3 Life Lessons from Another Generation

As much as I hate to admit this, I’m not really a “young adult” anymore.  I’ve been out of college *cough* years, and so although I’m not a “middle-aged” person, it pains me to admit that some might say I’m closer to that life stage than I am the college life stage.

And yet, as I age grow-up, I am realizing how badly I want to keep a student’s heart! Why? Because this younger generation is inspiring. And I don't mean in the fluffy “you can be whatever you want” type of way but in the reality that "life can be rough" type of way.  

1. Giving free forgiveness

It’s unbelievable to me to see how much students have been hurt. In ridiculous and sometimes horrible ways.  I’ve sat through conversation after conversation in the past few months / years, listening to girls stories and finding out deep wounds that would leave most shaken and destroyed.  But much to my shock, not only are these young people standing stronger in their faith than before, they are walking in grace.

I’ve seen the practical obedience to the hard commands to love enemies and forgive brothers as they’ve said things like:

“She wasn’t trying to be like that. She was just ignorant.”

“It’s ok. God’s grace is deeper.” 

“I can’t judge them- I’ve made mistakes in my past too.”

“I don’t understand it. I’m hurt by it. But I don’t want to stay in this place.”

Their statements are eerily similar to Jesus’ words:

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; * But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you; ** Father forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.” ***

I can’t help but ask myself, when was the last time I sounded just like Jesus especially in an area as hard as forgiveness?

2. Crying S.O.S.

If you’ve texted with someone under the age of 30 recently, then you may have noticed that the SOS signal is the commonly used abbreviation for HELP in texting.  We won’t discuss whether or not I think SOS is a warranted cry when the text is that they need to borrow a pencil… but I do understand the distress signal for say, chocolate chip cookies!

Regardless, students have no issue with sending the SOS flare.

SOS! I need a flat iron!

SOS! That cute boy from math class said hi!

SOS! I can’t understand Bio!

SOS! My parents are getting divorced.

SOS! I don’t understand why God allowed this to happen.

SOS! My heart is breaking for my friend.

The cries range in heaviness but all are real. All are genuine needs.

At what point in my life did I transition from feeling like I can ask for help for any of life’s situations into the unrealistic belief that I have to be perfectly put together and never admit I need anything? Maybe even more important than asking the when is to ask the why?

Why do we not send the SOS flare when life takes a screeching turn in a direction we never saw coming? Why do we pretend that we’re not shaken, bruised, and distraught?

When was the last time I was genuine enough to ask for help?

3. Living fully

Somewhere along the road of “adulthood,” you learn a secret shortcut… you learn to stop thinking introspectively. It requires too much energy.  Instead, you { I } just go with the flow. We do what we need to do in order to be successful at our jobs, a good member of our family, and an active church member. Rarely do we stop to creatively think of ways to improve ourselves, our relationships, and our spiritual walk.  

It’s as if we are settling for surviving instead of living.

Yet as I have conversations with students, rarely are they content to survive. Instead they want to glean every memory, every experience from their lives.  They want to change in order to better themselves instead of focusing on how to better others.

Now I get that, realistically, as we age we lose some of that energy, but yet we also supposedly gain wisdom. So why don’t apply that wisdom to pick which areas of my life to still exert the most energy so that I can get the most return?

What do I mean?  

• Why do I spend so much energy on obsessing over the little things in my job instead of praying over the people I work with?
• Why do I spend so much energy on trying to meet the world’s fleeting view of beauty instead of spending time investing in my eternal relationship with Christ?
• Why do I get caught up in drama when I could be studying wisdom?

So now what….

I’m learning to learn from those younger than me.

To be a bit more humble when it comes to life.

I’m learning that instead of discounting the younger generation because they haven’t made it to my life stage yet, maybe I should be acquiring their qualities.

To not be so quick to judge. So quick to fix things alone. So quick to survive.

I’m learning that maybe the younger ones have an outlook that actually looks more like Jesus’ than my own.

*Lk 6:37

**Lk 6:27

*** Lk 22:34

I am insecure.

I am insecure.

It’s difficult to write those words, but even harder to admit them.

It’s not in every area. Probably not even in the areas you would expect.  It’s in the areas that I myself would not expect because there isn’t any reason for me to be uncertain in them. 

