.”

In the meantime, for the girls who haven’t yet learned that Jesus is enough,  I will keep warning girls about bad relationships. I will keep telling moms the severity of sexual activity in junior high and high school. I will keep fighting the battle that is the foremost reason girls make life-changing mistakes: the battle of relationships.

And I will use that platform to show the girls that the simple yet confusing truth is that Jesus can be enough.

If you are in the Houston area, please click here for information about my upcoming event at Sagemont Church on this topic.

*http://advocatesforyouth.org/storage/advfy/documents/adolescent-sexual-behavior-demographics.pdf

**http://www.citizenlink.com/2010/06/17/teen-sexual-behavior-quick-facts/

*** http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

****2015-porn-stats-covenant-eyes.pdf

Done with the Devil

I’m on the phone with my sister one night and hear my niece come into her room crying. Kara tells me to hold on and I hear the following conversation:

Honey, what’s wrong?

(Through tears) Mom, I just can’t handle living with the devil anymore!

What are you talking about? Why can’t you handle it?

(Through more tears) He makes me forget to brush my teeth and brush my hair!

Well honey, he’s not going anywhere, so remember that Jesus is greater than the devil. And… you’ll have to figure out how to remember to do those things. Now go get ready for bed.

Footsteps and muffled tears…

“Hey sis- I’m back. Did you hear that?”
Much laughter later, we continued our conversation…..

I still smile when I think of that conversation. If only you could have heard the pitiful voice of my niece expressing her frustration with the devil, you would still be chuckling too! (She’s a 9 year old believer who feels like she’s seen it all!)

But as I think more about that conversation, I can’t help but admit that Carolina admitted what I feel on so many days. Total despair and frustration with the devil and how he has affected my world.  And the reality that some days I, too, think… I just can’t take it anymore.  Maybe it’s not over something as “childish” as brushing my teeth… or maybe, just maybe it is.  As much as I’d like to pretend I only get overwhelmed when I’m making decisions that affect hundreds of lives, the genuine awful truth is I get overwhelmed.  Sometimes over monumental tasks and sometimes over miniscule tasks.

In those moments, I must become like a child… like my sweet genuine niece and go to the Lord…. “Dad, I just can’t handle living with the devil anymore! I’m so heartbroken, and he’s telling me to doubt everything!”

And my heavenly father soothes…  “Holly, he’s not going anywhere for a while. But remember, I am in you, and I am always greater than him.” *

Some of you might be asking, really? You remember that Jesus lives in your heart and it makes it all better?  Well, no, not always. But it could if I would let it.

What do I mean by that? It’s like the difference between when I was scared as a single woman versus being scared as a married woman. When I “heard” something when I lived alone, there was nothing to alleviate the fear. I just had to try to pretend I didn’t hear it and fall asleep before anything else spooked me.

When I “hear” something as a married woman, I tell my husband I heard something, and then fall sleep knowing there is someone there to protect me.

My fear is gone because I have someone to protect me.

If only I would apply that same truth to my spiritual life. 

On the darkest days, let’s start allowing the Father’s presence to alleviate the fears and frustrations that often come from living life.  

Let’s start realizing that on some days, overcoming the devil might be brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Getting dressed. 

And for that day, that is enough.

On other days, it might be setting slaves free. Overcoming your addiction. Running for office. Teaching a Bible study. 

And for that day, that is enough.

But then one day God will say

 “That is Enough.” 

And we will live in a beautiful place for the rest of eternity.

 With no devil. 

No forgetting brushing of teeth and hair.
 No frustrations. No pain. No cancer. No abuse. No bad days. No anxious nights.

As C.S. Lewis put it,

"Joy is the serious business of heaven."

*1 John 4:4 

Fitting out

We’ve all felt it. 

Walking into a room and thinking “I don’t belong here. | I’m way underdressed. | Definitely don’t know anyone. AwKwArD. | I wish I hadn’t of come.”

Maybe the thoughts come after leaving the room. “Well that was miserable. |
I wish I could get into that group- they seem so fun. | Why did I go? It always turns out to be uncomfortable!”

Recently I heard it put this way in the movie Home (which is amazing!):

I don’t fit in. I fit out.

When I heard that line I thought, “Wow. That describes it perfectly.” How many of us think that as we walk into school every morning? Or into church every Sunday? 

I know I certainly have. The struggle of feeling on the out instead of the in is more common than we like to confess. While we’re being transparent, women would have to admit feeling this as well. We like to play it off as a teenage struggle- constantly feeling the tension to fit in and not fit out. But it’s not something that goes away when you turn 20. It is one that unexpectedly follows us into adulthood leaving us to wonder what is wrong with us that we could never find our niche. It has truly been a journey of surprise to discover that women of all ages, 10-92, fight this expectation of acceptance.