I came to this epiphany late one night rather recently. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with someone very close to me. It was truly a “light bulb” moment for me because in that quiet moment of reflection, I saw the conversation for what it really was:

A manipulative way for me to have my status of importance affirmed by someone else- someone whose approval meant a great deal to me.

It wasn’t an intentional manipulation- for most of us, it never is.  But it was manipulative nonetheless. As I realized the cold reality of my motivation in that conversation, I started to think back to other scenarios’ with other people, and to my chagrin and slight horror, I began to see a repetitive pattern that has thread its way through my relationships.

You see- despite being an introvert, I’m secure on most public fronts. I enjoy speaking in public. I usually have no problems voicing a dissenting opinion to a group.  Often, I roar as I’ve stated on this blog before.  So you can imagine my surprise when I came to terms with the fact that there is an entirely different side of me when it comes to my valuable people- family and friends.

It seems as though there are times where my roar struggles to come out as anything more than a whimper.

Sound familiar? I don’t know that I’m alone in the struggle.

The thread I saw weaving itself through my relationships look something like the following:

• Questions I ask that force someone else to either affirm their love for me or sound like a jerk.
• Conversations where I discuss how they’ve hurt me without allowing for or even caring for an explanation of their actions.  Much less a chance for them to explain how I’ve hurt them.
• Times that I have “tested” those I care about to see if they respond “correctly.”

As I reflected on the awkward position that I put my loved ones in at times, I realized that not only was insecurity running the show, but I also was being anything BUT loving in those moments- totally conflicting to my purpose of trying to feel more loved.

Some might remember a lesson I learned and shared a while back about how love should be fearless. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fear has not been perfected in love.”

When I put someone to the “test” to see if they genuinely care for me, I am giving them a reason to fear. The Greek root for the word “fear” in that verse has a meaning of “fleeing because feeling inadequate”.

Nobody enjoys having the friend that says every 5.4 seconds “I’m so ugly. You’re so pretty. I’m so fat. You’re so skinny. I’m so boring. You’re so cool.”

Why? It makes you want to flee! Her continual statements of self-doubt show you that no matter what you say, you can’t convince her otherwise…. Or in other words, you feel like fleeing because you are inadequate of changing her mind.

Ding-Ding-Ding. I Get It.

We all have continual doubts we battle and some of us then “test” with our loved ones. Doubts on whether or not:

• my best friend will love me through that mistake,
  
• I’m worth spending time with,
• my parents will forgive me no matter what,
• my siblings will accept my flaws,
• my husband will always love me- quirks and all,
• my friends still value my friendship even when hanging out with other friends,
• my beauty isn’t determined by the scale,
• my impact on others will be long-lasting,
• my mistake doesn’t change God’s love.

By showing our refusal to believe their words the first, second, hundredth, thousandth time(s), we are in essence telling them that they are unable to persuade us otherwise, and their promises are nice but worthless. Which of course would cause most people fearful that they will never change our minds! 

No wonder there is no place for fear in love! It destroys relationships!

So.  The new goal is to fight the urge to ask the manipulative question, while reminding myself that I love them enough to keep them from fearing me! But I would be lying if I didn’t also say that I know there will still be days when I need affirmation.

So on those days instead of testing the person I’m with so that when they answer correctly I feel better about myself, why don’t I own the security?

Hey- I know this is not true, but I’m really struggling with _________________ today. Will you pray for me?

Maybe instead of them judging me, they’ll pray with me. Maybe they’ll appreciate my honesty and feel like they can be honest back. Maybe they’ll remember that the next time they feel insecure, and they’ll have courage to own it too.

If each woman, young or old, starts owning her insecurities,
we just might find that we’re all more alike than we realize.

We just might find that someone else has battled and overcome the same security we are currently fighting.

We just might find that the insecurity doesn’t hold the same power over our mind when we’ve voiced it to someone else.

[After all, there is power in numbers.]

We just might find that we can give and receive love.

WithOUT Fear.

Newlywed Season OVER!

That’s right… our newlywed season is officially in the past! We are 1 day into the “rest of our marriage” which means it’s time for my semi-annual marriage post. Lessons learned from my marriage. #round2 #2ndanniversary

You might remember some previous ones. I’ve heard from quite a few of you that it has forever changed your approach to loading the silverware in the dishwasher.  (Aaron still holds that over my head.) I was also reminded just this weekend how vital it is to never leave hints. Always be blunt. As blunt as possible. Everytime.

As I’ve been reflecting on marriage and the lessons learned now that we’re ending the “newlywed” phase, there are some new lessons that are taking priority right now.

1. Compromise saves marriages... probably even the world #likeforreal

• If you do not want to learn every possible way to roll your eyes at your spouse for breaking into song every 1.5 minutes on a 9 hour road trip, compromise.
• If you want to spend your tax-return money on Coach purses, and he wants to spend it on a 1,000 inch television, compromise.
• If you want to lay in bed and watch hours of movies with his shoulder as your pillow, and his shirt as your Kleenex, compromise.
• If you’re not sure that you want your in-laws to live with you 11.75 months out of the year, compromise.

Are you getting the point?

Compromise is not something I like to do. I like to have my way. All. The. Time. But, I’m learning compromise makes life more enjoyable and less stressful in the long-run.

Here’s some of the areas we’ve learned to compromise in …

Aaron likes to burst into song… loudly (some might even say obnoxiously) So the compromise is that he gets to sing his heart out for one/two/three songs, and then I at some point get to chime in and say “That’s it! Sing it inside!”  Which he then finishes the song in his head, complete with hand motions, choreography, and facial expressions… but no noise.

When I get in the mood to be lazy, he knows I’m going to basically be worthless for a lot of hours. And it’s typically at the same time that he’s in the mood to “be productive”. So, I’m learning to “be productive” for one or two projects…and then go in a different room and be lazy guilt-free, but without him, while he can continue scurrying around accomplishing all sorts of goals and achievements.

Don’t misunderstand me, there are some things to never compromise. Don’t compromise on your values and morals. Compromise on the daily tasks, the quirky habits, the eccentric tendencies that can drive the other person nuts. 

But discuss your values. Talk about your morals.

Compromise on preferences not on sin.

2. Accept the reality that your spouse is not the leading role in a chick-flick. #dropmyexpectations #ain’tnobodyflawless

  ·         Aaron does not read my mind.

  ·         Aaron does not wake up with good breath.

  ·         Aaron does not stare into my eyes for hours on end getting lost in their “unfathomable depths.”

         Who has time for that?!

Similarly…

·         I do not read Aaron’s mind.

·         I do not wake up with good breath. Or good hair.

·        I do not have perfect hair, make-up, & accessories every time we go out

        Who has time for that?!

The truth is it’s easy to convince yourself that “he should know __________ !” when in all reality, unless he’s watch 897 chick-flicks and been able to string together which ones you personally identify, he would have absolutely no idea that when you say you don’t like getting flowers, you mean that 99.8% of the time, but that .2% when you do is for the situation that you are going through RIGHT NOW, which obviously calls for flowers!!!!

My life will never look like a romantic comedy. Some days might slightly echo it. But most days it’s far too “real” for that.  So instead, let me learn to celebrate my man’s strengths and see the godliness reflected in his character. Let me embrace the reality of living forever with someone and all the fights, silliness, scars, ups and downs that come with that.

3. Live by these words: Never get a puppy.  Just Kidding! #notreally #justsayno

Actually…

4. Live by these words… Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. {1 Peter 4:8} #onlywaytosurvive #lovecovers

When he’s wronged me. {Love} It covers the sin.

When I’ve wronged him. {Love} It covers the sin.

When we’ve both been wrong. {Love} It covers the sin.

I’m going to be honest. Some days I’m awful at this. I hold onto the sin. I bring up the failure. I carry the grudge.

And all it does is create deeper wounds. Bigger scars. Harsher fights.

But when I allow love to cover the sin- it envelopes the offense so that I can look through a lens of healing instead bitterness.

Yes, there’s still hurt. There’s still a wound. There might even be stitches.

{But it heals.}

 It doesn’t fester. It doesn’t get worse. It doesn’t spread.

{It’s restored.}

To my surprise, I’m realizing that the lessons learned in marriage are actually beneficial to my other relationships. #shocker  This stuff isn’t just for my marriage. It’s for my sister. My brothers. My parents. My friends. My co-workers. My staff.

Am I living and loving well?

1 John 4:19 We love each other because God loved us first.

Life in 288 square feet.

 Life in 288 square feet.