I offer you 3 things I am learning in this battle. 

Hopefully they will bring some degree of relief if you find yourself in the same position as I.

1) Don’t stop trying.

For some, this is easy and obvious. For me, it’s torture and confusing. I’m an introvert. Introverts typically use the “run and hide” technique when faced with trying to find a group to belong to rather than the “face the battle’ technique.

I am learning, however, that there are many women who want to belong somewhere as desperately as I do. If no one ever tries to make those connections, however, we really will be left isolated and lonely.

I’m also learning to initiate “trying”. What I mean by that is this: with the women I felt that connection with, I ask them to lunch; I coordinate a girl’s night; I make the phone call.  Is it awkward? Yes! But is it worth it? Absolutely.

2) Accept your season.

Although I just said don’t stop trying to find friends, also learn to adjust your expectations to your season of life. In college, I had a constant friend group. After college, I had a constant friendship with loneliness.  There are different seasons in life, and different levels of community for each season.  If you are new to a church, job, stage of life, or city, you more than likely will be in a lonelier season than before. Learn to walk the path of your season.

3) Don’t be picky. Do be yourself.

It’s easy for us to spot an established group of friends and decide that’s where we belong. So we then do anything and everything we can to put ourselves into that friend group; often even changing ourselves a little bit.  The times in my life when I have stopped being picky, arrogant, and close-minded, I have found friends in places I would least expect! The groups that I used to want desperately to be a part of are now groups that I realize I don’t click with.  Nothing against them or me, I’m finally honest enough to be myself. And find a group that fits me- not the me I think I want to be.

  

I get that there’s no easy answer to the feeling of fitting out instead of fitting in. But I’m realizing more and more that maybe fitting out is where I’m supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe… the in crowd isn’t fit for me!

In Him,

Holly

Just wait

Eyes widened. Little hands covered her eyes. “Daddy, I’m scared.”

Watching her reaction pierced my core. Because in all honesty, her reaction was the appropriate one to the scene that was unfolding before us.

And yet for me, I didn't react.  Perhaps because I’d seen it before.  But as I watched the little girl retreat into her dad’s arms, my heart started turning.  I became increasingly more thankful that I knew the end to this story because if not, then fear and despair would be overwhelming. And right.

What was the scene that caused such a response? The crucifixion of my Savior.

For my fellow believers, put yourself for just a moment in the mind of someone who is watching the story of Jesus for the first time.  Go back to the time of your childhood as you watch the Man who was also fully God, live a humble and beautiful life. He healed the sick, restored the broken, provided for the hungry. He proclaimed with humble certainty "I am the way, the truth, and the life*… I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.”**

The One who lived a perfect, sin-less life only to be betrayed by a friend, denied by a best friend, and tried as a criminal. Although the human judge believed His innocence, he was too cowardly to stand up to the mob of bullies, and so he turned over this precious Man’s life to the Cross.

When the little girl muttered her fear and horror, we were watching the Man carry his own Cross to the crucifixion spot.  The scene only grew darker as the soldiers stretched out His severely beaten body in order to pound nails into His hands and feet. The Father forsook His only beloved Son. 

The girl recoiled. The soldiers did not.

We watched Him die. And His mother weep. And despair settle.

“Why Daddy? Why did He have to die?”

“Just wait honey… just wait!”

We watched 3 horrific days pass... BUT THEN... 

The girl’s eyes opened wide. Confusion and excitement covered her face. Joy replaced the fear. Smiles replaced the frowns.

I watched her discover the Son of God’s tomb was empty as He triumphantly proclaimed victory over evil in this world and beyond!Jesus IS alive! We HAVE reason to hope! We HAVE salvation! Her excitement stirred my heart and birthed a prayer:

Father, let me always be as a little girl hearing the story for the first time.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. ***

Death has died and love has won! This video of  the song Mercy Tree so beautifully depicts the Easter story- take a minute to watch!

… And for those who might not know…

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

For the punishment of sin is death, but the gift of God (salvation) is eternal life in Jesus our Lord! Romans 6:23

But God shows His love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Jesus died for us. Romans 5:8

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved! For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved! Romans 10:9-10

Receiving salvation is as simple as praying these truths back to God and accepting His love and offer of salvation.You can pray something as simple as:

God, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I deserve the consequences of my sin. However, I am trusting in Jesus Christ as my Savior. I believe that His death and resurrection gives me forgiveness and covers my sin. I trust in Jesus and Jesus alone as my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you Lord, for saving me and forgiving me! Amen!"

Let me know if you do- I’d love to rejoice with you!

*Jn 14:6;**Jn 11:25-26;*** 1 Cor 15:55-57