My husband, puppy Oreo, and I are in “transition” which is code for the fact that 3 of us, 2 people and a puppy, are sharing a bedroom and a bathroom with a grand total of less than 300 square feet. Not surprisingly, the puppy seems to be thrilled! She’s never had this much constant access to us before. Well, we’ve actually never had this much constant access to each other before either!

Earlier this summer, we watched one of those HGTV shows that highlighted a couple deciding to move into a “tiny house.” We thought they were crazy.  And yet here we are. Not quite a house but just as tiny. I’ve learned some valuable lessons in this tiny space, some that will probably stay with me a while.

1. No matter how much you “puppy proof” a room, you’ll always miss something. And they will always locate it. And then devour it. And then spit it out. And then look at you with that cute but guilty and devilish look as you clean it up.
2. Packing while in a large house for a tiny space isn’t effective. You really aren’t in the zone. Like at all. Although it made sense at the time to have a different bag for every type of item or clothing, now you’re living with stacks of suitcases surrounding falling onto you.  Why did I think it was a good idea to have a bag just for t-shirts?  Why do I even have enough t-shirts to fill a bag??
3. Zig Ziglar was right when he said “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”  But he failed to mention that it will not determine the size of your living area. 

In this temporary place, I’m constantly noticing that our life is transitioning. To new places, new normals, new routines. But before we get to experience all those exciting outcomes, however, I’m learning that I must first be reminded of the reality of life. The reality of relationships. The reality of faith. Only then do I really appreciate the new life.

So, today I thanked God for the chance to be here. Yes, here, in this 288 square feet room with questions swirling, a puppy panting, and a husband studying. 

Because here tells me that God cares.  He cares so much more….

• More about my character than my happiness.
• More about teaching me what’s actually important in my life than providing me with all of life’s walk-in closets and double vanities.
• More about appreciating that my husband is leading us to walk in faith and not comfort. 
• More about understanding that God is faithful to provide. Always.
• More about learning that God’s provision are best for me even if they don’t align to exactly what I ask and when I ask for it.

So, with that in mind, I’m trying to appreciate the here. One day, when we’re there, I’ll be reminded of how grateful I was for the lessons in the here.

In the meantime, I have to go find out what my puppy just did. She has that “look” again.  Excuse my chanting…. They do say repetition leads to retention after all….

Be grateful for the here... Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here… Be grateful for the here…  

If Jesus is enough...

Please Note: This blog is not suitable for young children due to the topic discussed.

If Jesus is enough, then why ….

Have 6% of all U.S. high school students had sexual intercourse before age 13. *

Are  5% of 12-year-olds, 10% of 13-year-olds and 20% of 14-year-olds sexually active. ** (When you consider that less than half of 12- to 14-year-olds have ever been on a date, these numbers are staggering. **)

Have 10% of girls said they would have sex to satisfy curiosity, and another 10% said they would have sex to satisfy sexual desires.**

Do almost 615,000 U.S. women aged 15–19 become pregnant each year. ***

Do  76% of 18-30 year old women say they view pornography at least once a month.****

Are 65% of girls are sexually active by their senior year.

It would seem that at least in America, our teenage girls do not believe
that Jesus is actually enough.

I’ve been asked many times, “Why do you teach so many lessons on relationships?  Isn’t teaching the girls “Jesus”, enough?  He’s all that we need, so why try to address the relationship topic. Clearly the issue is that girls need to love Jesus more.”

Maybe it’s because I’ve seen way too many great girls date a mistake. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen 10 too many girls cry over a romantic decision that cost far more than they ever wanted to pay. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak.

Maybe it’s because it’s taken me this long to be brave enough to be honest.

But no, in regards to the way you’re asking the question, for most of our teenage girls, “Jesus” isn’t enough.

Here’s what I mean by that:  If a girl doesn’t know how to transform theology into practicality, then the reality is, for her, Jesus is not enough.

Instead, she turns to a boy to fill the lonely void in her heart that has never been filled.

Most of us don’t have the smallest idea of what these teenage girls battle on a regular basis, but we think we do and we think by telling them “Jesus is enough” they will magically no longer want a boyfriend, no longer desire sexual attention, no longer make a decision that they will later regret.

But the brutal and harsh reality is this:

It’s not that simple.

Jesus won’t be enough for these girls until they know who Jesus is and why He is worth the loneliness, heartache, and feelings of rejection. So many times, we’re actually telling girls that a total stranger is “enough”.  

The only way that Jesus becomes enough is when we, the moms, sisters, mentors, girls ministers, introduce them and enable them to get to know Jesus.  The deeper-than-Sunday-school version of Jesus.

The Jesus that has held me while I cried.

The Jesus that has promised me a life worthy of living.

The Jesus that has walked with me through days that no one else has been present for.

The Jesus that has made the Bible come alive.

The Jesus that became my best friend.

Then and only then we will find ourselves hearing girls say to other girls “Jesus is enough. I know that doesn’t make sense now, and may not even be true for you. But let me tell you how it became true for me.”

In the meantime, for the girls who haven’t yet learned that Jesus is enough,  I will keep warning girls about bad relationships. I will keep telling moms the severity of sexual activity in junior high and high school. I will keep fighting the battle that is the foremost reason girls make life-changing mistakes: the battle of relationships.

And I will use that platform to show the girls that the simple yet confusing truth is that Jesus can be enough.

If you are in the Houston area, please click here for information about my upcoming event at Sagemont Church on this topic.

*http://advocatesforyouth.org/storage/advfy/documents/adolescent-sexual-behavior-demographics.pdf

**http://www.citizenlink.com/2010/06/17/teen-sexual-behavior-quick-facts/

*** http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

****2015-porn-stats-covenant-eyes.pdf

Done with the Devil

I’m on the phone with my sister one night and hear my niece come into her room crying. Kara tells me to hold on and I hear the following conversation:

Honey, what’s wrong?

(Through tears) Mom, I just can’t handle living with the devil anymore!

What are you talking about? Why can’t you handle it?

(Through more tears) He makes me forget to brush my teeth and brush my hair!

Well honey, he’s not going anywhere, so remember that Jesus is greater than the devil. And… you’ll have to figure out how to remember to do those things. Now go get ready for bed.

Footsteps and muffled tears…

“Hey sis- I’m back. Did you hear that?”
Much laughter later, we continued our conversation…..

I still smile when I think of that conversation. If only you could have heard the pitiful voice of my niece expressing her frustration with the devil, you would still be chuckling too! (She’s a 9 year old believer who feels like she’s seen it all!)

But as I think more about that conversation, I can’t help but admit that Carolina admitted what I feel on so many days. Total despair and frustration with the devil and how he has affected my world.  And the reality that some days I, too, think… I just can’t take it anymore.  Maybe it’s not over something as “childish” as brushing my teeth… or maybe, just maybe it is.  As much as I’d like to pretend I only get overwhelmed when I’m making decisions that affect hundreds of lives, the genuine awful truth is I get overwhelmed.  Sometimes over monumental tasks and sometimes over miniscule tasks.

In those moments, I must become like a child… like my sweet genuine niece and go to the Lord…. “Dad, I just can’t handle living with the devil anymore! I’m so heartbroken, and he’s telling me to doubt everything!”

And my heavenly father soothes…  “Holly, he’s not going anywhere for a while. But remember, I am in you, and I am always greater than him.” *

Some of you might be asking, really? You remember that Jesus lives in your heart and it makes it all better?  Well, no, not always. But it could if I would let it.

What do I mean by that? It’s like the difference between when I was scared as a single woman versus being scared as a married woman. When I “heard” something when I lived alone, there was nothing to alleviate the fear. I just had to try to pretend I didn’t hear it and fall asleep before anything else spooked me.

When I “hear” something as a married woman, I tell my husband I heard something, and then fall sleep knowing there is someone there to protect me.

My fear is gone because I have someone to protect me.

If only I would apply that same truth to my spiritual life. 

On the darkest days, let’s start allowing the Father’s presence to alleviate the fears and frustrations that often come from living life.  

Let’s start realizing that on some days, overcoming the devil might be brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Getting dressed. 

And for that day, that is enough.

On other days, it might be setting slaves free. Overcoming your addiction. Running for office. Teaching a Bible study. 

And for that day, that is enough.

But then one day God will say

 “That is Enough.” 

And we will live in a beautiful place for the rest of eternity.

 With no devil. 

No forgetting brushing of teeth and hair.
 No frustrations. No pain. No cancer. No abuse. No bad days. No anxious nights.

As C.S. Lewis put it,

"Joy is the serious business of heaven."

*1 John 4:4